God Sonnet
My eyes see to the end of thought.
And at that shore that few have trod
they rest a while. What they have caught,
could it be our Creator, God?
Not this time. But don’t be distraught,
nor beat your breast. For if the sod
could speak of all that we’ve been taught
in our brief lives, with hand and rod,
it might find God the strangest thing –
defined by what we do not know.
But here, with nowhere else to go,
I find my own brain, lingering
at this last bastion. I’ve come
right back to where I started from.
God Sonnet
Hi John,
I'm not a religious person, or for that matter one for critique, though I have my moments. I can offer some observations:
1. You have twenty-eight monosyllables to begin the poem.
2. My speaking stress falls on see rather than to in L1.
3. By sod do you mean the earth?
4. Particularly like the nugget of wisdom in the closing line.
Hope that helps some
Bw
Phil
I'm not a religious person, or for that matter one for critique, though I have my moments. I can offer some observations:
1. You have twenty-eight monosyllables to begin the poem.
2. My speaking stress falls on see rather than to in L1.
3. By sod do you mean the earth?
4. Particularly like the nugget of wisdom in the closing line.
Hope that helps some
Bw
Phil
Hi Phil,
Welcome back! And thank you for commenting. This poem was called Last Bastion, but I decided that was a boring title. It’s about the non-presence of God, really, though I’d imagine that still counts as a religious topic! And your critique is always insightful.
For instance, yes – twenty monosyllables! I’m not sure that’s a problem, but if it is, I can address that and your point 2 by writing “My eyes observe…” What do you think?
Oh yes, sod means earth here rather than its other meaning!
Glad you enjoyed the closing line. It ends this Cat Stevens song (as I’m pretty sure you’ll remember):
Cheers,
John
Welcome back! And thank you for commenting. This poem was called Last Bastion, but I decided that was a boring title. It’s about the non-presence of God, really, though I’d imagine that still counts as a religious topic! And your critique is always insightful.
For instance, yes – twenty monosyllables! I’m not sure that’s a problem, but if it is, I can address that and your point 2 by writing “My eyes observe…” What do you think?
Oh yes, sod means earth here rather than its other meaning!
Glad you enjoyed the closing line. It ends this Cat Stevens song (as I’m pretty sure you’ll remember):
Cheers,
John
-
NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
Hi John,
I'm rather in the 'dead haddock' camp on this one, possibly, as with mac, not being religious. There's something almost glib about the piece (not necessarily a problem, but, for me at least, a puzzle.) And the new title doesn't improve on the old (which wasn't that great, to be fair
)
Is the opening an echo of the beginning of the Battle Hymn of the Republic?
Should (L2/3) be
And on that shore where few have trod (no comma needed)
they rest a while. ?
Where you lose me is with the question. Who is being addressed, and why? If you're not religious this question simply doesn't occur. (And when did fishing/catching come into the piece? Not for another four lines, depending on whether the rod is the one used by anglers or the one one chooses to spare the child from.)
I quite like the mocking tone of S2 (the presumed over-reaction of the listener, distraught/beat your breast) but still don't know who is the addressee.
Personally, I'd rather you started with the last line, and explained the journey.
god ... defined by what we do not know (best line.)
Regards, Not
.
I'm rather in the 'dead haddock' camp on this one, possibly, as with mac, not being religious. There's something almost glib about the piece (not necessarily a problem, but, for me at least, a puzzle.) And the new title doesn't improve on the old (which wasn't that great, to be fair
)Is the opening an echo of the beginning of the Battle Hymn of the Republic?
Should (L2/3) be
And on that shore where few have trod (no comma needed)
they rest a while. ?
Where you lose me is with the question. Who is being addressed, and why? If you're not religious this question simply doesn't occur. (And when did fishing/catching come into the piece? Not for another four lines, depending on whether the rod is the one used by anglers or the one one chooses to spare the child from.)
I quite like the mocking tone of S2 (the presumed over-reaction of the listener, distraught/beat your breast) but still don't know who is the addressee.
Personally, I'd rather you started with the last line, and explained the journey.
god ... defined by what we do not know (best line.)
Regards, Not
.
Hi Not,
I'm thinking of ditching this poem from the MS. and replacing it with Absolute Defeat (which I've lightly edited at your and Morph's suggestion). What do you think?
I'll also be editing this one along the lines you propose. But I think you're right, it's a bit lackluster, for various reasons.
Cheers,
John
I like your word glib for this and feel you're hearing the pointlessness of the exercise. In the end, it's rhyme-driven, though cleverly disguised, and whilei t may end up being an organic unit, it certainly seems to lack inner necessity.
I'm thinking of ditching this poem from the MS. and replacing it with Absolute Defeat (which I've lightly edited at your and Morph's suggestion). What do you think?
I'll also be editing this one along the lines you propose. But I think you're right, it's a bit lackluster, for various reasons.
Cheers,
John
I like your word glib for this and feel you're hearing the pointlessness of the exercise. In the end, it's rhyme-driven, though cleverly disguised, and whilei t may end up being an organic unit, it certainly seems to lack inner necessity.
Hi Not,
It is a bit of a dead haddock, isn’t it? I agree about glib, though I like title #2, which is meant to be irreligious and eye-catching and at that, works better than the old title, I think. Still.
No conscious echo, but I love the Battle Hymn and the echo is there.
Comma gone.
I agree, the addressee is unclear. You make a good point about those (i.e. just about everybody) who lack my mad experience. And fishing comes out of left field. The rod is the spare one.
I like the mockery as well.
I agree about the best line. This one goes into my work in progress, I think.
Cheers,
John
It is a bit of a dead haddock, isn’t it? I agree about glib, though I like title #2, which is meant to be irreligious and eye-catching and at that, works better than the old title, I think. Still.
No conscious echo, but I love the Battle Hymn and the echo is there.
Comma gone.
I agree, the addressee is unclear. You make a good point about those (i.e. just about everybody) who lack my mad experience. And fishing comes out of left field. The rod is the spare one.
I like the mockery as well.
I agree about the best line. This one goes into my work in progress, I think.
Cheers,
John
You clearly have your concerns about the poem John. I'm a great believer in the conversation of poems (poems speak to poems). Your poem led me to this...
https://www.bookroom.stpeters.org.au/po ... r-s-thomas
Bw
Phil
https://www.bookroom.stpeters.org.au/po ... r-s-thomas
Bw
Phil
Thank you, Phil - I'd not seen that great poem! I think mine may in the end be improved by ditching the sonnet form and letting it breathe. I can then, for instance, better address Not's and my own concerns.
Oh - then the title would be God Poem.
Cheers,
John
Oh - then the title would be God Poem.
Cheers,
John