A Crop Has Taken Root

[jisbell00]

A Crop Has Taken Root

Loin, bien loin.


Where have you been, they ask, and what I can
announce is not much. I have been away
to where the hand and eye do not deceive,
to where each alphabet that greets my finger
will speak my native tongue, where all the day
is morning. I have been away a spell
from getting and from spending, from the long
descent to evening when no single star
would interrupt the daylight, and the tongue
did not speak out, the eye did not behold,
the foot lacked strength to ferry me. I have
been on the road. I made that journey out
through thin air with my eyes closed – much the way
a bolt of lightning comes to Earth, a spark
leaps from a cathode. In my fertile soil
a crop has taken root, and I will harvest.


 

[CalebPerry]

This poem isn't bad, but it feels a little like you are trying too hard to be grand or mystical or iconic (not sure which word to use). The poem has its good moments, but it never quite gels for me. I think you are close to achieving what you want, but not quite there. Your poem reminds me a little of Frost's "Acquainted with the Night".

A Crop Has Taken Root

Loin, bien loin.

Where have you been, they ask, and what I can
announce is not much. I have been away
to where the hand and eye do not deceive,
to where each alphabet that greets my finger
will speak my native tongue, where all the day
is morning. I have been away a spell
from getting and from spending, from the long
descent to evening when no single star
would interrupt the daylight, and the tongue
did not speak out, the eye did not behold,
the foot lacked strength to ferry me. I have
been on the road. I made that journey out
through thin air with my eyes closed – much the way
a bolt of lightning comes to Earth, a spark
leaps from a cathode. In my fertile soil
a crop has taken root, and I will harvest.


 

[jisbell00]

Hi Caleb,

Here, rereading, I do get worked up a bit but I think that works. It doesn't feel to me like flogging a dead horse, it has some organic necessity.

Thanks for the Frost - I like Frost!

Cheers,
John

[Firebird]

Hi John,

I like this poem. I read it out aloud and liked its rhythm. Highlights for me are: ‘from the long / descent to evening’ and ‘a spark /leaps from a cathode’.

Lots more to like, too, of course.

Much enjoyed.

Cheers,

Tristan

[jisbell00]

Hi Tristan,

Thank you for the good word! I'm glad this poem spoke to you. I did enjoy that cathode image myself! I believe I got it the right way round (anode etc.).

Cheers,
John

[Danté]

Where have you been, they ask, and what I can
announce is not much. I have been away
to where the hand and eye do not deceive,

I think this could be a good a starting point to lead into the poem, though for me it seems to wander slightly into obscurity and gives me a sense that the author is getting a little lost in using overly complicated phrasing in an effort to mould the content in a way which they feel makes it sound poetic. I can get on board with the way it leads up to the closing sentence to an extent, though I do feel that the delivery of the closing statements has had some of the impact sapped by the almost abstract nature of the pathway leading up to them. Perhaps be a bit less forceful in wanting it to sound poetic and allow the reader to garner a stronger connection with the actions and imagery which might enable the ending to pop a bit more.

Regards D.


to where each alphabet that greets my finger
will speak my native tongue, where all the day
is morning. I have been away a spell
from getting and from spending, from the long
descent to evening when no single star
would interrupt the daylight, and the tongue
did not speak out, the eye did not behold,
the foot lacked strength to ferry me. I have
been on the road. I made that journey out
through thin air with my eyes closed – much the way
a bolt of lightning comes to Earth, a spark
leaps from a cathode. In my fertile soil
a crop has taken root, and I will harvest.