Rain like drops tickle taps
Plugged
Flame blessed waters rise
A lonely hair sails the high tide
Waters purest innocence
Taken by a plunging fizz
Erotic motions rippling
Niagra plungepool, bubbling
Thrown by a river tribe
A sliding body
Causes rising jungle waters
A brimming mixture
Only the head afloat
The drowned body
Relaxed by seductive waters.
Bath Time
I think there are some nice ideas in the poem, I loved the 'lonely hair sails the high tide', which to me, on first reading sounded quite sweet and twee, then the tone of the poem suddenly changes. However, there were a few images there that I wasn't quite sure about - why are the waters 'flame blessed', I also wasn't sure about the description of water as 'waters purest innocence' - we know water is a symbol of purity, and I think if you spell it out for us inthe purity it looses some of that poetic mystery to it.
Anyway, I loved the change of tone in the poem, nice one hope that helps
Anyway, I loved the change of tone in the poem, nice one hope that helps
Hello CL - First question - Why capital letters for each new line and no punctuation?
I must partially agree with SP - The first couple if verses are a bit on the twee side (they need a bit of roughing up), but the second half of the poem was a real contrast, almost disturbing.
'Rain like drops tickle taps' - you're drifting into cliche here; and 'tickle taps' (to my ears) adds to the tweeness.
'Flame blessed' seems out of place here (a great phrase to cynically describe a burning church or a cremation).
'Only the head afloat
The drowned body
Relaxed by seductive waters.' - I like this description of the body in the river, which is also a description of someone in a bath. A link between totally different circumstances.
Be aware of cliches (it's so easy to miss them).
Some good stuff here, plenty to whet the appetite.
Barrie
I must partially agree with SP - The first couple if verses are a bit on the twee side (they need a bit of roughing up), but the second half of the poem was a real contrast, almost disturbing.
'Rain like drops tickle taps' - you're drifting into cliche here; and 'tickle taps' (to my ears) adds to the tweeness.
'Flame blessed' seems out of place here (a great phrase to cynically describe a burning church or a cremation).
'Only the head afloat
The drowned body
Relaxed by seductive waters.' - I like this description of the body in the river, which is also a description of someone in a bath. A link between totally different circumstances.
Be aware of cliches (it's so easy to miss them).
Some good stuff here, plenty to whet the appetite.
Barrie
This is the first crit I have written - and I chose this poem because there is a lot here that I like.
I find it easy to picture the scene whilst reading this poem. Despite the 'tweeness', I like the sound of 'tickle taps', it feels gentle and appropriate for the beginning. I assume the 'flame blessed waters' refers to candlelight and I smiled at the imagery of 'a lonely hair sails the high tide'. These first four lines paint a feeling of tranquility for me.
The next eight lines, do not sit as comfortably, although there is some nice imagery - 'a sliding body' for instance, I find they are less comfortable to say out loud. Try playing with the words - do you read it out loud as you write?
I like the final three lines, 'the drowned body relaxed by seductive waters' gives me such a feeling of letting the stresses of the day be washed away.
Yeah - I like it.
I find it easy to picture the scene whilst reading this poem. Despite the 'tweeness', I like the sound of 'tickle taps', it feels gentle and appropriate for the beginning. I assume the 'flame blessed waters' refers to candlelight and I smiled at the imagery of 'a lonely hair sails the high tide'. These first four lines paint a feeling of tranquility for me.
The next eight lines, do not sit as comfortably, although there is some nice imagery - 'a sliding body' for instance, I find they are less comfortable to say out loud. Try playing with the words - do you read it out loud as you write?
I like the final three lines, 'the drowned body relaxed by seductive waters' gives me such a feeling of letting the stresses of the day be washed away.
Yeah - I like it.
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Cooladd,
This is definitely one of your best as there is an immediate understanding of what direction the poem is headed and you let the reader 'in'.
I really liked:
A lonely hair sails the high tide...
Only suggestion on this line is leave out 'A' and start with 'Lonely.'
I really think you could turn this into a really nice piece of poetry by changing just a few lines that tell more than show. An example would be, 'waters purest innocence' or 'relaxed by seductive waters'.'
Could someone explain to me what 'twee' means?
Cheers,
Kimberly
This is definitely one of your best as there is an immediate understanding of what direction the poem is headed and you let the reader 'in'.
I really liked:
A lonely hair sails the high tide...
Only suggestion on this line is leave out 'A' and start with 'Lonely.'
I really think you could turn this into a really nice piece of poetry by changing just a few lines that tell more than show. An example would be, 'waters purest innocence' or 'relaxed by seductive waters'.'
Could someone explain to me what 'twee' means?
Cheers,
Kimberly
"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you."
I think this needs a punch line (not a jokey one!), something to twist the reader at the end.
It's full of cool images of "bath time", you definitely have the gift.
CC
It's full of cool images of "bath time", you definitely have the gift.
CC
Kimberly,
The pretty ickle doggy-woggy went down the roady-woady to see his mumsy-wumsy.
Now that's twee.
There are other examples.
Some good phrases in this though, cooladd, but also a good example of how fatal simple spelling mistakes can be ... "Niagra" ... now I'm almost sure we shouldn't be thinking of Viagra, but we are. That's what a missing "a" can do. Still, it's a nice little piece. Worth persevering.
David
The pretty ickle doggy-woggy went down the roady-woady to see his mumsy-wumsy.
Now that's twee.
There are other examples.
Some good phrases in this though, cooladd, but also a good example of how fatal simple spelling mistakes can be ... "Niagra" ... now I'm almost sure we shouldn't be thinking of Viagra, but we are. That's what a missing "a" can do. Still, it's a nice little piece. Worth persevering.
David