Poetry Forum

Hearing your voice on the phone
I remembered how I loved
to visit your home
with the piano in the hallway
and books everywhere
pile upon towering pile.

I remember the pots and plants
and coloured glass that
led the way upstairs.
Glimpses of tall brothers
through their half-closed
bedroom doors.

I remember your dolls house
and the multi-coloured book-case
and bags full of beads
and the silver flute in your room.
We rode our broom-handle ponies
up and down
again and again
through the den behind the lilac tree
past the blue plastic sun lounger
and damp indian skirts swinging in the wind.

I remember your pigtails
your smile and your eyes
as we lived our lives through Cindy dolls
scene by spectacular scene.
You had glitter-gel 'free' from Blue-Jeans magazine
and rainbow striped socks
and real paintings on the walls
and it never felt tidy
but gloriously lived in
and full of the wonders of music and art.

A piece of well described reminiscence. Memories are obviously personal, and can sometimes fail miserably when described in a poem. However, you chose a house. I think most people have fond recollections of some house they used to like visiting - it certainly struck a chord with me. Question; don't you remember the smells? I remember my friend's house always smelled of apple pies.

You need to tighten up your punctuation, and cut down on the 'ands'. ie -

'I remember your dolls house,
the multi-coloured book-case,
bags full of beads
and the silver flute in your room.
We rode our broom-handle ponies
up and down,
again and again
through the den behind the lilac tree,
beyond the blue plastic sun lounger,
damp indian skirts swinging in the wind.''

'You had glitter-gel 'free' from Blue-Jeans magazine,
rainbow striped socks,
and real paintings on the walls.
It never felt tidy
but gloriously lived in -
full of the wonders of music and art.

good one

Barrie

Good one indeed. Particularly liked ' Glimpses of tall brothers through their half closed bedroom doors '. Although I dont think it needs 'their'. Anyhow, struck home with me.

A lovely piece Lemony, well done.

I agree, really good, and Minstrel's favourite line is mine also.

It seems to be an immutable law of childhood, that there is always one of your friends who seems to lead a sainted life, with cooler, finer, more desirable house, parents and pets than yours.

I think the title is perfect as well.

And, although it's not for me to say, it doesn't really strike me as a beginner's poem. Time for a step up?

David

really nice tone, whistful and nostaligc. sweet and nice. I'd agree with barrie though, maybe it doesn't need all the 'ands'

nice piece

benjy