Change These Women (Re-write) (Free Verse)

[Poet]

Can a woman change her ways?
Her actions and attitudes?
I feel that she is kept under the dark.
The dark will cover her eyes and make
her blind, but being blind is simple.
She feels like she is going to burst
like a balloon. Her thoughts are raining
down on her as nimbostratusclouds.
She is driving me insane.
She thinks she is entitled to throw her
fists around and speak to me in an
angry way about my feelings towards women.
I don’t know what she is talking about.
I am just telling my opinions.
I don’t think she wants to know what I
am going to say next. I think it’s best
I keep it to myself and know her place
when she realizes, she is messing with the
wrong man.

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Poet,
I think you could cut the first seven lines (the narrator’s guesses as to what a woman might think or feel don’t really hit home), start from ‘She is driving me insane’. (Also, clarify to whom you are ‘telling my opinions’ and clear up the grammar around ‘and know her place’). Good ending.

As an alternative ...

They are driving me insane.
Thinking they are entitled
to throw their fists around
and speak to me like that
about my feelings towards women. (maybe this could be improved?)

I don’t know what she is talking about.
I am just telling my opinions.
I don’t think she wants to know what I
am going to say next. I think it’s best
I keep it to myself and know her place
when she realizes, she is messing with the
wrong man.


Regards, Not


.

[CalebPerry]

More misogyny. You need to look deep into yourself to figure out why you want to write a poem like this.

It is okay to write a poem in which you express anger at an individual -- but that is the point. Such a poem should be directed to an individual and not at women as a group. Otherwise, you are expressing prejudice. Now, in cultures where women are oppressed by men (most cultures), then writing an angry poem directed at men might be okay. But in most cultures women are powerless (or less powerful), so writing angry poems at women is just not justifiable.

By the way, if your problem is that you can't find a woman to love you, now you know why. You are contemptuous of women as a group.

[Poet]

.
Hi Poet,
I think you could cut the first seven lines (the narrator’s guesses as to what a woman might think or feel don’t really hit home), start from ‘She is driving me insane’. (Also, clarify to whom you are ‘telling my opinions’ and clear up the grammar around ‘and know her place’). Good ending.

As an alternative ...

They are driving me insane.
Thinking they are entitled
to throw their fists around
and speak to me like that
about my feelings towards women. (maybe this could be improved?)

I don’t know what she is talking about.
I am just telling my opinions.
I don’t think she wants to know what I
am going to say next. I think it’s best
I keep it to myself and know her place
when she realizes, she is messing with the
wrong man.


Regards, Not


.

Thanks Not, I though the alternative was pretty good, I like the line breaks.

[Poet]

More misogyny. You need to look deep into yourself to figure out why you want to write a poem like this.

It is okay to write a poem in which you express anger at an individual -- but that is the point. Such a poem should be directed to an individual and not at women as a group. Otherwise, you are expressing prejudice. Now, in cultures where women are oppressed by men (most cultures), then writing an angry poem directed at men might be okay. But in most cultures women are powerless (or less powerful), so writing angry poems at women is just not justifiable.

By the way, if your problem is that you can't find a woman to love you, now you know why. You are contemptuous of women as a group.

Like I said before: I was inspired by D.H. Lawrence on his essay "Do Women Change?" I know it seems like I am being prejudice but this had to be written on how I felt after realizing there was a poet/novelist writing essays on women.

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Poet,
as satire I think this (idea) works well. The poem just needs a bit more polishing though

Regards, Not

.

[Poet]

.
Hi Poet,
as satire I think this (idea) works well. The poem just needs a bit more polishing though

Regards, Not

.

Thanks Not. I will work it a little more.

[Pauline]

Hi Poet.
I ain't gonna lie to you. I don't like this.
I find it derogatory toward women.
Not only that.
It's not even poetic.
It's a rant.
Not satire.
There's no humour, irony.........

I was inspired by D.H. Lawrence on his essay "Do Women Change?" I know it seems like I am being prejudice but this had to be written on how I felt after realizing there was a poet/novelist writing essays on women.

Really.
I haven't read that essay. Nor do I want to, if that's the kind of thoughts inspired.

You could have made this so more personal.
Put your own spin on this.
Made it more poetic.


I don’t understand her thoughts. She’s angry
and throwing her fists around. A balloon
ready to burst. I keep my thoughts quiet.

and so on....


Sorry to sound so negative.
You could get a great poem out of this if you played around with your words.

Please have a go.

[Poet]

Hi Poet.
I ain't gonna lie to you. I don't like this.
I find it derogatory toward women.
Not only that.
It's not even poetic.
It's a rant.
Not satire.
There's no humour, irony.........

I was inspired by D.H. Lawrence on his essay "Do Women Change?" I know it seems like I am being prejudice but this had to be written on how I felt after realizing there was a poet/novelist writing essays on women.

Really.
I haven't read that essay. Nor do I want to, if that's the kind of thoughts inspired.

You could have made this so more personal.
Put your own spin on this.
Made it more poetic.


I don’t understand her thoughts. She’s angry
and throwing her fists around. A balloon
ready to burst. I keep my thoughts quiet.

and so on....


Sorry to sound so negative.
You could get a great poem out of this if you played around with your words.

Please have a go.

I see, well perhaps I have to do just that. I didn't think it was a rant? But more like an poetic essay. If that makes sense.