Poetry Forum

On its back, the fallen standard of some dark tribe
the dropped aquila of an invading bog-horde
Archaeopteryx, fossilised on a paving slab
lying grey-eyed and loose-necked on Factory Street

and lifting this black book, its black head lolling
in the mill dusk, where the pond is still up against the brickwork
thumbing its leaves and finding a place behind the wall
to put it out of sight of battles, wind and storm

Hi Ryder,

I like your language here, not least the dropped aquila!

You might want its for it's.

Cheers,
John

Thank's John, I'm not friends with apostrophes. I've commented on poems by, what appears to be, the only other posters in this section!

Yes, I'm afraid there are rather a lot of poems by me here. I appreciate your comment. Various posters post only in Experienced - but I think I'm stating the obvious!

Frank Zappa did a whole album once called Apostrophe:

https://albumcoverstickers.com/frank-za ... r-sticker/

Cheers,
John

Well if you think it might improve my punctuation I'll give it a listen.

It does have this great song:



I find I can keep track of it's because the apostrophe shows something is missing: the i of "it is." Sorry, I'm a language teacher, this is my job!

Cheers,
John

Any education accompanied by music is fine by me

Hey Ryder,

Really enjoyed this. Poems do tend to get a little drowned on this particular forum, so please don't hesitate to post in 'Experienced' there really isn't much of a distinction. If there was, in comparison to some posts, this poem would certainly belong there.

Some great use of language to convey the N's thought process/imaginings. Both aquila and Archaeopteryx had me googling.

I would say the poem might benefit from some extra punctuation. 'grey-eyed' and 'loose-necked' could probably benefit from some Hughesian-hyphenation.

That said, I'm pretty shite with punctuation, so tend to create poems that don't require it. Which is in itself a task. So maybe ignore that!

Nice one
Kris

Cheers Kris and if I can get back into writing I’ll consider posting in experienced. I like the hyphens and the encouraging response.

Dave

and if I can get back into writing I’ll consider posting in experienced.

Well I hope you do. It's a hard slog 'getting back into it' I hadn't posted for years, then suddenly...There's no accounting!

Look forward to further posts, your stuff is good.

Cheers
Kris

Enjoyed it very much. You could do with a comma after tribe and brickwork. Is there an actual place called Factory Street, I wonder.

Cheers Ray. Tyldesley, centre of international finance and holiday destination of the rich and famous.

Yes, it's very good. I like it a lot.

You shouldn't be in Beginners. (Nor should John, really.) Like Kris, I never saw the point of the split in the first place.

Cheers

David

Thanks David. Nice to hear from you blokes again.

Hello Ryder,

I'm very happy to see one of your poems arrive. And not only that, but a poem about a rook.

John's right about those two 'its' in S2, and I agree with Kris about the hyphenation. I see you're using line-breaks for punc so I've no issue with that.

'and lifting this black book, it’s black head lolling
in this mill dusk, where the pond is still up against the brickwork'

Love that black repeat and the timing of the language. I've highlighted 'this' because I'm thinking about 'in the mill dusk' so the line rolls along. (Mill dusk could also be mill-dusk or milldusk, if you wanted.)

I like how you handle language. Every line is moody and fascinating. Like the others have said, your work suits the main board. I managed to get John over there but he sneaked back when no one was watching! I'm in full agreement with David about the pointless split. I've wondered a few times how possible it would be to merge Experienced and Beginners so that no work was lost on either. I don't know if it would be a hard job to do, but I think it would be good in all kinds of ways. A topic for discussion, I reckon.

Lia

Thanks Lia

The ‘it’s’ are auto typos and I should’ve scanned the text properly for that. I’ll make those corrections later.
I’m glad you enjoyed the language/ style that’s what gives us individuality.
I agree with yours and Kris’ suggestions on the hyphens and your alternative to the repeated ‘this’ which I’ll also amend later on.
I remember the split from experienced. I also didn’t agree at the time but I was far more involved with the forum at that point. I don’t think I can qualify an opinion now.
As for John I think he has an over productive…whichever gland it is that secretes poetry juice…and is simply exercising it here where monopoly is less likely to offend.

I also write criticism. Here are links to three works I've published in the past year:

An Outline of Romanticism in the West: https://www.openbookpublishers.com/book ... 7/obp.0302
Destins de femmes. French Women Writers, 1750-1850: https://www.openbookpublishers.com/book ... 7/obp.0346
Staël, Romanticism and Revolution. The Life and Times of the First European: https://www.cambridge.org/core/books/st ... 7CF131E221

The first two are available for download free worldwide.

Cheers,
John

That’s seriously impressive and if ever you’re in Perth, Australia and need any plumbing work done, I’m your man

And your basic point is right: I do think if I posted daily on Experienced, people would be less forgiving. At least, that's how it feels.

Cheers,
John

In awe of your ability and enthusiasm. Hopefully I can muster a fraction of the same and get back into it. The comments here have certainly given me some impetus.

Well, I continue to think this is a very nice poem. I like the rook-book shift, and the opening is eye-catching! I do hope you find more time to write.

Cheers,
John

You're welcome, Ryder. And I do understand with regards those creative juices. I see now why John came back to Beginners. But it is quite clear that he's not a beginner. And I'm really starting to wonder what a beginner is.

On the main board, I guess at least 14 new poems would need to be posted a week by others so that a poet could post their own poem every day. I don't know what PAT's productivity is and if it's near that mark or not. And also, rules like that might have been wavered long ago. I haven't a clue.

Of course, another way of doing it could be to have a category for 30/30 poems (like some other sites have) or maybe a category called 'A Poem a Day' so that poets could create their own thread on that section of the forum to catalogue their work if they want to. I'm just thinking aloud really, and this is your thread so I might start a topic on the discussion board this weekend to see what everyone's thinking... and about Experienced and Beginners, too.

I think you very much qualify, by the way.

Lia

Hi Ryder

Enjoyed the piece. Using the same word twice in first line of second stanza, maybe a bit much.
If it were me, I'd keep it casual and omit the last two lines

Tony

Cheers Tony, good to have another perspective.

Enjoyed your bottle-digging poem btw good stuff