Poetry Forum

Oh, I wonder how a dinner date would go.
Swirling my glass cup of red wine and
into my mouth, we talk about
the economy and what we’re doing
with our lives. I speak to you about your
flowing blonde hair, oh how you curl it with
fingers. Or how you talk about on how I
know the difference between Bossa-Nova
and jazz.
I think dinner dates can be lovely.
But don’t get too comfortable, when
all we’d have is a slant piece of light
rocking above us, the room becomes a little
darker than usual. Does this make us
ponder if there is a celebration
going on at the rest of the restaurant?
I feel like sitting here listening to your
affinities, you’d make me feel more welcome
once I perch on your lap like a sparrow.

Poet,

I like this one, especially the ending. If you are riffing on the chatty style of the voice I think it works: I like that some of the sentences don’t quite run and are disjointed. It adds authenticity to the voice. I may be back with some suggestions late or I may not, in which case I like it as it is.

Cheers,

Tristan

Firebird wrote: ↑

Wed Mar 17, 2021 2:50 pm

Poet,

I like this one, especially the ending. If you are riffing on the chatty style of the voice I think it works: I like that some of the sentences don’t quite run and are disjointed. It adds authenticity to the voice. I may be back with some suggestions late or I may not, in which case I like it as it is.

Cheers,

Tristan

Thanks Tristan. Hope you come back with more opinions on it.

Poet - There always seems to be that inescapable human gap between what we say, what we think and what we do. I liked this. Namyh

Namyh wrote: ↑

Fri May 14, 2021 11:43 am

Poet - There always seems to be that inescapable human gap between what we say, what we think and what we do. I liked this. Namyh

Thanks Namyh. Do you have anything constructive to say about the poem though?