I dreamed of grief.

[ton321]

The churlish wind batters the car.
There are no dead bodies beneath.

What has happened has already happened.
That was some kind of relief.

If my eyes wept it was because of the stinging wind.
Though no air ever touched my eyes like a thief.

And if I wake, whenever that might be
it's because my somnabulance will be my grief.

[jisbell00]

Hi Tony,

The rhyme here is tight and pleasing to the ear, but I'm not sure it adds systematically to the sense you may be wanting to convey. I can picture the poem, in other words, without all that rhyme.

The churlish wind batters the car.
There are no dead bodies beneath.

What has happened has already happened.
XXXXXXX (maybe put thief here?)

If my eyes wept it was because of the stinging wind.
Though no air ever touched my eyes.

And if I wake, whenever that might be
my somnabulance will be my grief.

All this to say the rhyming, though tight, feels a bit rhyme-driven to me. I'd say consider tinkering a bit with it.

Cheers,
John

[Macavity]

i]somnambulance [/i]

Particularly like L2. I feel such starkness delivers more.

[ton321]

Thanks John and Mac, you're right in that it was/is entirely a rhyme driven piece, so there might not be much left if you kick the scaffold away. Maybe needs to prove a bit in a drawer

Tony

[Macavity]

The churlish wind batters the car.
There are no dead bodies beneath.

What has happened has already happened.
That was some kind of relief.

If my eyes wept it was because of the stinging wind,
my somnambulance will be my grief.

Just some options, keeping the scaffold.

[jisbell00]

Hi Tony,

Just to say I quite like Phil's option.

Cheers,
John

[ton321]

Thanks Mac for your condensed version. I wanted to keep the fact that it was a poem about a dream, about whatever, but that seems a more concise edit.
I think part of me wants to turn it into a villanelle or something because its so rhyme-based,
Cheers

Tony

[Danté]

The churlish wind batters the car.
There are no dead bodies beneath.

Mmmn, not sure about this opening two lines. I can see that you have opened with something descriptive which begins to set a scene. The next line tells me what is not present which leaves me to either bring my own impression of what actually does occupy that void in the absence of something I've been told is not there. I didn't expect dead bodies to be present so confirming that they are not is not providing me with much to go on.

What has happened has already happened.
That was some kind of relief.

At this point I still have no clue as to what I am trying to connect with or why the author might have a sense of relief as it speaks but says very little. Grief to me implies some kind of loss and thus far into the piece I'm grasping at mild allusion with a generous helping of vagueness. To grasp a sense of loss I'd like to have an impression of prior attachment to enable me to empathise with its absence.

If my eyes wept it was because of the stinging wind.
Though no air ever touched my eyes like a thief.

OK now we are beginning to deliver something more tangible although mildly cliché in respect of eyes and stinging wind.

And if I wake, whenever that might be
it's because my somnabulance will be my grief.


The first of the closing two lines is also a rather tired statement and I can imagine a number of readers thinking WTF is "somnabulance" in the second line.


You have some pleasant rhyming which seems to have forced the remaining content to conform to that aim. Reading out loud it has a melodic quality but the meter feels a bit clunky in places.
It is obvious that you have something to say here which I personally feel is getting a little bit side lined by the manner of its cramped delivery. However I did enjoy the almost jolly quality of the few lines which do deliver in a more fluid and metrical manner.

Regards

D

[ton321]

Cheers Dante

the word "lol" sprang to mind when i read your review.

Dante, Bruno, Vico Joyce, ...Ton321

lol fuck you arsehole



Tony

[AnnaBonjourCadenza]

Hi Tony,
I think Dante has some good points, but just to represent another side, the first two lines hit beautifully for me. I think "there are no dead bodies beneath" is not so much about what the reader was already expecting, but giving context to what the speaker is expecting.

I don't mind the eyes stinging from the "wind," but I think the thief rhyme would feel a bit less forced if it were a metaphor instead of a simile, something like "Tough no air ever touched my eyes, playing thief."

"Playing" is probably not the right word, but something that functions that way might work.

[ton321]

Thanks Anna

This isn't a piece I'm particularly proud of but I'm glad you found something in it. Thanks for the comments and some good suggestions here if and when I ever get around to revising it

Tony