Living, dying, life is a razor blade edge, balancing
when you slip it cuts right through the flesh, each tear
shared by a leak from the eye.
He who is all and was the world cursed us all, angel
humour is eternal and vast, only all evil has descended
and taken the fall, echoes of rebellion against the purest
white who’s Christ.
Now it would seem the church is in fright, "da vinci"
Mona Lisa smile is now justified, corrupt religion wakes to
the world, no more locking and hiding his purest words .
Thanks i have edited where mentioned,much appreciated...Thomas..
Purest White
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thoke
- Preponderant Poster
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- Location: Nottingham
Just a few spelling/grammatical errors:
There shouldn't be an apostrophe in "cuts" in the second line. "Cut's" = "cut is."
And in the second stanza that should be "echoes", not "echo's." Again, "echo's" = "echo is" - unless you do actually mean to say "echo is"?
And I think you spelled "Da Vinci" wrong too.
I can only think of one non-trivial criticism to make:
I like the way you give "tear" two meanings, and it rhymes nicely with "shared." But is it necessary to actually tell the reader what a tear (as in teardrop) is?.. "a leak that protrudes from the eye." It seems a little bit too much like you're explaining your use of a pun to the reader, rather than just using the pun.
There shouldn't be an apostrophe in "cuts" in the second line. "Cut's" = "cut is."
And in the second stanza that should be "echoes", not "echo's." Again, "echo's" = "echo is" - unless you do actually mean to say "echo is"?
And I think you spelled "Da Vinci" wrong too.
I can only think of one non-trivial criticism to make:
I like the way you give "tear" two meanings, and it rhymes nicely with "shared." But is it necessary to actually tell the reader what a tear (as in teardrop) is?.. "a leak that protrudes from the eye." It seems a little bit too much like you're explaining your use of a pun to the reader, rather than just using the pun.
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benjywenjy
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 232
- Joined: Sat May 13, 2006 8:02 pm
- Location: manchester UK
like the image of the world as a razor's blade and how one mistake can harm you.
very jaded view of the world, very interestign use of religious imagery and thought...
'angel humour is eternal and vast' - love that line, very very dark.
line 3 gave me the feeling it had been written to rhyme with meat in line 2. Just my opinion but it doesn't really seem to fit in with the rest of the poem.
I really like it though
benjy
very jaded view of the world, very interestign use of religious imagery and thought...
'angel humour is eternal and vast' - love that line, very very dark.
line 3 gave me the feeling it had been written to rhyme with meat in line 2. Just my opinion but it doesn't really seem to fit in with the rest of the poem.
I really like it though
benjy