Poetry Forum

Smother

INHAIL
Grey whispers twine
About his face
Forming as a noose, the threads
-------------------coming undone
----------becoming ghosts, joining
---------the acrid, thick smog
-----------choking,
---------------coughing.---------------EXHAIL
These grey demons
--------------------only wait
------------------------for their prey, is as anonymous
----------------------------as Anyone.
-------------------------------Almost invisibly
-----------------------------------------they enter through
---------------------------------------------------the weakest places
------------------------------------------------------and
---------------------------------------------------------Kill

i dont really get it sorry

Have they introduced no-smoking in public places in Oz yet?

umm, in some pubs, some shopping centres, but not everywhere, their trying to ban it on beaches, but i dont think its come through yet.

actully this poem kind of got stuffed alittle, beause the lines are not meant to be all under eachother, but more spread out across the page and i couldnt get it to work like that, it adds to the effect.... ohwell...

Hopefully it looks better now, Yesterday? (not that it looked better yesterday, I mean present tense. ha. ha.)

I think the part after EXHALE was better because it was more imaginative, less relying on very predictably smoking-related words like choking, ghosts, smog, coughing.

- Caleb

hehe

thanx for that, yes, your right, the first part is a bit cleche, but thats what happens when your trying to write for some one else

I liked it

at first thought maybe choking in a fire but then realised it was about smoking. An interesting way of talking about smoking even if the words in the first half were quite expected (pseud).

thanks for the read

benjy

i got that it has to do with smoking... but i think that it can also apply to other aspects... u prolly weren't aiming for that at all ... but i enjoyed it because of that