Early poem of mine

[geordieracer]

This is the first time I have posted any work for others to critique, so be honest but gentle

Innocence stands alone in a room
Waiting for Salvation to come
Gauges her eyes to shut out the light
And sighs as reality numbs...

Destitute voices are singing her name
As temptation begs her to follow
The lump of contempt that sticks in her throat
Is increasingly harder to swallow.

[cameron]

Hi geordieracer,

Welcome to the forum.

To me, this poem "tells" rather than "shows" and it is generally considered better technique to "show". It also contains a fair number of abstract concepts eg innocence, salvation, contempt, temptation - which makes it rather vague.

I think it would work better if you could try and make it more specific or if you could paint some kind of picture or set up a scene which shows us what you are trying to say.

Sorry if this sounds negative.

If I haven't put you off and you decide to stick around, you'll find that you get more feedback from others if you review their work too.

Cheers
Cam

[twoleftfeet]

Hi,
You have followed a strict meter except for line 2.
May I suggest changing "waiting" to "and waits"?

I have to agree with Cam - it's all a bit abstract.
I think you might get away with it if you set it in a Church rather than
a room. (Some might say that is an even worse idea l

Keep posting
Geoff

[AshleyD]

Hi Geordieracer,

Im new here aswell, so pleace take any advice as only one person's opinion.

This is a positive first post, and that there's alot of good in it. I think the way Innocence and Salvation were personified (although abstract) was leaning towards the metaphorical, which is clever!

The sensory language that you used on the last two lines was the real strengh of this poem for me. What you wrote created a concrete feeling that I experienced, and engraved a lasting mark on my mind (I could almost gulp down that "lump"!)

I would have liked to read more concrete description here, of smaller things. Instead of her eyes- her eyelashes ; instead of her sigh- the vapour it leaves on a window.. Geoffrey Lehmann does this well in his "Harold's Walk" if you have the time.

The tone sounded strong aswell, similiar to the type used by more experienced poets. Maybe some run-on lines would let you play around with the tempo abit? -just a thought.

PM me when you write the next one,
Cheers,
Ashley.

[mick]

Not a lot more I can say really. I did enjoy it though, as cameron suggests, we're supposed to show - like painting a scene. Don't get disheartened. I like the style.

[anniecat]

I liked it, very easy to read, i wonder where she is and why she feels contempt and for why/who/what, it makes me think of the many places she could be and is SHE human? nice one Anniecat