Poetry Forum

Rain like drops tickle taps
Plugged
Flame blessed waters rise
A lonely hair sails the high tide

Waters purest innocence
Taken by a plunging fizz
Erotic motions rippling
Niagra plungepool, bubbling

Thrown by a river tribe
A sliding body
Causes rising jungle waters
A brimming mixture

Only the head afloat
The drowned body
Relaxed by seductive waters.

I think there are some nice ideas in the poem, I loved the 'lonely hair sails the high tide', which to me, on first reading sounded quite sweet and twee, then the tone of the poem suddenly changes. However, there were a few images there that I wasn't quite sure about - why are the waters 'flame blessed', I also wasn't sure about the description of water as 'waters purest innocence' - we know water is a symbol of purity, and I think if you spell it out for us inthe purity it looses some of that poetic mystery to it.

Anyway, I loved the change of tone in the poem, nice one hope that helps

Hello CL - First question - Why capital letters for each new line and no punctuation?

I must partially agree with SP - The first couple if verses are a bit on the twee side (they need a bit of roughing up), but the second half of the poem was a real contrast, almost disturbing.

'Rain like drops tickle taps' - you're drifting into cliche here; and 'tickle taps' (to my ears) adds to the tweeness.

'Flame blessed' seems out of place here (a great phrase to cynically describe a burning church or a cremation).

'Only the head afloat
The drowned body
Relaxed by seductive waters.' - I like this description of the body in the river, which is also a description of someone in a bath. A link between totally different circumstances.

Be aware of cliches (it's so easy to miss them).

Some good stuff here, plenty to whet the appetite.

Barrie

This is the first crit I have written - and I chose this poem because there is a lot here that I like.

I find it easy to picture the scene whilst reading this poem. Despite the 'tweeness', I like the sound of 'tickle taps', it feels gentle and appropriate for the beginning. I assume the 'flame blessed waters' refers to candlelight and I smiled at the imagery of 'a lonely hair sails the high tide'. These first four lines paint a feeling of tranquility for me.

The next eight lines, do not sit as comfortably, although there is some nice imagery - 'a sliding body' for instance, I find they are less comfortable to say out loud. Try playing with the words - do you read it out loud as you write?

I like the final three lines, 'the drowned body relaxed by seductive waters' gives me such a feeling of letting the stresses of the day be washed away.

Yeah - I like it.

Cooladd,
This is definitely one of your best as there is an immediate understanding of what direction the poem is headed and you let the reader 'in'.

I really liked:

A lonely hair sails the high tide...

Only suggestion on this line is leave out 'A' and start with 'Lonely.'
I really think you could turn this into a really nice piece of poetry by changing just a few lines that tell more than show. An example would be, 'waters purest innocence' or 'relaxed by seductive waters'.'

Could someone explain to me what 'twee' means?

Cheers,
Kimberly

I think this needs a punch line (not a jokey one!), something to twist the reader at the end.

It's full of cool images of "bath time", you definitely have the gift.

CC

Kimberly,

The pretty ickle doggy-woggy went down the roady-woady to see his mumsy-wumsy.

Now that's twee.

There are other examples.

Some good phrases in this though, cooladd, but also a good example of how fatal simple spelling mistakes can be ... "Niagra" ... now I'm almost sure we shouldn't be thinking of Viagra, but we are. That's what a missing "a" can do. Still, it's a nice little piece. Worth persevering.

David