Soul- cakes ( was Villanelle)

[ton321]

revision

There’s a knocking you cant ignore
on this trick or treat night.
There are tentative taps at the door.

You hand out sweets by the score
to accompanied children in the half light
whose sound you cant ignore.

We offer the dead what the living store
in times of plenty, and is their right.
There are tentative taps at the door.

Familiar faces, who by natures law
you’d never see again, a brother
whose voice you know, and cant ignore,

and her who died when you was small,
a smile you knew and was your right
once, there are tentative taps on the door,

not monsters, but ghosts of us all
one day, the familiar weight
of love, whose sound you can’t ignore.



original

There’s a knocking you cant ignore
on this trick-or-treat night.
There are tentative taps on the door.

For all I know it could a claw
from a thing that's never seen the light.
There’s a knocking you cant ignore.

It could be a bird from a farther shore
exhausted, hungry, underweight.
There are tentative taps on the door.

It could just be the sound of a paw
jabbing like a boxer in a loosing fight.
There’s a knocking you cant ignore.

Now the sound has come back more.
What to do is wrong or right?
There are tentative taps on the door.

It’s two am, you know the score
by now, count sheep, sleep tight.
There’s a knocking you can’t ignore.
And tentative taps on the door.

[Macavity]

Like it Tony. Catchy sonics and repetitions. You could definitely work the title more.

There’s a knocking you cant ignore
on this trick-or-treat night.
There are tentative taps on the door.

For all I know it could a claw
from a thing that's never seen the light.
There’s a knocking you cant ignore.

It could be a child from a farther shore...............the bird image is not very scary, how about child?
exhausted, hungry, underweight.
There are tentative taps on the door.

It could just be the sound of a paw
jabbing like a boxer in a loosing fight...................liked the paw, but the boxer is too human
There’s a knocking you cant ignore.

Now the sound has come back more.
What to do is wrong or right?
There are tentative taps on the door.

It’s two am, you know the score
by now, count sheep, sleep tight.
There’s a knocking you can’t ignore.
And tentative taps on the door.

cheers

mac

[JJWilliamson]

Lots to like here, Tony, and with such a difficult form.

I always enjoy a villanelle but have only ever written two, and one of them was dubious to say the least. The other was passable, maybe, perhaps.

I think the scheme becomes a bit strained by S4 and starts to suffer in S5, but not terribly so.
The meter varies so I'm not sure what you're going for, but for the most part I count four stresses per line.
I can offer more (or less) once I know your intent, if you'd like.

There’s a knocking you cant ignore ...Good hook, reminiscent of The Raven.
on this trick-or-treat night. ...More interest as this current event unfolds for the reader.
There are tentative taps on the door.

For all I know it could a claw ...Are you missing a "be"?
from a thing that's never seen the light.
There’s a knocking you cant ignore.

It could be a bird from a farther shore ...Maybe "foreign".
exhausted, hungry, underweight.
There are tentative taps on the door.

It could just be the sound of a paw ...Too close to 'claw' and you're stretching for the rhyme. I know, been there.
jabbing like a boxer in a loosing fight. ...'Paw' and 'boxer' don't really fit, and the paw wouldn't tap or knock. At least I don't think so.
There’s a knocking you cant ignore.

Now the sound has come back more.
What to do is wrong or right?
There are tentative taps on the door. ...I think a revisit to this stanza might yield dividends. The theme is lost at this point and it's a little confusing.

It’s two am, you know the score ...The rhyme seems forced.
by now, count sheep, sleep tight.
There’s a knocking you can’t ignore.
And tentative taps on the door. ...The mysteries of Halloween and the thought of all the souls departed is really quite chilling. Like it very much.

Overall, I think this is great attempt and is SO close to being a very good villanelle. Nice one.

Best

JJ

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Tony,
Like the idea, but it lacks drama for me.
I agree with mac, where's the title?

There’s a knocking you cant ignore
-but not apostrophe in cant? Nice to start with Poe.
on this trick-or-treat night.
- not sure 'trick-or -treat night' is that atmospheric.
There are tentative taps on the door.
- could you substitute 'there are' with a number? As in
Three tentative taps upon the door
and should you echo with 'my door'?

For all I know it could a claw
- missing 'be' ?
from a thing that's never seen the light.
- 'never seen' is a bit flat, maybe 'shuns the'?
There’s a knocking you cant ignore.

It could be a bird from a farther shore
- is there a way to substitute the rest of the 'could bes'
(Maybes, might bes, perhaps,etc)? The repetition gets tiresome.
exhausted, hungry, underweight.
- like the image, but lacks menace.
There are tentative taps on the door.

It could just be the sound of a paw
jabbing like a boxer in a loosing fight.
- this seems rather weak, no real image to speak of.
There’s a knocking you cant ignore.

Now the sound has come back more.
- are you missing 'once' from this line?
What to do is wrong or right?
- lost on this line
There are tentative taps on the door.

It’s two am, you know the score
by now, count sheep, sleep tight.
There’s a knocking you can’t ignore.
And tentative taps on the door.
- I think it needs a stronger ending.

Regards, Not.
.

[Jackie]

Hi Tony,

I love meeting poets who write villanelles! I look forward to two really dynamite repeating lines that sound better each time, along with climbing suspense. If that's not a challenge to write, I don't know what is.

Your spooky setting is perfect for suspense, but I would be more drawn to your repeating lines if they both did not start with There is/are. That's a good structure to use if you want to keep readers at a distance, but not ideal for devilishness. Just for fun you might want to read (out loud) the children's book by Nancy Van Laan, Possum Come a-Knockin'.

I look forward to a revision of this.

Jackie

[churinga]

HI Tony

I thought 'paw' and the boxing image were OK.
I immediately thought of 'southpaw', a left-handed boxer.

cheers

Ross

[CalebPerry]

This is a nice poem. I don't have any serious complaints. But I can tell from the number of small mistakes that you are not a detail person. Here are my suggestions:


There’s a knocking you can't ignore
on this trick-or-treat night.
There are tentative taps on the door.

For all I know it could be a claw
from a thing that's never seen the light.
There’s a knocking you can't ignore.

It could be a bird from a farther shore [end with a comma]
exhausted, hungry, underweight. [I don't care for "underweight" much. "ready to bite"?]
There are tentative taps on the door.

It could just be the sound of a paw
jabbing like a boxer in a losing fight.
There’s a knocking you can't ignore.

Now the sound has come back more. ["come back more" is a little clunky]
What to do is wrong or right? ["that's" instead of "is"?]
There are tentative taps on the door.

It’s two a.m., you know the score
by now, count sheep, sleep tight.
There’s a knocking you can’t ignore. [drop the period]
And tentative taps on the door. ["And a tentative tap on the door"? Closing with a slightly altered line might be effective.]

[ray miller]

These things are so difficult. I think you've done ok, though the 5th stanza is weaker than the rest. I got the southpaw reference too.
exhausted, hungry from its flight?

[ton321]

Thanks Mac, JJ, Jackie for your replies and suggestions, and Ross, Perry and ray for your comments.I agree with the comments that it needs more work towards the end, and I'll try to find a title for it when I revise it.
Tony

[Tamara Beryl Latham]

Hi, Tony!

There are a few verses that you may want to re-write for clarity, but overall you've presented a nicely penned Villanelle. I've outlined in bold my suggestions; however, it is your call.


There’s a knocking you cant ignore
on this trick-or-treat night.
There are tentative taps on the door.

For all I know it could a claw
from a thing that's never seen the light.
There’s a knocking you can't ignore.

It could be a bird from a farther shore
exhausted, hungry, underweight.
There are tentative taps on the door.

Perhaps something similar to what I've written below in bold.

It may be a bird from a distant shore
exhausted, hungry, trembling with fright
There are tentative taps on the door.

It could just be the sound of a paw
jabbing like a boxer in a loosing fight.
There’s a knocking you cant ignore.

The boxer seems out of place and you may want to use an animal instead of the human in keeping with the theme.


Now the sound has come back more.
What to do is wrong or right?
There are tentative taps on the door.

Maybe an edit here. Something similar to the following:

The sound is louder than before
it echoes through the ebon night
There are tentative taps on the door.

It’s two am, you know the score
by now, count sheep, sleep tight.
There’s a knocking you can’t ignore.
And tentative taps on the door.

I enjoyed your poem and the critique is just my two cents. Take it or leave it.

[ton321]

Hi Tamara,

Thanks for stopping by, and I think your suggestions are great! Much appreciated,
Tony

[Mirrorball]

Hi Tony,

If you're finding three rhymes too restrictive then I've had a look through a number of famous villanelles and not all of them stick to the three rhyme rule. I posted one on here not so long ago and it had four rhymes but no one really noticed. That's modern villanelle for you.

I do like the poem even through its a bit familiar with its parallels to Poe. On the first read of S1 I was bracing myself for a rant about infuriating trick or treaters. That would be worth a villanelle in itself.

[ton321]

Thanks mirror

[churinga]

Hi Ton

I am not a fan of villanelles, I think the repetition only works if the poem is recited or sung.
To me most villanelles are contrived and forced.
Such cleverness in creating a villanelle can be admired but the actual emotional impact is less obvious,
a case of form over-powering function.
I would much rather see this as a normal rhymed poem.
.
regards

Ross

[ton321]

Hi Ross,

Why bother to comment if you have nothing positive to say?
Tony

[Firebird]

To me most villanelles are contrived and forced.
Such cleverness in creating a villanelle can be admired but the actual emotional impact is less obvious,
a case of form over-powering function.

Ross,

Would you say that ‘Do not go gentle into that good night’ lacks obvious emotional impact?

In case you’ve not read it (I’m sure you probably have) here’s a link to the poem.

https://www.cgcs.org/cms/lib/DC00001581 ... _night.pdf

Cheers,

Tristan