Freshwater Tears
The sky is falling into Paris now.
It’s landing on the buildings and the streets
and the pedestrians, asphalt and stone.
It brings its patterned cloud to bear – the whole
seascape of it – and every bird that arcs
through blue air; it descends along the Seine
to where the barges murmur, and the crowd
that lines the berges is having fun today.
It is an equal time catastrophe,
resolving into meaning at the end.
There is another day I call to mind:
a rainy day, the day you said to me
our little nest was ended, and the birds
all flown about their business. This was when
I felt the pain. And as the water came
from heaven down to join us in the yard,
it touched the cars to beauty. It began
a sort of parturition in the town,
washing the ordure and the trash upon
the narrow sidewalks, wetting zinc and tile,
making all things seem new again. The sky
was shifting then, the wind had caught the rain
and drove it at an angle to my heart –
poor organ – which had no recourse. It wept
freshwater tears. It murmured with the rain
and city barges, rain-slick and inept.
This was our parting, for we had that art.
25.vii.2022
Freshwater Tears
This was intense John. There are so many associations with rain, a trigger to so much past.
best
Phil
Yes, partings...a paradox of slick and inept. So it goes.jisbell00 wrote: ↑Mon Jul 25, 2022 4:45 amFreshwater Tears
The sky is falling into Paris now.................. An analogy with humans flying into the city.
It’s landing on the buildings and the streets
and the pedestrians, asphalt and stone.
It brings its a patterned cloud to bear – the whole...a lot of 'it'
seascape of it – and every bird that arcs.......................'seascape' so weather from the coast?
through blue air; it descends along the Seine
to where the barges murmur, and the crowd
that lines the berges is having fun today..............like barges/berges, though I don't know what berges means? typo?
It is an equal time catastrophe,.....................personal situation
resolving into meaning at the end.
There is another day I call to mind:.............trigger of present to past...the time the mind occupies
a rainy day, the day you said to me
our little nest was ended, and the birds...................nature contrast...getting on with life
all flown about their business. This was when
I felt the pain. And as the water came
from heaven down to join us in the yard,
it touched the cars to beauty. It began.............visionary impact
a sort of parturition in the town,.............resonant word
washing the ordure and the trash upon
the narrow sidewalks, wetting zinc and tile,
making all things seem new again. The sky..............how perception changes the 'fixed'
was shifting then, the wind had caught the rain
and drove it at an angle to my heart –
poor organ – which had no recourse. It wept.......like self-mockery
freshwater tears. It murmured with the rain.............as if netted by the rain cycle
and city barges, rain-slick and inept.
This was our parting, for we had that art.
25.vii.2022
best
Phil
Simply beautiful, John. I was fully engaged throughout as you searched your way from that gifted first line through to the last. And what a last it is.
The tone of the lanuage is perfectly pitched with all its nostalgia and melancholy. I so much enjoy the change in direction at this point where the poem turns its focus on the narrator;
"There is another day I call to mind:
a rainy day, the day you said to me"
Other lines I particularly like; and every bird that arcs/ through blue air, it touched the cars to beauty, The sky/ was shifting then and rain-slick and inept.
Other than Phil's suggestion of 'a' in L4, I have nothing to add with regards to edits. I asked myself if the poem lives without touching it, and it so obviously does.
Lovely writing.
Lia
p.s. reading this and other poems you've written, you should be posting in Experienced. Perhaps there's a reason for not doing so, but do consider it.
The tone of the lanuage is perfectly pitched with all its nostalgia and melancholy. I so much enjoy the change in direction at this point where the poem turns its focus on the narrator;
"There is another day I call to mind:
a rainy day, the day you said to me"
Other lines I particularly like; and every bird that arcs/ through blue air, it touched the cars to beauty, The sky/ was shifting then and rain-slick and inept.
Other than Phil's suggestion of 'a' in L4, I have nothing to add with regards to edits. I asked myself if the poem lives without touching it, and it so obviously does.
Lovely writing.
Lia
p.s. reading this and other poems you've written, you should be posting in Experienced. Perhaps there's a reason for not doing so, but do consider it.
Hi John,
I really enjoyed reading this too. I can't think of anything to suggest at the moment, but I'll pop back if I do. Interestingly, perhaps, I just typed 'monet' for moment, which seems apt, somehow. I don't know Monet particularly well, but I have a sense of his paintings with the scene setting. That must be it, I think.
The confessional element is very strong and I like the recurring theme of birds, of course. You have some excellent details here and there, e.g. 'zinc and tile', and the low mood is well sustained. Word-Bird wonders whether you might like a little snack
Best wishes,
Fliss
I really enjoyed reading this too. I can't think of anything to suggest at the moment, but I'll pop back if I do. Interestingly, perhaps, I just typed 'monet' for moment, which seems apt, somehow. I don't know Monet particularly well, but I have a sense of his paintings with the scene setting. That must be it, I think.
The confessional element is very strong and I like the recurring theme of birds, of course. You have some excellent details here and there, e.g. 'zinc and tile', and the low mood is well sustained. Word-Bird wonders whether you might like a little snack
Best wishes,
Fliss
-
JJHenderson
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 121
- Joined: Sat Jul 16, 2022 5:26 pm
John,
I feel like a parrot for continuing to say this about your work, but this is incredibly lovely. I'm tempted to say that it might could do with a bit of a trim, but it's so delicate I fear too much editing could clip its beauty. Still, structurally I will note you have 8 lines devoted to the opening rain, a mere 4-and-change devoted to the memory, then back to 7-and-change lines of rain, then finally you get a kind of synthesis of the rain and the emotions of the memory at the ending. The asymmetry doesn't quite work for me merely because the rain scenes so dwarf the memory and emotion. I think you could either enlarge the latter or trim the former; my vote would be to trim the former, but deciding what to trim is hard. My first thought is most of S3 could go. I like the echoing of "barges/berges" (and I know the berges come back near the end). Likewise, I think S6 or S7 could be eliminated or trimmed and combined into one.
On the word/phrase level, there's a lot of great stuff here: "every bird that arcs / through the blue air," "resolving into meaning at the end," "touched the cars to beauty," "it began / a sort of parturition in the town," etc. I also appreciate the polysyndeton in the opening stanza, and how both S1 and S2 keeps moving our imagination from the sky to the earth, connecting it all together. There's only a few wrong notes here I think. I'm not sure why/what the barges are murmuring. Also, would a crowd lining berges typically be having fun in the rain? Like, I love the rain, but most who go to the berges (river banks I assume?) don't. "Our little nest was ended" seems to want to be "was emptied" rather than "ended," since a nest doesn't really end. I think "making all things seem new again" is a rather prosaic comedown compared to the parturition, which says the same thing much more imaginatively. While I get why you could call the heart "inept" here I don't think it strikes the best note. I think of inept as someone unskilled at something, and I don't think there's much of a sense of what the heart is inept at doing here. I do, however, appreciate the subtle touch of only the last 6 lines having rhyme right as you've brought both the rain images and the emotion/memory together.
Rhythmically there's some highlights and rough patches. To me, the best rhythmic touch here is the "arcs through blue air," but I would make it "arcs / through THE blue air," using that trademark double iamb of yours. However, if it were me I'd set that moment up by keeping everything before it either in perfect IP or close to it. Eg, L3 reads OK but the double trochaic inversions ("and the..." "asphalt") are a bit too much together. I'd try to nix one of them. LIkewise, l5 is rough. It feels like two trochees followed by three iambs, and it makes the "arcs / through blue air" feel less like a meaningful variation and more like just another variation. I could go through the rest of the poem but I think there's too much to give a detailed metrical account. As always, I'm more sensitive to this than most people seem to be.
My last concern is that I wonder whether the more expressively emotive elements here ("my heart - / poor organ," "wept / freshwater tears") are needed. The one niggle I have is that, while most of this is lovely, I don't entirely get why emotion of the birds flying the nest is so... melancholic? I get how it would be in the moment, but this is a memory, and presumably by then the birds are doing reasonably well on their own, so I would think the sadness of that moment would be diluted a bit by memory. More than the emotion, I think the more interesting part of this reflection is that of new beginnings. I think that's where your attention should be directed and less towards the more easy "sad" sentiments.
Hopefully this isn't too much to digest, but this is an excellent poem that deserves the close scrutiny.
I feel like a parrot for continuing to say this about your work, but this is incredibly lovely. I'm tempted to say that it might could do with a bit of a trim, but it's so delicate I fear too much editing could clip its beauty. Still, structurally I will note you have 8 lines devoted to the opening rain, a mere 4-and-change devoted to the memory, then back to 7-and-change lines of rain, then finally you get a kind of synthesis of the rain and the emotions of the memory at the ending. The asymmetry doesn't quite work for me merely because the rain scenes so dwarf the memory and emotion. I think you could either enlarge the latter or trim the former; my vote would be to trim the former, but deciding what to trim is hard. My first thought is most of S3 could go. I like the echoing of "barges/berges" (and I know the berges come back near the end). Likewise, I think S6 or S7 could be eliminated or trimmed and combined into one.
On the word/phrase level, there's a lot of great stuff here: "every bird that arcs / through the blue air," "resolving into meaning at the end," "touched the cars to beauty," "it began / a sort of parturition in the town," etc. I also appreciate the polysyndeton in the opening stanza, and how both S1 and S2 keeps moving our imagination from the sky to the earth, connecting it all together. There's only a few wrong notes here I think. I'm not sure why/what the barges are murmuring. Also, would a crowd lining berges typically be having fun in the rain? Like, I love the rain, but most who go to the berges (river banks I assume?) don't. "Our little nest was ended" seems to want to be "was emptied" rather than "ended," since a nest doesn't really end. I think "making all things seem new again" is a rather prosaic comedown compared to the parturition, which says the same thing much more imaginatively. While I get why you could call the heart "inept" here I don't think it strikes the best note. I think of inept as someone unskilled at something, and I don't think there's much of a sense of what the heart is inept at doing here. I do, however, appreciate the subtle touch of only the last 6 lines having rhyme right as you've brought both the rain images and the emotion/memory together.
Rhythmically there's some highlights and rough patches. To me, the best rhythmic touch here is the "arcs through blue air," but I would make it "arcs / through THE blue air," using that trademark double iamb of yours. However, if it were me I'd set that moment up by keeping everything before it either in perfect IP or close to it. Eg, L3 reads OK but the double trochaic inversions ("and the..." "asphalt") are a bit too much together. I'd try to nix one of them. LIkewise, l5 is rough. It feels like two trochees followed by three iambs, and it makes the "arcs / through blue air" feel less like a meaningful variation and more like just another variation. I could go through the rest of the poem but I think there's too much to give a detailed metrical account. As always, I'm more sensitive to this than most people seem to be.
My last concern is that I wonder whether the more expressively emotive elements here ("my heart - / poor organ," "wept / freshwater tears") are needed. The one niggle I have is that, while most of this is lovely, I don't entirely get why emotion of the birds flying the nest is so... melancholic? I get how it would be in the moment, but this is a memory, and presumably by then the birds are doing reasonably well on their own, so I would think the sadness of that moment would be diluted a bit by memory. More than the emotion, I think the more interesting part of this reflection is that of new beginnings. I think that's where your attention should be directed and less towards the more easy "sad" sentiments.
Hopefully this isn't too much to digest, but this is an excellent poem that deserves the close scrutiny.
-
JJHenderson
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 121
- Joined: Sat Jul 16, 2022 5:26 pm
Hey John,
When you get time I did want to say I posted my first poem here that was inspired by the last half-line in your "Ruin" poem. Others there suggested I post a link to your poem that inspired it, but I wanted your permission first. Let me know when you can, and thanks for both the inspiration and your wonderful poetry!
When you get time I did want to say I posted my first poem here that was inspired by the last half-line in your "Ruin" poem. Others there suggested I post a link to your poem that inspired it, but I wanted your permission first. Let me know when you can, and thanks for both the inspiration and your wonderful poetry!
Hi Phil,
Thank you for your thoughtful reading! You are right repeatedly in your analysis, not least in suggesting I edit its in S2. I’ll go with the, I think. I like your analogy of sky and humans entering Paris, the seascape, the catastrophe. Berges are the banks of the Seine. I like the trigger you spot, the nest image, the vision and the parturition, the partings and the rain cycle. As you say, so it goes.
Hi Lia,
I’m glad this one spoke to you! It’s really good to hear how the poem engaged you, the nostalgia and the melancholy. Those were my feelings as I wrote, so I am very glad they came through. Yes, I too welcomed the shift from the city to the narrator, and I’m glad also to hear the lines that resonated for you as you read. You’ve encouraged me to give Experienced a go, and I shall certainly give that some thought!
Hi Amadis,
It is good to hear how your reaction to this poem played out – from the lack of hooks at the opening to the point where you began to hook into events. As you say, sorrowful, but true.
More replies to follow!
Thank you all,
John
Thank you for your thoughtful reading! You are right repeatedly in your analysis, not least in suggesting I edit its in S2. I’ll go with the, I think. I like your analogy of sky and humans entering Paris, the seascape, the catastrophe. Berges are the banks of the Seine. I like the trigger you spot, the nest image, the vision and the parturition, the partings and the rain cycle. As you say, so it goes.
Hi Lia,
I’m glad this one spoke to you! It’s really good to hear how the poem engaged you, the nostalgia and the melancholy. Those were my feelings as I wrote, so I am very glad they came through. Yes, I too welcomed the shift from the city to the narrator, and I’m glad also to hear the lines that resonated for you as you read. You’ve encouraged me to give Experienced a go, and I shall certainly give that some thought!
Hi Amadis,
It is good to hear how your reaction to this poem played out – from the lack of hooks at the opening to the point where you began to hook into events. As you say, sorrowful, but true.
More replies to follow!
Thank you all,
John
Hi Fliss,
It’s good to hear this poem worked for you. It’s a very new piece., though the memory is old. Yes, Paris in the rain suggests Monet to me as well! So there you have it. A little snack is most welcome – please do thank Word-Bird. It may relieve the low mood you note. Glad you like zinc and tile, and the confessions and the birds.
Hi Jonathan,
You’ve certainly given me a lot to think about! I’m scrambling now to catch up, so let me just say that I very much appreciate the thought and expertise you’ve put into your remarks, and I’m glad that you find the poem lovely. You are quite right, it is possible to imagine a major rethinking of its structure, and I hope to have time today to return to that possibility. For now, I just wanted to let you know I read your comment with pleasure and interest.
Thank you both,
John
It’s good to hear this poem worked for you. It’s a very new piece., though the memory is old. Yes, Paris in the rain suggests Monet to me as well! So there you have it. A little snack is most welcome – please do thank Word-Bird. It may relieve the low mood you note. Glad you like zinc and tile, and the confessions and the birds.
Hi Jonathan,
You’ve certainly given me a lot to think about! I’m scrambling now to catch up, so let me just say that I very much appreciate the thought and expertise you’ve put into your remarks, and I’m glad that you find the poem lovely. You are quite right, it is possible to imagine a major rethinking of its structure, and I hope to have time today to return to that possibility. For now, I just wanted to let you know I read your comment with pleasure and interest.
Thank you both,
John
Hi John,
It's a great poem, and it certainly has a fresh feel about it. I learned a few things about Monet during my A Level French, for the oral exam, usually the most nerve-wracking test for me! W.-B. Years assures you, you're most welcome for the snackage, which is always good to lift a low mood. Overall, there's a lot to like here
Bw,
Fliss
It's a great poem, and it certainly has a fresh feel about it. I learned a few things about Monet during my A Level French, for the oral exam, usually the most nerve-wracking test for me! W.-B. Years assures you, you're most welcome for the snackage, which is always good to lift a low mood. Overall, there's a lot to like here
Bw,
Fliss
