Ancient.

[ton321]

x

[Macavity]

Take a walk on the outer walls
of that old city.
It’s Winter, getting dark,and the faces
of gargoyles are harried;

the ache of the day is still in them,
and they are still missing their pills.

I wondered if you could suggest more about the inner state by tinkering with the perception?

[jisbell00]

Hi Tony,

Yes, I like this one more than the last one. It has an organic unity to it.
I like "the ache of the day is still in us," though I might write with us.
Oh - I think there's a better title out there.

Cheers,
John

[ton321]

Thanks John

[jisbell00]

[CalebPerry]

I didn't care for it the first time I read it, but the second time I found it lovely. I have to ease my brain into modern poetic logic the way one eases into a hot tub that is too hot.

[ton321]

Thanks Mac for the suggestion but sometimes lines just come to you. Once i get thinking about "inner perception" that's when it stops.

Not sure if it's modern poetry, Caleb, but glad you found something in it you liked( too hot lol)


Tony

[AnnaBonjourCadenza]

Hi Tony!

I like this a lot! This is a tiny thing, but you're missing a space after "dark,".
To cat my vote on the penultimate line, I like your original "in us" more than "with us." I think it feels closer and more personal that way.
My only other idea would be to say "geting darker." Then you have "Winter," "darker," and "commuter" with that same "-er" ending.

[ton321]

Thanks Anna for the suggestions. The repetition of the "e" sound is an interesting idea for the sonic texture
Cheers, Tony