Poetry Forum

Just to set the scene, i sent this to the girl i am trying to woo. Well, not this exactly. I sent her a text message along similar lines, a bit shorter but the conclusion was the same except i didn't say i loved her. She doesn't know that yet so please,NOT A WORD to her ok. But she asked me not to write her such poems because it made her cry.I was kinda flattered i guess. But yall don't know me so i doubt you will cry, but put yourself in my shoes and i hope it stirs you a little at least.


A thought in itself is not a great deal.
But think it often enough, it may become a meal.
Food for the mind on which it can thrive.
For a meaning to the thought the mind will strive.

As it strives the thought may begin to expand.
Into new dimensions, unchecked and unplanned.
It becomes a feeling it must first understand.
Must look deeper into to take into hand.

Here the mind begins to form a notion.
This idea begins the formation of emotion.
So deep and dark as to be an ocean.
To this thought the mind shall wed devotion.

But here the emotion will not be content.
With devotion comes emotions true intent.
either To the good or to the detriment.
To every corner of the body this feeling is sent.

As the body is consumed as well as the heart.
The mind understands how to play its part.
For although it knew right from the start.
The reason for this journey it could not impart.

It has travelled this road but for one reason.
The heart to the mind plays cold cruel treason.
To give the emotion unstoppable freedom.
Hearts tricks, the mind unable to see them.

Never a thought did just mistakenly occur.
From a thought to this point is but a blur.
But the heart told the mind this thought to stir.
As a horses flank, the mind it did spur.

For this emotion we know can only be true.
An emotion felt by far too few.
Its something i feel when i think of you.
Its love, nothing else, pure simple and true.

A bit soppy maybe but i hope you like it!

It's okay...
But it doesn’t really flow very well. The full stops at the end of every line put me off a little bit, and the rhyme was all over the show…

Hello and welcome.

You've concentrated all your effort into the rhyme. The metre has been left to fend for itself when it needed your help - Strict rhyme and metre are hard to master and done well by few, better to try and develop your ideas into poetic images and use of word sounds, (have a look in the Poetry Tutorials section).

Your syntax has also become a victim of rhyme - you've altered your normal word patterns to fit into your rhyme schemes -

'Never a thought did just mistakenly occur.
From a thought to this point is but a blur.
But the heart told the mind this thought to stir.
As a horses flank, the mind it did spur.'

Keep to eveyday syntax rules otherwise the poem will sound forced, best to let it flow naturally. Try writing in free verse, rid yourself of the self-made shackles of rhyme - there is much more to poetry than mere rhyme.

The best advice that I can give is to read plenty of poetry - Eliot, Larkin, Heaney, Hughes, R.S Thomas etc - They have plenty to teach us all.

cheers

Barrie

Thanks for the opinions. I was kinda pleased with that one but i have to appreciate your comments. It is true, i tend to write backwards so i see your point, i always thought it showed a better understanding of english and its use but it does kinda dominate the poem. Il try to be little more normal in future works. ta.