Writing a Poem

[Sid]

Version 1

Like a juicy ripe orange
Which you tear into
Ripping off the thick skin
To reveal the flesh.
Digging deep with your thumb and forefinger
Its juices spill
Overflowing as you take a bite,
Squirting penned citrus over the page.
As you cerebrate its deliciousness
Savouring it’s sweet taste
Immersed in its flavour.
Suddenly
the last piece is consumed
Looking down
The poem, splashed
a sweet sticky mess
is a mere representation
which will take a few more minutes
To clean up.


Original

Poetry
Like a juicy ripe orange
Which you tear into
Ripping off the thick skin
To reveal the flesh.
Digging deep with your thumb and forefinger
Its juices spill
Overflowing as you take a bite,
Squirting penned citrus over the page.
As you enjoy its deliciousness
Savouring it’s sweet taste
The poem is finished.
Looking down
all that remains is a sweet sticky mess
Which will take a few more minutes
To clean up.

[bjondon]

Hi Sid - a lively description of one writer's way of 'eating an orange'
but it makes much more sense to me as a metaphor if you put it
into reverse i.e. start with a sticky mess and arrive at a perfect orange.
Just a thought. In a way I can see how the most poetic thing here
is the whole tactile ickiness and its implicit contrast with the safely
civilised page of print.
If you lose the first line I think it runs in better from the title.
And I don't think you need 'penned', though maybe some other
modifier playing with the 'there/not there' citrus e.g. 'linguistic'
or 'notional'
'enjoy' seems a bit weak - maybe 'cerebrate'

Jules

[Sid]

Thanks Jules for your comments I have adjusted the poem on reflection. I love cerebrate definitely incorporated that one into the poem.

[bjondon]

I get the double meaning of 'penned' now,
which works well there.
You could almost stop at 'deliciousness' -
it seems to go downhill from there.
I can sense you feeling your way towards
a resolution but at present the explanations are taking
us away from the immediacy.
J

[JJWilliamson]

Here's a pared down version, Sid

See what you think of this very contemporary approach. I'm not sure how you feel about fragments
but this seemed to distil your intentions, AND it's all yours. You wrote it.

ripe orange
tear
rip thick skin
reveal flesh
dig deep
juice spills
overflowing
squirting citrus
over the page

celebrate deliciousness
savour sweet
immerse
last piece
looking down
poem splashed
sticky

Best

JJ