He dreams of castles (rev. 2)

[Leaf]

He dreams of castles on a Cornish beach
they visited, when he was eight years old.
For picnic pudding, Mum gives him a peach
and speaks of Roald Dahl. It’s all so gold,

the sun, the sand, his mother’s voice, the spade
and bucket she has bought him for the trip.
Her fine fair hair is fastened in a braid
one side, descending to her rounded hip.

She shows him how a little water’s good
to hold the castles. Harry makes a ring
around her and she laughs. He finds some wood,
some shells, some slimy seaweed, anything

to keep her safe from pirates; she’s Sea-Queen,
so bright and beautiful through all their years
yet fading while he works. A ghostly green
of tide is rising, pounding in his ears.

- - -
S2 L3: long fair --> flaxen; flaxen --> fine fair
S2 L4: ample --> rounded

[Leaf]

It's a working title; I'm thinking through alternatives

[Macavity]

Lovely Fliss. As I have said many times, you are a natural with r&r...which reminds me, aren't you writing a novel in metre?


He dreams of castles on a Cornish beach...sets the scene
they visited, when he was eight years old.....nice specific
For picnic pudding, Mum gives him a peach... nice alliteration
and speaks of Roald Dahl. It’s all so gold,... playful break on peach

Dahl was such a mischievous, fun writer. No wonder children love him. Like the internal rhyme in L4 . Like the teasing break on gold.

the sun, the sand, his mother’s voice, the spade
and bucket she has bought him for the trip...a treat to remember
Her long fair hair is fastened in a braid
one side, descending to her ample hip.

Like how you build the detail Fliss...hearing a mother's voice, the braided long fair hair, and, especially, the 'ample hip'...makes it real. spade/braid was a rhyme I liked.

She shows him how a little water’s good... lovingly parental
to hold the castles. Harry makes a ring
around her and she laughs. He finds some wood,
some shells, some slimy seaweed, anything

Another effective teasing stanza break to progress. Great how you build the castle building details. Yes, decorating with shells I do remember. You translate the warmth of child and mum, those bubble worlds of childhood!

to keep her safe from pirates; she’s Sea-Queen,
so bright and beautiful through all their years
yet fading while he works. A ghostly green
of tide is rising, pounding in his ears.

The bubble bursts to current realities, no wonder we dream of childhood securities. And yet, even then, those insecurities...a need to protect mum with the castle building. Castles to protect the ones we love. A playful scene, but one that resonates from past to present. Your ease with narrative, rhythm and rhyme, conjure a golden read Fliss. I'll try to some crit, but just wanted to enjoy first impressions.

MacPhil

[Leaf]

Thanks very much for your comment, MacPhil Rainbow; I appreciate your taking the time

Thanks for 'a natural with r&r'; funnily enough, John Isbell has said so too! Great minds, MacPhil. Dad's a composer and lyricist, and we think I inherited something from him. I am indeed writing a novel in metre; well, a book made up of poems that tell a story, if that's similar. I haven't received much in the way of feedback elsewhere, so it might be useful to post bits of it here

Your run-through this poem is very useful and I'm pleased it's coming across as I'd hoped. I agree about Dahl; I loved his books, especially with Quentin Blake's illustrations. Well, I'd probably still love them today! Great team there

I'm glad you like the detail; I like 'ample hip' too and the spade/braid rhyme. I have similar memories of decorating with shells, although I usually ended up helping my brothers to dig the deepest hole possible. It was a bit dangerous, really, so Dad made us fill it up again! Bubble indeedy; and I'm pleased it's a 'golden read'. That ought to be a journal, The Golden Read. I haven't decided what to do with this yet; I think Mike Burch might like it, though. Happy to receive crit as and when. I'm still thinking about a title!

Best wishes,
Fliss

[Firebird]

Hi Fliss,

Enjoyed this poem. I can relate to much of it. My only nit is, isn’t ‘ample hips’ a cliche?

Cheers,

Tristan

[Leaf]

Hi Tristan,

Thanks; I'm happy you enjoyed this poem and that you can relate to much of it. That's good to know

Concerning 'ample hip', I'm afraid I don't know whether that's a cliché. I'm not particularly well read, unfortunately; well, I have to read for work, but ample hips don't tend to turn up there. I'd be happy to read publications featuring ample hips in my leisure time, but my hourly rate is lower than minimum wage and I don't have much leisure on the whole. I have to work long hours to afford basic things.

That isn't me looking for sympathy, by the way; I'm just being honest about my limitations

I wonder whether MacPhil might weigh in at this point; one alternative to 'ample' (because I'd like to keep the hip) might be 'rounded', I suppose. I'm sure I'll think of an alternative

Best wishes,
Fliss

[Macavity]

Well I found this

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/ ... to-my-hips

MacPhil(hip food)

Ps still thinking on that title ...Motte and Bailey

[Firebird]

Hi Fliss,

Sorry to hear about your difficult circumstances. It doesn't sound fair at all. I my opinion all labour, whatever it is we do, should be valued much, much more equally. We all contribute to society in our own ways - no less or more. The minimum wage in the U.K is quite frankly a joke. I know this is no consolation, but you are an excellent writer/poet without much time to read, which says a lot.

On the subject of ‘ample hips’, lexico has this to say:

Used euphemistically to convey that someone is fat. 'she stood with her hands on her ample hips'

I tend to think most euphemisms are cliches too.

Cheers,

Tristan

[Leaf]

Well I found this

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/ ... to-my-hips

MacPhil(hip food)

Ps still thinking on that title ...Motte and Bailey

Hooray! Great poem, MacPhil. I'm not particularly narrow in the hips region myself, so I like this a lot, particularly 'mighty' and 'magic', lol. And thanks for the hip food; I'll exercise afterwards

Now, Motte and Bailey, google google... ah, types of castle. Intriguing!

Bw,
Fliss

[Leaf]

Hi Fliss,

Sorry to hear about your difficult circumstances. It doesn't sound fair at all. I my opinion all labour, whatever it is we do, should be valued much, much more equally. We all contribute to society in our own ways - no less or more. The minimum wage in the U.K is quite frankly a joke. I know this is no consolation, but you are an excellent writer/poet without much time to read, which says a lot.

On the subject of ‘ample hips’, lexico has this to say:

Used euphemistically to convey that someone is fat. 'she stood with her hands on her ample hips'

I tend to think most euphemisms are cliches too.

Cheers,

Tristan

Hi Tristan,

Thanks; I agree about equal value and the joke of min wage. I'm lucky I enjoy writing because it doesn't cost much, phew.

Thanks too for lexico. It's interesting; when I think of 'ample' in relation to hips, it's to do with bone structure rather than fat, i.e. a wide pelvis. Anyway, the word has gone and it'll be replaced as and when

Best wishes,
Fliss

[Lia]

sturdy?

[Jim]

Hi Fliss, I like this one too, especially the elegiac note at the end:

A ghostly green
Of tide is rising, pounding in his ears.

I have no problem with ample hips.

Jim

[jisbell00]

Hi Fliss,

I continue to like both poem and title here. And ample hips is pretty much fine by me!

Cheers,
John

[jisbell00]

Hi Fliss,

I realize I should say something more useful. For tbc, maybe "mother's hips"? They are I think primarily the hips of a mom here. And for "She's Sea-Queen," where I miss the article, how about ": a Sea-Queen"? I think that could work. No other suggestions really.

Cheers,
John

[ray miller]

Enjoyed the poem, a couple of things in the final verse might be improved. Bright and beautiful - now that is a well-worn phrase.

yet fading while he works. - quite vague, quite bland, I wonder if you could find something to run into "a ghostly green" and do away with the full stop.

[Leaf]

sturdy?

Maybe! Thanks, Lia

[Leaf]

Hi Fliss, I like this one too, especially the elegiac note at the end:

A ghostly green
Of tide is rising, pounding in his ears.

I have no problem with ample hips.

Jim

Hi Jim,

Thank you! I'm pleased you like the elegiac note. And no problem with ample hips, well, 'Good man yourself,' as my Irish granny used to say. I think she would've liked the poem by Lucille Clifton

Best wishes,
Fliss

[Leaf]

Hi Fliss,

I realize I should say something more useful. For tbc, maybe "mother's hips"? They are I think primarily the hips of a mom here. And for "She's Sea-Queen," where I miss the article, how about ": a Sea-Queen"? I think that could work. No other suggestions really.

Cheers,
John

Hi John,

Thanks for your appreciation! Yes, something useful. why not. I'll think about 'mother's', thank you. I'm not sure about inserting an article before 'Sea-Queen', because she's something special to Harry, then and now, so not just one of many queens of the sea. A lady of great character

Best wishes,
Fliss

[Leaf]

Enjoyed the poem, a couple of things in the final verse might be improved. Bright and beautiful - now that is a well-worn phrase.

yet fading while he works. - quite vague, quite bland, I wonder if you could find something to run into "a ghostly green" and do away with the full stop.

I'm glad you enjoyed the poem, Ray. The 'bright and beautiful' is a musical quotation, if that's the right term? I'm probably writing for The HyperTexts here and I think Mike Burch (the editor) will appreciate the little nod. But if I end up submitting elsewhere, I'll take a look at the line.

I'll think about the 'fading' line, thank you

Best wishes,
Fliss

[Jim]

The 'bright and beautiful' is a musical quotation, if that's the right term?

Yes, I take it you are referring to this hymn:

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all.

I think elegiac quatrains are a good fit for this poem.

Jim

[CalebPerry]

He dreams of castles on a Cornish beach
they visited, when he was eight years old. -- [the comma should come out; it just breaks the rhythm]
For picnic pudding, Mum gives him a peach
and speaks of Roald Dahl. It’s all so gold,

the sun, the sand, his mother’s voice, the spade
and bucket she has bought him for the trip.
Her [silken] hair is fastened in a braid -- [or some other two-syllable adjective]
[along] one side, descending to her hip.

She shows him how a little water’s good
to hold the castles [firm]. Harry makes a ring -- [You're talking about moisture that keeps the sand firm, right?]
around her and she laughs. He finds some wood,
some shells, some slimy seaweed, anything -- [not in love with "slimy"]

to keep her safe from pirates; she’s Sea-Queen,
so bright and beautiful through all their years
yet fading while he works. A ghostly green -- ["yet fading while he works"? -- not sure what that means]
of tide is rising, pounding in his ears.

Can those of you who are using a black theme read my edits in navy blue?

[Leaf]

Well, the navy blue's difficult, but it shows as white if I drag my mouse over it, which is fine.

The comma seems fine to me, but I'll check with Mike; I'll think about the hair, but I'm happy with the style; 'firm' is implied with 'hold', I think; also happy with 'slimy'; 'fading' is apt. Thanks for reading and commenting

[Leaf]

The 'bright and beautiful' is a musical quotation, if that's the right term?

Yes, I take it you are referring to this hymn:

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all.

I think elegiac quatrains are a good fit for this poem.

Jim

Welcome back, Jim. Yes, precisely that hymn; I'm glad you think the elegiac quatrains fit

Bw,
Fliss

[CalebPerry]

The comma seems fine to me, but I'll check with Mike; I'll think about the hair, but I'm happy with the style; 'firm' is implied with 'hold', I think; also happy with 'slimy'; 'fading' is apt. Thanks for reading and commenting

I was just making suggestions, of course.

[Leaf]

I have a possible new title; I haven't used part of a first line for a title before and I'm not sure whether it works. I like it, though.

I thought of 'flaxen' for 'long fair' earlier, but that might be too Debussy-esque for some, I suppose. I do like the piano piece, but two musical quotations might be too many, unless the Debussy isn't generally known, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOxJpPiFe0k