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[Hidden-Spirit]

I tried a new style, tried to ignore the rhyming and let it flow but it turned out horrible What did I do wrong?

You’re strong
So get up.
Face your life
Take a risk,
Roll the dice.
No turning back
You’re in too deep
The time has come
So FOCUS

It don’t matter
What they say
Coz they don’t care
They don’t give a damn,
Standing in your way
Stealing your light
Consuming your strength
Taking away the love
Leaving you lost, lonely
Empty in despair
No matter what you do
There won’t see YOU

It’s time to celebrate you.
Not what they think,
Nor what they believe,
Not what they want you to be
No what they perceive

The time has come,
It’s time to stand up.
Go face your life
The world is out there
Opportunities it holds
Spread your wings out
Look for the prospect
Pursue your goal
Believe in yourself
Reward YOU

I know I totally screwed up the ending, but I had no clue how to end it, so I just messed it up.
This is actually what I ended up with when I tried to rewrite this poem I wrote a while ago. I looked at the inner feelings, did the word association exercise and change it.

Oh little butterfly,
Shy butterfly,
Afraid to fly high
Sore up in the sky.

From the moment you left your cocoon,
Inside you knew someday you’d reach the moon.
With strength and determination,
You will prove yourself to the nation.

Spread your wings out,
Clear your mind of all doubt
The day you’ve waited for has finally arrived.
The time has come for you to feel alive.

[David]

HS,

This is exactly what you should be doing. You tried something new. It didn't work out, but that happens all the time. So try it again, or try something different.

Speaking from personal experience, I think you have loads of bad writing to get out of your system before you get on to stuff you're even half-pleased with. (If you don't, you are a born poet, and there aren't that many of them about.)

Your problem - although, hopefully, it will become an advantage - is that you're putting your early stuff out there, for other people to see. A lot of us, I suspect, did it in old notebooks that have long since been pulped, and deservedly so.

I almost guarantee that, if you keep trying, it will get better.

By the way, the second poem you have submitted here appears to be a rewrite of a Beatles song, Blackbird. There, you're trying to say the same thing as Paul McCartney. That can't be bad, can it? It's a beautiful song too.

Cheers,
David

[Hidden-Spirit]

By the way, the second poem you have submitted here appears to be a rewrite of a Beatles song, Blackbird. There, you're trying to say the same thing as Paul McCartney. That can't be bad, can it? It's a beautiful song too.

Never heard that song before. I actually wrote that after I decided to let go of everyone who was holding me back.

I've only been at this for about 3 months, lol, I'm probably going to try and read more poetry and re-write this again. Anyways, it's just for fun and as my older brother always says "learn to laugh at yourself...for a lifetime of free entertainment"

Take Care,
H.S.