Font-de-Gaume
Just north of Les Eyzies, cows in a field.
A bull beside a caravan. A wooden
Christ on His cross. The woods and villages
of Aquitaine. A steady drizzle falls.
We're going to the caves and in the caves,
the sun won't rise or set. The beasts you'll see
are painted on the rock. They shift and flicker
as lamplight brings them out of the cave's dark.
A bull, a deer, a cow – perhaps a man
with a bird's head. The sun comes up. You won't
be seeing it from deep inside the cave.
They'll close this cave before too long, and silence.
Font-de-Gaume
Love this John. So evocative. How the world is/can be experienced. What is 'fixed' so much a matter of perception in reality; what exists exists in the experience. I felt I travelled with you in this poem.
Phil (dreaming of all day drizzle
)
Phil (dreaming of all day drizzle
)-
JJHenderson
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Excellent, John. I have some quibbles (don't I always?) but mostly I really like this. It brings to mind Plato's Cave allegory and how art began as us trying to represent and reflect on our experiences of reality, and I love how the poem is a kind of reversion back to those primitive origins; one in which we start with the reality of the cows and bulls, but move inside the cave to witness the images and art of such things, and how within that cave of art, which can be a kind of metaphor for our own (un)consciousness, the light of day doesn't touch it, the same way the images in our mind aren't touched by external reality once they're there and we're thinking of and writing of them.
To the quibbles: I'd put a comma after the first "caves" in S2L1 and I'd consider removing the comma after the second one. Having two caves so close together is already a bit jarring, but as is it's even more so because we zoom past the first cave only to find a next one soo soon after that makes us pause with the comma. I think it would be better the other way around; make us pause at the first cave and provoke us to rush past the second one as enjambment.
I also think the repeat of the sun not touching the cave is unnecessary: you have it in S2L2 and S3L23. I think the first would be easier to rewrite as it's just three feet of IP. Perhaps use that space to transition into the painted beasts?
I'm also not thrilled with the ending, at least with the "and silence." Silence/Talk hasn't really been a theme in the poem. I can't immediately think of any immediate suggestion, but I often find endings by meditating on the themes of the poem that most interested me and trying to build from that. It's harder here as you've only left yourself a foot; but you could also rewrite the last line a bit to accommodate something more.
To the quibbles: I'd put a comma after the first "caves" in S2L1 and I'd consider removing the comma after the second one. Having two caves so close together is already a bit jarring, but as is it's even more so because we zoom past the first cave only to find a next one soo soon after that makes us pause with the comma. I think it would be better the other way around; make us pause at the first cave and provoke us to rush past the second one as enjambment.
I also think the repeat of the sun not touching the cave is unnecessary: you have it in S2L2 and S3L23. I think the first would be easier to rewrite as it's just three feet of IP. Perhaps use that space to transition into the painted beasts?
I'm also not thrilled with the ending, at least with the "and silence." Silence/Talk hasn't really been a theme in the poem. I can't immediately think of any immediate suggestion, but I often find endings by meditating on the themes of the poem that most interested me and trying to build from that. It's harder here as you've only left yourself a foot; but you could also rewrite the last line a bit to accommodate something more.
Hi Phil, hi JJ,
SOrry for the late reply, Phil! We're about to fly to Asia again today and this got lost in the muddle. For now, let me just say YES to all day drizzle, and to JJ, you have some great ideas and I shall have to come back to them. Our taxi arrives in about an hour!
Cheers, thank you both,
John
SOrry for the late reply, Phil! We're about to fly to Asia again today and this got lost in the muddle. For now, let me just say YES to all day drizzle, and to JJ, you have some great ideas and I shall have to come back to them. Our taxi arrives in about an hour!
Cheers, thank you both,
John