Huddlestick, the Pig

[Poet]

In the lush land of Wiggle Waggle,
There was a pig named Huddlestick.
He loved to stick his head into oil slicks,
And make himself play with violins.
Then with a jig and a wiggle of his tail,
He’d go and run around in circles as well.

But when he finds out his friends are around.
He trudges along the field to see them play.
With other pigs, spend time for days.
And when the pig got a little mean.
He would say his days are all under a beam.
Where all his dreams will become a gleam.

Of course, that would be a little far-fetched,
As Huddlestick would rub his little derriere.
Then he would spend time with his friends.
And say that his life will come to an end.
But how can that be when all that is cruel?
Like straddling another pig on muddy floor.

But likewise, Huddlestick is relieved to play.
With the other pigs on the field today.
But all of a sudden, he starts to lose his legs.
Because of this, he would laugh instead.
With a click of his front legs, he wobbled.
As he humped about and kissed other pigs.

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi poet,
a promising start but then it rather seems to lose its way (much like its rhythm and rhymes).

In the land of Wiggle Waggle
lived a pig named Huddlestick
who loved to ...
(I don't think the repetition of 'stick' works here, nor 'oil slicks')

And he would play the violin
as his tail would ...
(why plural violins? And again 'repetition of 'wiggle' seems weak.)

'trudges' suggests reluctance (and that he's making an effort), why is he doing this?

'derriere' seems out of place, linguistically.
But the switch to the more 'grown up' - straddling another pig on a muddy floor
is interesting. (Makes me wonder about the later use of 'humped').

I'm not really following this, H starts off as a rather solitary creature, who ends up humping
and kissing other pigs. Don't know how you get from violins to that.


Regards, Not

.

[Poet]

.
Hi poet,
a promising start but then it rather seems to lose its way (much like its rhythm and rhymes).

In the land of Wiggle Waggle
lived a pig named Huddlestick
who loved to ...
(I don't think the repetition of 'stick' works here, nor 'oil slicks')

And he would play the violin
as his tail would ...
(why plural violins? And again 'repetition of 'wiggle' seems weak.)

'trudges' suggests reluctance (and that he's making an effort), why is he doing this?

'derriere' seems out of place, linguistically.
But the switch to the more 'grown up' - straddling another pig on a muddy floor
is interesting. (Makes me wonder about the later use of 'humped').

I'm not really following this, H starts off as a rather solitary creature, who ends up humping
and kissing other pigs. Don't know how you get from violins to that.


Regards, Not

.

What do you think? Should I re-write this or revise it? I also feel that violins may not make sense here and also oil slicks but I wanted to create a humourous non-sensical piece.

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Poet.

Should I re-write this or revise it?
What's the difference?

I wanted to create a humourous non-sensical piece.
That much was clear, but when you look at the majority of the piece (ignoring verse one) little, if anything happens (or is actually humorous); the exceptions being 'straddling' and the 'losing his legs' lines. For me nonsense needs narrative. So;
drop the violins and oil slicks (the former could work, but the latter seems to abstract to be funny, and there are no oil slicks, or reasons for oil slicks anywhere in the piece).
Describe the game the other pigs are playing (some version of Aussie Rules?)
Why are the bullying him?
Why do his front legs click.
And, if you're sticking with 'lush' have something in the piece that bears out the description.

Regards, Not

.

[Poet]

.
Hi Poet.

Should I re-write this or revise it?
What's the difference?

I wanted to create a humourous non-sensical piece.
That much was clear, but when you look at the majority of the piece (ignoring verse one) little, if anything happens (or is actually humorous); the exceptions being 'straddling' and the 'losing his legs' lines. For me nonsense needs narrative. So;
drop the violins and oil slicks (the former could work, but the latter seems to abstract to be funny, and there are no oil slicks, or reasons for oil slicks anywhere in the piece).
Describe the game the other pigs are playing (some version of Aussie Rules?)
Why are the bullying him?
Why do his front legs click.
And, if you're sticking with 'lush' have something in the piece that bears out the description.

Regards, Not

.

Ok, thanks! I will take the time to work on this more.