Poetry Forum

--V2--
Cucumber sandwiches, iced tea
Silly chatter with Constance
in her fetching flowery bonnet
Just like a picnic home in Chelsea

Emily watches Charles from the bank
admiring his form, replete with moustache
Her parasol shelter from the scalding sun
cream skin hiding from light so harsh

Charles knee deep in the turbid water
playfully splashes young Ernie in the face
they both hoot and giggle with joy
So full of life, father and boy.

In a blink of Emily’s eye, the water boils
A single cry, then young Ernie has gone
wrenched into the other world
Claimed by the spirit of the Ancient One

--V1--
Cucumber sandwiches, Pimms on ice
Silly chatter with Constance
A carefree Sunday of leisure.

Emily watches Charles from the shore
admiring his form, a-topped with mustache
Her parasol shelters her from the hot sun
this heat so unlike home in England.

The ancient one senses the invaders
sniffing the water, this strange new stench
Pairs of legs kick, stomp and splash
no stealth, no caution, a challenge surely.

In a blink of Emily’s eye, the water boils
A single cry, then Charles has gone
taken by the jaws of the ancient one
Claimed by the spirit of this new land.

High tea becomes a bloody nightmare
The idle dream shattered, screams aplenty
We are no longer home in England!
Where is young Ernie?

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Hi Amadis,
I'm not sure about the title (whether it gives too much away and so undercuts the ending, maybe 'paddling' for 'knee deep'?) and the final verse and a half is a little too straightforward (and who is Ernie?).
Wondered, on second reading, if it might be more intriguing if told only from the pov of Emily? (leave the 'ancient one' a mystery).

Cucumber sandwiches, Pimms on ice ............maybe 'with ice' ? Don't know if one has Pimms on ice
Silly chatter with Constance
A carefree Sunday of leisure.
Like the scene setting, though perhaps a more jaunty opening?
Cucumber sandwiches, Pimms with ice
Constance chatters away, how nice
a Sunday afternoon of leisure
and fluttering in the breeze
a letter from home.

Emily watches Charles from the shore
admiring his form, a-topped with mustache ............misuse of 'a-topped' (suggests he's wearing it as a hat)
Her parasol shelters her from the hot sun
this heat so unlike home in England.
the heat is so unenglish?

The ancient one senses the invaders ............is the plural intentional (a reference to the unseen Ernie?)

Regards, Not



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Hi Amadis,
Generally, I get the feel of an anti-colonial piece, set in an historical period, but having a contemporary relevance (though the mention of 'jaws' does bring the film to mind). There is always a question over how much a preamble works against the immediacy of a poem, but I think you have the balance right here. An option, for irony, would be to rename the poem 'A Carefree Sunday'. Another option is to end on Claimed by the spirit of this new land.. Depends on how much you want to tell the reader or trust the reader. Perhaps there is already enough to gather your intention of 'dream shattered' and 'new land' reality from the poem's narrative.

cheers

mac

I couldn't figure out what the poem is about, so I can't comment.

It’s a shark

It is my first attempt at the traditional, Colonial Noir form.
Perhaps I bit off more than I can chew.

I'll try a second version soon.

hi Amadis

Swansea is in Wales Best to target England for colonialism! Southsea? Like the fetching flowery bonnet and replete with moustache. Preferred S1 and S2, reminded me of Katherine Mansfield.

best

mac

Yes, no need to implicate the Welsh,
(Unless the scene is in south America)
so I've pointed the finger at Chelsea.

It rhymes, I'm not quite sure how close that is to the river

Perry wrote: ↑

Mon Aug 24, 2020 7:47 am

I couldn't figure out what the poem is about, so I can't comment.

I'ts a Bunyip!

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Hi Amadis,
not sure if this is much of an improvement. You've lost the 'colonial' aspect to it, I think, without the 'unEnglish heat' it could be set anywhere (and there nothing to make me think it's set in Australia). Chelsea is better than Swansea (from a certain perspective), but if 'picnic' is the point, then you might be better served by 'Regents Park' or 'Henley' (though, given picnic, 'water boils' seems as if someone's put the kettle on). Also, iced tea is an anachronism.

(full of life, after the preceding two lines seems redundant.)

the spirit of the Ancient One

Cucumber sandwiches, iced tea
Silly chatter with Constance
in her fetching flowery bonnet
Just like a picnic home in Chelsea

Emily watches Charles from the bank
admiring his form, replete with moustache
Charles knee deep in the turbid water
playfully splashes young Ernie in the face

they both hoot and giggle with joy
So full of life, father and boy.
Her parasol shelter from the foreign sun
cream skin hiding from light so harsh

In a blink of Emily’s eye, the water boils
A single cry, then young Ernie has gone
wrenched into the other world
Claimed by the spirit of the Ancient One


Regards, Not


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