stress

[Yesterday]

Fingers adorned by precise paper-cuts,
with red ink trails of blood
twining down her hand.
To join blue veins
and letters in black ink.
Inscribed upon her palm,
slightly distorted from sweat.
Calluses on her fingertips,
and on the knuckle of her middle finger;
from holding her pen wrong.

[dillingworth]

detailed imagery, but i think you should pay attention to punctuation - don't force a pause when reading by putting in punctuation unless it makes sense when read out to do so. this is essentially a "list" poem, would be better to see these good images interconnected in a more narrative way, or at least with some fuller sentences than just a list of images.

[Yesterday]

Yes, i supose you are correct. But i was not sure how.. any ideas? i did write this when i was stressed... hmm... its a good soother...

anyhow i will work on this.. though i cant think of anyway to combine it with something...

[AshleyD]

Hi,

I really liked this. The imagery snapped to life, and conveyed the message to me really clearly. Re-reading this showed me a new way that poetry can convey messages. 'Twas beautifully done in my opinion! I think the punctuation does need looking at, especially L5.

Cheers,
AShley.

[mick]

Hi Yesterday (something sounds strange about that!). I would have left out "of blood" in the 2nd (yes, I know - some say lenghthen it, some say shorten it). I agree with the above points on punctuation to an extent, however it read well enough to me before I read comments. My question is "Are we talking suicide or overworked poet?"
Good one.
Mick.

[Yesterday]

thanx very much, have fixed it now... i think... have a look....

glad you liked it!

and no, it is not sucide, but over work, exams are bad for the soul.......

[barrie]

It's just the last line that I have a problem with -

'from holding her pen wrong.' - Seems out of place in a poem. What about 'from bad pen posture' or something better?

Apart from that one line - nice one

Barrie

[anniecat]

Hi. Is it your knuckle? I used to have one similar until i found my pc, haha!
Love the topic and exams so scary, nice poem, perhaps you may like a little of this change of words to critic. Let me know if it's of any help. AC

Adorned by paper cuts,
red blood trails,
twining down,

letters in black ink,
inscribed upon her palm,
distorted by sweat.

Calluses on tips,
knuckles suffer too,
from holding,
her pen, to wrong.

I don't know but i found fingers mentioned to often, blue veins to dramaticand (precise) paper-cuts, unnecesary, let the image of whats happened, come through rather than telling of the situation too soon. AC

[merciful evans]

i love the subject. i wish i could have thought of it.
as for this...

'from holding her pen wrong.'

for what its worth, i like this line as it is. barrie's suggestion may repair the grammar, but your line is natural and direct.

the only thing i would have changed is the first word "Adorned". i would have considered
"Abused with paper cuts" or even
"Covered with paper cuts"

enjoyed it. thanks

evans