Poetry Forum

Ten women and one man
sit around this table
with you and your Mum
to decide where you will live.
And this is big.

I see you smile, look away,
crack a joke, twirl your hair.
We look at you and wait
for you to speak, to share
what you want.

So you say the right words
and know that you've done well
because we smile at you
and nod in agreement.
And this is your life.


(edited for typo - 'you' to 'your' - last line)

This felt guarded but still emotional. The nervy attitude of the child came through very well.

There may a proof-reading mistake on the last line - should it be 'your' rather than 'you'?

Tracey

Hey lemony,

I liked your poem. I think the idea of the table being a scene where the family is described, it made me think of my own family meals, and the smiles that we'd share.. ahh sweet memories!

Anyway, I wish you had described the table more concretely- perhaps with some specific details that would let me build up a picture. Just something detailed- like adding a texture of the table, or a colour of the hair.. I think this would make the scene more vivid.

Maybe I'd prune 'And' from the last line, and some other similiar words throughout, to give the message more umph! I liked the line break of S2 L3, breaking on "wait" made a strong sense of anticipation for me.

I really appreciate the content of the message, and think that the scene that you've chosen makes a nice vignette to carry it it!

Hope this helps,
Cheers,
AShley.

dor was right when she said it felt guarded - It lacks something that your other poems have; a sparkle that's noticeable through its absence.

I know that you're writing about a situation where emotions come second to rules and cold assessments. This seems to have given the poem something dour.

It lacks the life of your other stuff.

Were you holding back?

Barrie

Like this one too, Lemony. Though maybe it does seem to lack some of the mood influence of your others. Feel you capture the girl's mood well, but maybe the impact of the subject of housing might be stated less obviously than "This is big". Still impressed with the way you get lots across in little poems!
Mick.

Thanks for your responses,

Tracey - I hate typos so thanks for pointing that out - that'll teach me not to post before my first coffee of the day! Glad you picked up on the 'nervy' feeling, that is exactly what I was hoping to portray.

Ashley, Barrie and Mick - this is a scene from my working life - rather than my personal life - maybe that makes the difference in how I write about it - interesting that you picked this up - food for thought! It is also something that I wrote very soon after the event - so maybe I hadn't fully processed my own feelings and response to the situation.

I appreciate all your comments - maybe I need to start paying more attention to the detail of my writing, write it - leave it - go back and look again, I tend to be a bit slap-dash - it is more about getting the 'stuff' out of me and onto the paper than it is about creating the perfect poem. Is that bad?

If that's bad, then I'm bad. I've no doubt that whole trees are lost by people who intend to give them a pruning.
Mick.

good point - and look at you with a gold star under your name - I've got some catching up to do!!

Hi thought it was good, brief mabe but saying enough, (And this is big), i'm not sure of.

The ending "And this is your life" puzzles me, i can't seem to visualise the childs ansew, sounds a bit like the name of a game show but as a novice to all this, i'm possibly a million miles away.

Child going into care mabe and social services as a body or posse?