My first ever poem

[Scruffy]

Hi There,

Created this today, its my first ever one - just got thinking and put it into words. Please let me know if this is any good?


Our existance,
Our time, our life, our world.
Such a glimpse of being we are here
to build memories of the things we seldom do
to be happy, to enjoy to love
to laugh to talk, reminisce and cry
we have little time to make any impact
but our memories are our legacy forever
for we build the things to come
the generation following that once was us
and will always be part of us
our memories will live for eternity yet not through me
beneith time we leave our mark on this world

[AshleyD]

Hey scruffy,

I liked your poem. Some of the issues seem quite deep, and interesting. I think you need to describe more concretely, specific sensory description that would allow the reader to build up a scene. Showing readers things that they can visualise helps to connect with poets on a deeper level. Have a look at a modern poetry anthology (library/book shop) to see how poets do this perhaps? I liked this, and think it has great potential, I look forward to the next one you write!

Hope this helps,
Cheers,
Ashley.

[Scruffy]

Thankyou for your comments. Yes, i can see exactly what your saying, i think if it had more descriptive words and maybe a bit longer then the reader would be able to build up a better scene. Although i know what i am trying to get accross in my own mind, reading it back i do think now it lacks more body to it.

I will have a think and see what else i can add to it and then post it back on there. Also i will have a look at the modern poetry anthology to see if that helps me.

Thanks Again
Scruffy

[barrie]

More descriptive words are not necessarily the answer. Think about exactly what you want to say and then try to say it in an original way - don't use phrases that you know to be unoriginal, go through each line and strip away words that add nothing to the whole - And, as Ashley advised, have a good read at some good poetry (TS Eliot, Seamus Heaney, Hughes etc - you'll find their stuff online). This goes hand in hand with practice.

cheers

Barrie

[mick]

Hi Scruffy. You chose a hell of a subject. I've only started to take poetry seriously recently too, and I admire your attempt to put across the concept as a whole (better than my first attempts). I'm finding it easier to paint pictures of less complex issues at the moment; picturing specific events and trying to describe them in an interesting way.
Have a go. I know it seems piffling when you compare it to the grand scheme of thing in life, but we all need to walk before we can run.
Nice one. Keep it up.
Mick

[Scruffy]

Thankyou for your comments, im working really hard on creating another at the moment, but the thing i find hard is when i actually think about what to put, sometimes it just flows without thought. I get a lot of inspiration from my father who is also a keen poet. I will post a piece of his work and if you could let me know your comments it would be most appreciated.

It was written for a close family member who passed away:

A Monody For Betty,

When our minds wander through the springtime Breacons..... We will think of you,
When they step gingerly, precariously, on the granite stones, set in the crystal stream..... we will think of you,
As they scramble, like eager children scaling the grassy knoll to the derelict watch tower..... we will think of you,
As they bound breathlessly, excitedly, climbing the ancient stone staircase to the highest turret..... we will think of you,
Our thoughts now entwined will drink in the landscape, that sweeps down to the town of Talgarth..... this is when we will be with you.
Together we'll swoop like angels to the mountains, slip precariously once more on the snow clad tor, and once again..... we will laugh with you.
Then finally as twilight falls, we'll cross the vert iginous viaduct, and take a rest for a while in the old station Inn..... Thats how we will remember you.
Infact my mind wanders through the springtime Brecons, at some point in everyday,
I suppose that's the way it will always be,
Until, that is, eternity, finally beckons me.

[mick]

More for the experienced guys than me to comment on this, Scruffy. Your dad made good use of alliteration in places though - "bound breathlessly", "stone staircase". He also gave descriptions of the scenes and actions. I find it easiest to close my eyes and imagine a scene, or remember one (like the one I'm about to submit!) and describe it, especially the parts that make me feel some emotion. If you feel something, the chances are other people will too.
Good luck,
Mick.
Bit like the blind leading the blind here....sorry.

[Scruffy]

This was one i created last night, i tried thinking back to the first moment i saw my fiancee: Let me know your thoughts,

he sees her but fears her not like any other
normally a confident man suddenly lost for words
she passes so graciously
her hair flowing in the wind
her stride, her movement so elegant and femenin
His eyes fixated, his stomach turns
not a familiar feeling he cant understand
he wants to speak to her, his mind full of things to say
her beauty had captured him in every way
his confidence now gone, he has a void in his mind
She fails to notice him which shatterd his damming pride
she was now gone and walked on by
yet he stands in awe
he was touched by love and wants her in his life

[mick]

Hi scruffy.
This needs submitting as a new topic so that others can see it and comment.
Much better than your other in my opinion. There are a few things to iron out. The first line loses its proper meaning because, although it sounds more poetic as it stands, what you're really trying to say is that "he fears her like no other", or "he is in awe of her". I recognise this because it's somthing I've done myself (both in poems and in life!) There are a few problems with tenses - past to present, and back again. I won't bother with any spelling because mine isn't good. Try running the spell-checker on it.
Nice one.
Mick.

[Scruffy]

Hi Mick,

I did mean to check for spelling but i pressed submit instead of preview and missed that out

I see exactly what you’re saying about the tenses now and also the grammar from the first line. It’s these little things that I don’t notice myself and helps when other people point them out to me, it becomes clearer.

Ill remember for the next one to start a new topic, not so hot on these forums at present

Thanks Mick
Luke

[anniecat]

Hi, i think you can see and feel emotions well and that alone gives you the
potencial to carry on and produce some good works. if you don't post them, you won't get the cynics that you need, be confident in your self and post.AC