Wainstalls

[ton321]

An electric hum
at the worlds edge-biting air brings
narrowness of thought.

Spider-like tree-shape
hanging on the horizon
to catch the cold rain.

Something has sunk
in its seam, a settlement of mind,
deposit in funeral blacks,

and tar-black. The sticky wind
sucks up the day, like a plug being pulled.

[ray miller]

The place near Halifax? The first and last sentences are terrific. Do you need both funeral and tar-black?

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Tony,
I agree with ray, particularly about the beginning and the end. Do you need S2?

An electric hum at the worlds edge
biting air narrows thought.

Something has sunk in its seam,
a settlement of mind, funereal and tar-black.

The sticky wind sucks up the day,
like a plug being pulled.



Just a thought.

[ton321]

Thanks for the suggestions Ray and Not. Inspired a bit by Remains of Elmet by Hughes.

Tony

[AnnaBonjourCadenza]

Hi Tony,
I love the overall feeling here.
For clarity, I would make one of these changes (or something with similar effect).

You could use commas and "shaped":

Spider-like, tree-shaped,
hanging on the horizon....

You could also take the hyphen out of "tree-shape":

Spider-like tree shape
hanging on the horizon...

[ton321]

Anna

moving the hyphen to where you suggested makes sense

Tony