Barn Dance (re-revised)

[AshleyD]

(After helpful criticism Ive done another version- thanks for the help!)
Re-Revised:


Barn Dance

The caller at the barn dance
lines them up in two files.
They stand side by side
brushing frills of skirts, suspenders
strapped tight, high heels
poised: ready to fly.

He presses the red button; record
scratches on - humms..
Small crackles, faint fuzz.
Not melodie.

The room stood still.
Clock clicked slow seconds.
Caller cleared his throat..
sent them home in silence.


---------------------

Original:

Barn Dance

The caller at the barn dance
lines them up in two files.
Side by side they stand, brushing frills of
skirts, suspenders strapped tight, fidgety
high heels poised: ready to fly.

He presses the red button, the
record scratches on - hummms..
Small crackles. Faint fuzz.
Not melodie.

The room stood still.
Stiff ticked the clock.
Caller cleared his throat..
sent them home in silence.

--------------

I'd appreciate any comments/suggestions -thanks.

[mick]

Any reason for the change of tense for staza three? Amusing. I enjoyed the descriptive lines in the first.

[pseud]

Welcome Ashley -

I like the description, was there any deeper signficance than the apparent facts - that the record or record player was broken and so no one could dance? I don't think there is a need for any deeper meaning, just wondering what prompted to describe the event?

And like mick I wondered about the verb tenses. Maybe a mixture of flashback and memory?

- Caleb

[David]

Good. Funny. Nice awkward ending.

Appealingly absurd, Ashley. I like it.

David

[mick]

Much prefer the re-work Ashley, though don't take my word for it - only just starting to take poetry seriously myself. Lot's of people on here offer more experienced criticism.

[AshleyD]

Hi, thankyou Mick, Caleb and David for your responses. I've re-drafted, trying to make the message abit clearer. The verb tenses were initially to have the end as reflective upon what had come before. I've changed it though, along with the stuccato punctuation, to make it flow abit more smoothly.

The message probably isn't as clear as I was hoping for, or may be abit too shallow to come across. I was thinking of society's use of technology/advancements/modernity (tried to use an example) and it's overdependence upon it.

Anyways, thankyou all for writing,
I'm glad you liked it, absurd as it may be
Cheers,
Ashley.

[David]

Ashley,

I know this is not what you need to hear - conflicting messages! - but I like the first version better.

And by absurd, I meant the situation you described, not your attempt to describe it. It's good.

David

[barrie]

Reading through both versions, I have to agree with David - your first version is much better.
Thing that grates is the line -'Stiff ticked the clock.' Could I make a suggestion?

'The room stood still.
Clock clicked slow seconds.
Caller cleared his throat..
sent them home in silence.

Just adds a little more alliteration.

Again - the first is best.

nice one

Barrie

[AshleyD]

Ah yes, thankyou Barrie- that suggestion was perfect. Im really pleased with the was this sounds now, thankyou all so much. Does anyone have a suggestion regarding L1, whether to include "at the barn dance"? This repeats the title, and omitting it gets to the action quicker, but it seems to flow smoother with it, any suggestions? I was also wondering about the last line (them/us)? Thankyou all for your comments, Im really happy with the poem,

Thanks for the help,
Cheers,
Ashley.

[anniecat]

Hi,
I thought it was great, found it clear and easy to visulise the senario, for the caller, yeah, gulp awkward situation and real deflater for those dancers so prim.

I am though, unsure of a record player being the problem, more like the record was scratched, as you mention faint fuzz, could be speakers at fault, not realy technology of today, i think just leave it as an unfortunate incident.
(my spellings mabe wrong, no spell checker) AC