Bugger. It won't work. Check the batteries, barge
Through rush hour to Boots, "six pack Duracell Please"
Jog out of Boots, past the Meal Deals; all set
Coat, bag, light, check, check, check.
I know the feeling.
A herd of commuters, dead to the world, block your path,
Dodge through wide-eyed tourists and stony-faced clerks
Running late, better run, run fast, but then,
The Northern Line's delayed; a spanner in the works.
I know the feeling.
Did you concentrate on some injustice or slight,
To drive you?
Or did you picture arrival,
The purity you would be deflowering that night?
The delights you deserved, your labours fruits borne
Maybe you felt,
How I felt,
When I stood tall,
On the train to Heathrow,
And watched all the drones, dreading
Another day in offices and broken homes.
I was escaping,
I was elated
My sins soon to be forgotten,
Humdrum shortcomings forgiven.
It got me through,
Did it drive you too?
But what I don't understand is what flew through your mind,
In those moments before you left us behind.
Did you look into their eyes?
Did you beg God you were right?
Or did you not have the courage to question
Like you had not the heart to repent
What God would let you into heaven
After you ripped the heart from my chest.
Buying Batteries From Boots - mild swearing (once)
-
twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Lifeguard,
I enjoyed this one, once I had worked out a possible relationship between
the two threads - you leaving for a holday and she leaving you
(and, I presume, the kids). I'm still unsure of this....
The only tiny quibble I have is that you need a full stop after "repent" in
the final stanza.
Keep 'em coming.
Geoff
I enjoyed this one, once I had worked out a possible relationship between
the two threads - you leaving for a holday and she leaving you
(and, I presume, the kids). I'm still unsure of this....
The only tiny quibble I have is that you need a full stop after "repent" in
the final stanza.
Keep 'em coming.
Geoff
The poem only began for me at verse three - I just found the first verse confusing and unnecessary. I found my attention drifting, which isn't the required effect.
I would begin on a re-worked verse two - spanner in the works' is a real spanner in the works; too much of a cliche. Not sure about 'I know the feeling' - is the empathy lost by losing that phrase?
Just go through it and remove anything that sounds overused or out of place.
'your labours fruits borne' - sounds anachronistic. 'Maybe you felt/How I felt - Can you find a better way to say this.
Sorry to appear picky, but these things do detract from the poem as a whole - Strip away anything that you think could distract from what you really want to say.
You did a good job with 'Foreigner', you captured the mood well and made your point without any distractions. So don't let me put you off.
cheers
Barrie
I would begin on a re-worked verse two - spanner in the works' is a real spanner in the works; too much of a cliche. Not sure about 'I know the feeling' - is the empathy lost by losing that phrase?
Just go through it and remove anything that sounds overused or out of place.
'your labours fruits borne' - sounds anachronistic. 'Maybe you felt/How I felt - Can you find a better way to say this.
Sorry to appear picky, but these things do detract from the poem as a whole - Strip away anything that you think could distract from what you really want to say.
You did a good job with 'Foreigner', you captured the mood well and made your point without any distractions. So don't let me put you off.
cheers
Barrie
-
lifeguard_sleeping
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Sun May 21, 2006 2:53 pm
- Location: London, England
you won't put me off. 
I expect a lot to be wrong with my poems, I'm 19 and this is the second serious poem I've written. If there is anything good to say about it at all, I'm pleased.
as for the meaning of the poem, sorry if it wasn't clear. I was actually inspired by this:
Hasib Hussain
The youngest of the bombers showed a chilling calm amid the horror of July 7.
The 18-year-old Hussain's plan had been to cause carnage by detonating a bomb on the Northern Line at 8.50am - the same time as his three accomplices.
It failed to explode but, instead of panicking, he calmly returned to the surface at King's Cross station and went shopping for batteries. After visiting Boots, he found what he needed in WH Smith.
As chaos reigned all around, he then went to McDonald's for a last meal. He caught a number 91 bus then switched to a number 30. His bomb now fixed using the 9v battery, he exploded it in Tavistock Square - killing 13 and injuring more than 110.
Security services had originally believed Hussain failed to detonate his device on the Northern Line because of delays, but suspicion has switched to the battery theory. Further evidence is needed to say categorically that this was the case.
His parents were oblivious of his involvement in the attacks and raised the alarm on the evening of July 7, fearing he could have been an innocent victim.
Hussain had an uneventful upbringing in the Holbeck area of Leeds, but changed after his parents sent him to Pakistan following concerns about him "going a bit wild". After his return, friends said he had become a devout Muslim.
His father Mohamed Hussain, a retired foundry worker, said his son was "never a bit of bother to us" and described how the family waved him off on his trip to London, oblivious of his intentions.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/a ... ge_id=1770
I expect a lot to be wrong with my poems, I'm 19 and this is the second serious poem I've written. If there is anything good to say about it at all, I'm pleased.as for the meaning of the poem, sorry if it wasn't clear. I was actually inspired by this:
Hasib Hussain
The youngest of the bombers showed a chilling calm amid the horror of July 7.
The 18-year-old Hussain's plan had been to cause carnage by detonating a bomb on the Northern Line at 8.50am - the same time as his three accomplices.
It failed to explode but, instead of panicking, he calmly returned to the surface at King's Cross station and went shopping for batteries. After visiting Boots, he found what he needed in WH Smith.
As chaos reigned all around, he then went to McDonald's for a last meal. He caught a number 91 bus then switched to a number 30. His bomb now fixed using the 9v battery, he exploded it in Tavistock Square - killing 13 and injuring more than 110.
Security services had originally believed Hussain failed to detonate his device on the Northern Line because of delays, but suspicion has switched to the battery theory. Further evidence is needed to say categorically that this was the case.
His parents were oblivious of his involvement in the attacks and raised the alarm on the evening of July 7, fearing he could have been an innocent victim.
Hussain had an uneventful upbringing in the Holbeck area of Leeds, but changed after his parents sent him to Pakistan following concerns about him "going a bit wild". After his return, friends said he had become a devout Muslim.
His father Mohamed Hussain, a retired foundry worker, said his son was "never a bit of bother to us" and described how the family waved him off on his trip to London, oblivious of his intentions.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/a ... ge_id=1770
Now the first verse is clear - it just sounded manic and confusing. Now I know the theme, I understand. Maybe you should be a little suggestive of the subject in your title.
The last line gave impression of a poem about a betrayal in love -
'After you ripped the heart from my chest.'
Reading through it and knowing the subject, the mysteries are solved.
If you're going to dive straight in, I think you should give yor readers a clue in the title - it enhances the whole effect - and makes your switching of egos less confusing.
'I was escaping,
I was elated
My sins soon to be forgotten,' and then
'But what I don't understand is what flew through your mind,
In those moments before you left us behind.
Strip away the cliche and excess words, and this would really work.
Barrie
The last line gave impression of a poem about a betrayal in love -
'After you ripped the heart from my chest.'
Reading through it and knowing the subject, the mysteries are solved.
If you're going to dive straight in, I think you should give yor readers a clue in the title - it enhances the whole effect - and makes your switching of egos less confusing.
'I was escaping,
I was elated
My sins soon to be forgotten,' and then
'But what I don't understand is what flew through your mind,
In those moments before you left us behind.
Strip away the cliche and excess words, and this would really work.
Barrie
Yep, It all makes sense now it's explained. I read into it pretty much the same as Barrie. I've just learned from the guys on this site about giving a clue as to the subject if it's specific. Nice one though. I enjoyed it, especially "wide-eyed tourists and stoney-faced clerks".