Poetry Forum

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Lightweight


When I was born
my Dad's sister Janet
floated off toward the sky.

Quick as a flash
my grandfather ran out
and tied her, with twine, to a tree

where she hovered, for days
at the end of her tether
wanting to know 'how, and why?'

As scientists met
to debate and to test
the Theory of Aunty-Gravity.



____________
L3 changed from
floated up into the sky

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LOL

I feel honoured to take the blame

Simplicity can be used to explore great things. I felt the first three verses of your poem had more promise than the last. I know the title is ‘Lightweight’ but I presumed that referred to the lifting spirit rather than the message. Maybe it’s me, but I felt the first three verses took me into that area between life and death, with the living desperate to hold you here and your spirit straining upward. I loved the way your aunt asked ‘how and why’.
But the last verse, for me, made light of the subject with the pun. Maybe that is one of the references of the title.
All the best

Thanks for the read, chartsoft.
I'll certainly revisit the last verse in view of your comments.

Regards, Not

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Enjoyed this one, Not.

One suggestion: since she floats "into the sky" in first stanza, I couldn't understand how he got hold of her to tie her down in the second stanza if she was already in the sky.. So maybe something more along the the lines of "she beagan to float above the ground" (but you can do a better job of the actual line; just talking about the sense of the action here.)

Hi pom,
glad you enjoyed it, and good point.
Perhaps floated off/up towards the sky to preserve the sky/why rhyme?

Regards, Not

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NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑

Fri Jul 30, 2021 4:25 pm

Perhaps floated off/up towards the sky to preserve the sky/why rhyme?

Works for me,
Pom

Looking back, I can't remember the context of my comment.
Was your inspiration from one of my many typos?

One of your good ones though, I'd like to see some of your work illustrated.

Thanks Pom, change made.

I've no idea either Amadis.

Regards, Not

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Hi Not,

Really liked this one - short punchy and funny.

I think you can do better with the title is my only thought.

Hi Charles,
glad you liked it. Will think about the title (any thoughts?
Always open to suggestions. )

Regards, Not

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I didn't have a problem with the title, but I did wonder if you were making a comment about the poem itself being insignificant. So you might not want that implication going through readers' heads first thing.

Hi pom,
fair comment. Still thinking about the title. Care to weigh in?

Regards, Not

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The title is fine Not, though I prefer the poem without the concluding verse, which cheapens the poem.

mac

NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑

Mon Aug 02, 2021 1:04 pm

Hi pom,
fair comment. Still thinking about the title. Care to weigh in?

Me suggest a title?

I keep thinking about the opening scene of Fellini's 8 1/2, where Marcello is suspended in the sky.

How do you feel about neo-logisms?

AeroAunt?

You asked

PPE

Levity

Macavity wrote: ↑

Mon Aug 02, 2021 5:51 pm

cheapens the poem.

Don't see how mac, it was fairly cheap to begin with

pomespennyeach wrote: ↑

Mon Aug 02, 2021 8:33 pm

Me suggest a title?

Couldn't resist

Amadis wrote: ↑

Tue Aug 03, 2021 9:41 am

Levity

And we have a winner!

Thanks all, Not.

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