Poetry Forum

V2

The doctor is a man of his word.
He heals others like it were a bird.
Though he may seem like a burden,
Yet that is not what we are learning.

It does seem like he cares about flesh.
One where he cannot prevent in death.
Sometimes he may prescribe medication,
And send them on their way; like a vacation.

Now at least he knows what to really do,
When he’s left wishing he can undo.
The life he had previously in the twilight.
May as well be happy he isn’t on the grind.

But I know he is just a happy man.
And where he know this is his land.
Leave him to do his work in peace.
Spreading love is what he’s done indeed.



V1

The doctor is a scary man.
And I know that he is damned.
When all he does is check bones.
Damn him, when will he go home?
Damn the doctor who touches kids.
Goes, swears on the phone but he fibs.

The doctor is demented and mean.
But does that mean he is on the scene?
Can he be trying to remain a great doctor?
Or somewhat trying to be a bother.
But can he be able to withstand his pride?
Is he going to analyze our insides?

There is a saying of a deserving haven.
A place where birds can caw like ravens.
Then that would mean a home to live,
And having to deal with it.
Can we do something really clever?
Like stealing the doctor’s equipment altogether.

But the doctor is a scary man.
But the rest of us think he is damned.

I think you need to be careful not to rhyme for rhyme's sake. I notice that you do use off-rhymes, which is good -- off-rhymes are perfectly acceptable. But whether they are true rhymes or off-rhymes, it is important not to alter the meaning of the poem so that you can achieve a rhyme. Indeed, a poem like this sounds a little nonsensical.

Look at lines 3 and 4:

When all he does is check bones.
Damn him, when will he go home?

What do those two lines have to do with each other, besides the fact that there is a rhyme? Nothing really.

Now, perhaps this is not meant to be a serious poem. If this is just an exercise, do you really need to post it for a critique?

But getting back to rhyme: If you are writing a serious poem, focus like a laser on the meaning of the poem, and then rhyme every other line. If you rhyme every other line, then you get the music of rhyming, but the rhymes don't dominate the poem, and you can control the message of the poem more effectively.

CalebPerry wrote: ↑

Wed May 12, 2021 10:08 am

I think you need to be careful not to rhyme for rhyme's sake. I notice that you do use off-rhymes, which is good -- off-rhymes are perfectly acceptable. But whether they are true rhymes or off-rhymes, it is important not to alter the meaning of the poem so that you can achieve a rhyme. Indeed, a poem like this sounds a little nonsensical.

Look at lines 3 and 4:

When all he does is check bones.
Damn him, when will he go home?

What do those two lines have to do with each other, besides the fact that there is a rhyme? Nothing really.

Now, perhaps this is not meant to be a serious poem. If this is just an exercise, do you really need to post it for a critique?

But getting back to rhyme: If you are writing a serious poem, focus like a laser on the meaning of the poem, and then rhyme every other line. If you rhyme every other line, then you get the music of rhyming, but the rhymes don't dominate the poem, and you can control the message of the poem more effectively.

I see, thank you for your insight to this piece, I will work on this poem with ease.

To improve on rhyme and metre I find reading aloud, and listening to, rhyming rhythmic verse helps.
Try some R W Service or Hilaire Belloc or even John Betjeman.
The next step I have found helpful, in improving my skill in writing rhyming rhythmic verse, is to write parody’s. So, for example A A Milne’s

Wherever I am, there's always Pooh,
There's always Pooh and Me.
Whatever I do, he wants to do,
"Where are you going today?" says Pooh:
"Well, that's very odd 'cos I was too.
Let's go together," says Pooh, says he.
"Let's go together," says Pooh.

Became

Wherever I am, there’s always you,
There’s always you and me
I usually type alone, it’s true
Or play in the shed with motorbikes two
And sit at a screen with my writing crew
But you are the sun in my world you see
That much I know is true.

These are techniques that helped me.

All the best

First line of the second verse really resonated with me. Nice job.

Thanks.

My doctor is now seldom seen. Not because I'm super healthy, but because of an often overlooked symptom of covid.
It causes doctors to become very shy, and vie away from granting appointments!
Enjoyed the read, thanks for sharing.

Nightflyer00