Busted - Poem

[Hidden-Spirit]

I’m not sure how to start
Words flowin from a broken heart
Cracked and shatter all over
Someone crushed my four-leaf-clover

The line of sanity has become thin
The light of hope has become dim
The foundation of comfort has exploded
The rail of confidence has eroded

Thoughts in my mind screaming
Emotions in my heart bleeding
Hidden tears in my eyes revealing
The unwanted dark painful feeling

My wings are weak
My wounds are deep
The mountain I must climb – steep
The top – will I ever reach?

Nothing is forever
Forever is nothing
It’s you’re clever
Surrender to forever

Many battles I have fought
This is one that I’ve lost
My destiny I can’t control
It’s hard to climb a slippery pole

Am I the only one who feels this way?
Knowing I’m just a puppet in life's play
Closing my mind to all new idea
Waiting until I have to say see’ya

My thoughts I can no longer fight back
For they attack like a hungry wolf back
Draining the life out of me
Not matter how much I beg and plea

***My eyes no longer glow and sparkle
Me face no longer vibrant with color
My smile no longer big and wide
My voice no longer calm and gentle

***I’m thinking of deleting this part because it doesn’t seem to fit in.

Some things just come to YOU
DEAL with them

Any comments?

[barrie]

You've concentrated all your effort into forced rhyme to the detriment of everything else. The best advice I can give you is to read plenty of good poetry - Eliot, Yeats, Thomas, Hughes, Heaney etc. - this is the best way to learn. There's a good Poetry Tutorial section on this site, this is well worth a visit.

You've done the hardest part - You've written a poem and posted it for all to see. The next step (which never stops), is to improve.

First two things - Forget trying to make everything rhyme and stop using cliches. Think about what you really want to get across and do it in an original way.

Keep 'em coming

cheers

Barrie

[Hidden-Spirit]

Oh yeah, I’m obsessed with rhyming! Bad habit I was taught at a very young age.
I recall my primary school teachers yellin’ “If it does not rhyme it’s not a poem!” They brainwashed us in to believe that.

Thanks for your input, I will keep it in mind and I may as well rewrite this poem again and again until it’s close to perfect.

I actually did have a look at the tutorial; it’s pretty informative but a little confusing because you don’t know where to start at first.

I’ve always wondered, it isn’t the rhyming, then what makes a poem good?
The emotions, the flow, the plot, overall feeling, intensity…sounds more similar to free writing.

Take Care
H.S

[barrie]

The imagery, use of language, the flow ... all make for a good poem.

R.S. Thomas

We met
under a shower
of bird-notes.
Fifty years passed,
love's moment
in a world in
servitude to time.
She was young;
I kissed with my eyes
closed and opened
them on her wrinkles.
`Come,' said death,
choosing her as his
partner for
the last dance, And she,
who in life
had done everything
with a bird's grace,
opened her bill now
for the shedding
of one sigh no
heavier than a feather.


Have a look in the main forum - Pseud wrote an imitation of this called 'Urban Development'.

cheers

Barrie

[TheYoungOne]

Like Barrie said I think you should forget the rhyming.

I didn’t understand this bit:

Nothing is forever
Forever is nothing
It’s you’re clever
Surrender to forever

It confused me a little

[David]

I liked this line: "Someone crushed my four-leaf clover".

The whole thing's a bit long. Always say something as briefly as you can. If it has to be longer, it will be, but don't aim for it.

Yay.

David

[Hidden-Spirit]

Like Barrie said I think you should forget the rhyming.

I didn’t understand this bit:

Nothing is forever
Forever is nothing
It’s you’re clever
Surrender to forever

It confused me a little

This is what I was thinking of when I wrote this verse. “Every time I plan ahead, some outer force interferes with my plans and I’m back to where I started so I decided on not planning ahead and surrendering to fate.”
Nothing is forever…. nothing last long
Forever is never…forever does not exist
If you’re clever
Surrender to forever…let your fate lead you life and don’t plan ahead because it’s a waste of time.
Hope that makes sense.

Take Care,
H.S.