Worship - needs help and ideas....:)
Posted: Sat May 13, 2006 8:11 pm
Worship
Your perfection, a solitary statue
In a bare desert, thrusting to vie with the sun,
Proud pose, unassailable, like your marble flesh
Which the skeletons at your feet profoundly confess.
My sky, stumbling remarks a sacrifice
At your veiled altar. No munificence.
Coiled in the razor wire of your voice
I choke in awkward incompetence.
My fawnings, like a fish, viciously hooked
Waiting for you to pull me out or let me go,
I am your plaything, ponderous marionette
Of my impending fate, I do not know.
Later, away from the crucible of your gaze
Stripping away all pretensions, save those
You wear, nonchalantly, permanently unfazed
The cinema of hindsight closed
And I drift into a fitful sleep.
I have consulted the Auguries
Who have seen signs of great importance,
Your mind when revealed, like sun through cloud
Will blind me with its honest magnificence
hey all would love some criticism etc. on this I wrote last week. Some of it is cringe worthy notably line 4 and line 6 but I'm too involved in it to objectively pull it apart. Help!
benjy
Your perfection, a solitary statue
In a bare desert, thrusting to vie with the sun,
Proud pose, unassailable, like your marble flesh
Which the skeletons at your feet profoundly confess.
My sky, stumbling remarks a sacrifice
At your veiled altar. No munificence.
Coiled in the razor wire of your voice
I choke in awkward incompetence.
My fawnings, like a fish, viciously hooked
Waiting for you to pull me out or let me go,
I am your plaything, ponderous marionette
Of my impending fate, I do not know.
Later, away from the crucible of your gaze
Stripping away all pretensions, save those
You wear, nonchalantly, permanently unfazed
The cinema of hindsight closed
And I drift into a fitful sleep.
I have consulted the Auguries
Who have seen signs of great importance,
Your mind when revealed, like sun through cloud
Will blind me with its honest magnificence
hey all would love some criticism etc. on this I wrote last week. Some of it is cringe worthy notably line 4 and line 6 but I'm too involved in it to objectively pull it apart. Help!
benjy