Poetry Forum

Sleeping infant in the night,
Vivid dreams hold thee tight.
Passing shadows overhead,
Lie protected in thy bed.
Rest until the morning start,
Sleep until thy dreams depart.
Quiet calm before the rush,
Sleep, my baby, in the hush.

Please be gentle - this kind of feels a part of me Don't really know why

I know it's everything you told me not to do, but I wrote it a while ago and I still want an opinion on it

Hi Minnie

If it were mine, straight off I would do this:

Minnie wrote:Sleeping infant in the night,
Vivid dreams that hold you tight.
Passing shadows overhead,
Lie protected in your bed.
Rest until the morning starts,
Sleep until your dream departs.
Quiet calm before the rush,
Sleep, my baby, in the hush.

Also, (and this isn't so much about how you wrote it) but you don't seem to have a clear message here. There is no narrative, but not enough 'stuff' to make it a descriptive piece. It's interesting you say that it feels like a part of you, because it reads like you haven't invested yourself in it at all. I don't mean that to sound unkind or unfair.
I think it would be a lovely lullaby and I think you use rhythm well, but further than that I can't tell because I think the subject matter is limiting you.

Love Rachel

was good i read it a view times i could not really get what it was about. it sound something like a nursery rhyme would go, i dont mean that in a bad way i hope i have not come across mean i can be picked up wrong sometimes. like i said before it was good.

I enjoyed this. It wasn't too cryptic or choppy. A little detatched as far as an emotional connection...but good. Thanks for sharing!

Definatly a lovely poem to read to a young child whos tucked up in bed, It's peaceful and simple. I like it

It is nice and simple.
Seems kind of shallow.
No metaphors to anaylze so it isn't my cup of tea.
I just like to dive into poems and this one would give me a crushed skull.
But still, it is cute.

I agree with every1 else, a nice lullaby to a baby or even some1 special u care for

the AA, BB rhyme structure really works for things that are intended to sound as simple or as if speaking to a child

benjy

Minnie, this is lovely sentiment and I don't agree about there being no meaning - to me it's a simple rockabye baby and feels heartfelt. But:

Lose the archaisms. They don't make the piece any more poetic or better.

As it is it is just a lullaby, not a poem. It would need an edge to it for me.

Stu

hi, i liked it, my sort of stuff but i'm perhaps not as wordy as some on here, yes it's simple to read and written in every day terms, we don't all
sit with a thesaurus in our hands when writting something from the heart.
I am posting yet another of my rhyming poems, Baby, have a look and give me your oppinion. cheers AC