The Trouble With Whales v5

[NotQuiteSure]

.
What it is with Whales.


You can say, Bore-ray-dah
to a Humpback, Beluga,
a Bowhead, a Fin, Rice or Sei;

and they'll give you a look,
like a blank picture book,
spout and start swimming away.

From a Blue, from a Right,
a Minke, your Shoe-my?
might net you a fluke from afar;

but nothing at all
from a Bryde's, a Narwhal,
a Sperm, Grey, a Beaked, or Omura.

The Myst'ry of Whales,
and I don't mean their tails,
their sing-songs and stories of fish,

is, how it is strange
that, given their name,
you never meet one whale that's Welsh,

bach.

_____________


bore-ray-dah – Good morning – Bore da
shoe-my – Hello/How are you? – Shw mae?
breeduz/brooduz/brides – Bryde's.

_____________


Way-ulz


You can say, Bore-ray-dah
to a Humpback, Beluga,
a Bowhead, a Fin, Rice or Sei;

and they'll give you a look,
like a blank picture book,
spout and start swimming away.

From a Blue, from a Right,
a Minke, your, Shoe-my?
might net you a fluke from afar;

but nothing at all
from a Bryde's, a Narwhal,
a Sperm, Grey, a Beaked, or Omura.

The Myst'ry of Whales,
and I don't mean their tails,
their sing-songs and stories of fish;

is how, in the ocean
or sea, no cetacean
you meet is a whale that is Welsh.

_____________


bore-ray-dah – Good morning – Bore da
shoe-my – Hello/How are you? – Shw mae?
Bryde's – breeduz/brooduz/brides

_______________



v3
The Trouble With Whales


The trouble with whales,
if you don't mind their tails,
their sing-songs and stories of fish

is: no matter the sea
or the ocean you're in
you'll never meet one whale that's Welsh.


You can say bore-ray-dah
to a Bryde's, Beluga,
a Bowhead, a Humpback or Sei;

and they'll give you a look
like a blank picture book
or spout and start swimming away.

From a Beaked or a Right,
a Minke, your shoe-my?
might net you a fluke from afar;

but nothing at all
from a Sperm whale, a Narwhal,
a Blue, Grey, a Fin, or Omura.


By Swansea! they're grand, though,
the "fish" notwithstanding,
those lovelies are the top of my list.

It just seems a shame,
that, given their name,
no whales that you meet will be Welsh.


______________________


v2
The Trouble With Whales


The trouble with whales,
if you don't mind their tails,
their sing-songs and stories of fish

is: no matter the sea
or the ocean you're in
you'll never meet one whale that's Welsh.


You can say bore-ray-dah
to a Blue or Beluga,
a Narwhal or Right whale, or sei;

and they'll give you a look
like a blank picture book
or spout and start swimming away.

To a beaked, to a minke
your cheerful shout shoe-mi?
might net you a fluke from afar;

but you'll get no reply
from a humpback or a Bryde
a grey, fin, a sperm or Omura.


By Swansea! they're grand, though
the "fish" notwithstanding.
Those lovelies are the top of the list.

It just seems a shame,
that, given their name,
no whales that you meet will be Welsh.


______________


The Trouble With Whales


The trouble with whales,
if you don't mind their tails,
their sing-songs and stories of fish

is: no matter the sea
or the ocean you're in
you'll never meet one whale that's Welsh.


You can say bore-ray-dah
to a Blue or Beluga,
a Narwhal or Right whale, or sei;

and they'll give you a look
like a blank picture book
or simply keep swimming away.

To a beaked, to a minke
your cheerful shout shoe-mi?
will just be dismissed from afar;

and you'll get no reply
from a humpback or a Bryde
a grey, fin, a sperm or Omura.


For all that, they're grand,
the "fish" notwithstanding.
as charming as ever you'd wish.

And still it is certain,
you meet a cetacean
then that whale, my lovely's not Welsh.






.

[Macavity]

Amusing Not. S1 and the end line were the best. Perhaps the swimming away line is a little flat. Which title...Wales/Whales? Need a full stop for last line.

best

Phil

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi mac,
thanks for the read.
Wales/Whales ... A small riposte for yesterday's raspberry.

Perhaps the swimming away line is a little flat.
Open to ideas - preferably something with an element of Wales about it. In the meantime, the best I've got so far is, or spout and start swimming away, which is only a very slight improvement.
(Not 100% about the 'book' line either.)

Need a full stop for last line.
Aarg! Thanks. Here's one for you. If that line didn't have a contraction (lovely's) it would read
then that whale, my lovely, is not Welsh (where 'my lovely is, essentially, parenthetical.)
but, given that it does, where does the missing comma go?
my lovely's, ...
my lovely,'s ...
help!

Regards, Not

.

[Macavity]

breaching rather than swimming

Any chance for cawl or krill to make an appearance?

my lovely's,

I don't feel it is parenthetical.

[NotQuiteSure]

Any chance for cawl or krill to make an appearance?

Not so far, but never say never.
Had a bit of a tweak. v2.

Thanks, Not.

[bjondon]

A happy marriage Not.
Maybe a couple more Welsh/whale rhymes?

L4/5: missing a rhyme here?
L7: phonetics or straight Welsh? I'd prefer latter.
L8: comma instead of 'or' for tighter rhythm
L10: 'like a blank picture book' - like it
L11: How's about fin instead of sei and then:
'and a spout with a spurt to your chin'
L13/14: minke/shwmae - rhyme?
This stanza and next the weak spot.

Best, Jules

[Macavity]

for spout

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Jules, mac (thanks for returning).

A happy marriage Not.

Maybe a couple more Welsh/whale rhymes?

Do you think so? (And if so where?) I'm still debating whether I need anything other than the first two stanzas, but brevity isn't my strong suit.

L4/5: missing a rhyme here?

Not so much missing as not bothered with. There are enough rhymes that I can afford to skip one or two ... I think. And it allows me to mess about with the enjambments in the final verse.

L7: phonetics or straight Welsh? I'd prefer latter.

I think it would interrupt the flow to have people stop to look up the pronunciation (the general meaning is relatively clear from the context, but who among us, pace mac, can just reach for the Welsh like that?)

L8: comma instead of 'or' for tighter rhythm

Our different gauges, I think.

L10: 'like a blank picture book' - like it

Thanks, that's been the line I've doubted most.

L11: How's about fin instead of sei and then:
'and a spout with a spurt to your chin'

Seems a bit to close to the behaviour of dolphins in aquaria.

L13/14: minke/shwmae - rhyme?

I would have sworn it was ok, but I've been back and double-double checked, and you're right, thanks.
Turns out Bryde's isn't pronounced like one would think it is. Bugger.

... furious tweaking ....

This stanza and next the weak spot.

Why? Because they're just a list?

Did nobody get the 'by Swansea!' reference? No? Just me then. OK.


Thanks both.

Regards, Not

.

[ray miller]

Very nice. I like the first two verses best. You really need a better rhyme than list/Welsh. Something like "Those lovelies are top of the shelf" or "I admire them above all else".

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi ray.

Very nice. I like the first two verses best.
Would it work as just those, do you think?

You really need a better rhyme than list/Welsh. Something like "Those lovelies are top of the shelf" or "I admire them above all else".
And yet no-one bother about fish/Welsh But you're right.
How about ...

By Swansea! they're grand, though,
the "fish" notwithstanding,
I tell you, those lovelies are lush.

?

Regards, Not

.

[bjondon]

Hi Not,
Half the fun of this is sending your reader to a Welsh dictionary, and surely half the point, the irony that we English are more familiar with obscure whales than the commonest greetings of our neighbours. Raising a question in the mind with the rhymes is a gentle way of doing it.

You will have to explain your Swansea joke, but the exuberance works for me as it is.

S3 - a cunning tweak! Your gauge with the pronunciation nobody knows, mine with the 'standard'

S6 - I do genuinely stumble on what seems like a gratuitously extra syllable in:
'a Blue, Grey, a Fin or Omura' (supposedly echoing: - 'might net you a fluke from afar')

The S7 problem/solution:

By Swansea! they're grand though
Abertawe even more so!
And that's notwithstanding the 'fish'

Best, Jules

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Jules,
thanks for returning. I think, absent something dramatic that rescues S7/L3 (and, 'lush' most definitely doesn't) I'll just take the machete to this and cut it back to just the first two verses.

'By Swansea!' - not a joke so much as a genuflection towards John Spark's character Denzil (from the Welsh Institute of Wood, via Absolutely on Channel 4.), fondly remembered.

Regards, Not

[ray miller]

Hi ray.

Very nice. I like the first two verses best.
Would it work as just those, do you think?

No, definitely not.

You really need a better rhyme than list/Welsh. Something like "Those lovelies are top of the shelf" or "I admire them above all else".
And yet no-one bother about fish/Welsh But you're right.
How about ...

By Swansea! they're grand, though,
the "fish" notwithstanding,
I tell you, those lovelies are lush.

lush is better as you have the sh sound. I suppose it depends which is most relevant, the vowel rhyme or the consonant. I shall have to lie down and think about that, it's of too much import to consider while standing up.

?

Regards, Not

.

[NotQuiteSure]

it's of too much import to consider while standing up.

Next time you find yourself vertical, let me know


Currently toying with

It's not my intention
to paint each cetacean
as surly, or somehow, standoffish.

But how it's a shame
that given their name
no whales that you meet will be Welsh.

[NotQuiteSure]

- title suggestions welcome -

alternative final verse

is for reasons unfathomable
no cetacean you meet
is a whale that is Welsh

[Lia]

Hello NotQuiteSure. I like your latest title, it made me laugh. The poem is a lot of fun and the rhyme and timing is very tight indeed. It's fascinating to read through the journey this poem's taken. A wonderful piece of writing indeed! I was going to mention that's Welsh rather than that is in your last line. Or who's... perhaps? See what you think.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Lia.
Thanks for the read. And the laugh.

I was going to mention that's Welsh rather than that is in your last line. Or who's... perhaps? See what you think.

Ah, great minds and all that. (I really should have posted the latest revision earlier, but ... ) If only there was a way for a 'never meet one whale what's Welsh' I'd use that, but I don't think it would be true to a Welsh speaker. Could I be wrong?

Thanks again.

Regards, Not

.

[Lia]

I've spoken to a few Welsh folk in my time, but that particular what's has never come up in conversation!... It would be very handy if it had.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Lia,
thanks for returning.
I've spoken to a few Welsh folk in my time, but that particular what's has never come up in conversation! I can't recall a single instance either, ah well... It would be very handy if it had. Indeed. I'll just have to settle for 'that's'.

Thanks again.

Regards, Not

.