Poetry Forum

From over the city, I look down with pity
on the haphazard growth of the cancer beneath me.
The boom and the bust, the chaos and rust,
steam rising out of festering greets me.
The festering meets me!

The hiss of the streets and the tracks of their feet
paved over like arteries hardened with time.
The hotels of past glory are dog-eared and hoary,
lost in the pomp of their colonial womb.
Lost in their colonial doom!

Highways through metastases exacerbating its disease
with concrete and tarmac merging into living tissue.
Smells of food on busy streets summon hungry men to eat.
La joie de vie is not the issue.
Happiness is not the issue!

A blanket of dust and grime, abandonment of place and time,
ignored by all that she has to embrace her in the darkness.
The marketplace that cut her free is hidden so you cannot see
humanity replaced by all this starkness.
Humanity races past us!

From above and below me this cancer outgrows me -
the warmth and the throb of the engine of life.
I smell people drowning in crumbling surroundings
but it makes me believe I’m alive.
I’m alive!

[This was written about Taipei. Some might recognize some of the images.]

Sorry to start on a bum note, Dave, but you can do better than this -

"La joie de vie is not the issue.
Happiness is not the issue! "

"There's nowt clever about a word rhyming with itself, lad," as folk around these parts would tell you. Was it intended?

Some of the rhyme seems a bit forced, but you're used to writing songs aren't you? I think you can get away with a lot more in songs because the melody can carry the listener (where all you're left with if a line falls a bit flat in a poem is.............the tumbleweed) Hope you're taking this in good part, Dave.

I liked this -

" tracks of their feet
paved over like arteries hardened with time"

but think I would've left out "paved over" - Was there a reason for the "paved over"? I get the impression of pavements from the other words. Feeling shittily picky now!


Like this too -

"lost in the pomp of their colonial womb. "

and this -

"the warmth and the throb of the engine of life.
I smell people drowning in crumbling surroundings
but it makes me believe I’m alive."

Like your work in general too.
Cheers.
Mick.
[/i]

Gidday mate

Point well taken. It is a song which means the rhyming is sometimes very forced (city - pity).

I guess the idea I was using for the last line of each verse doesn't really work as poetry but in each case it is just a throwaway line to complete rhythme. It wasn't always intended to rhyme but seeing most of them do, perhaps I can work a little harder on it so that it stands alone a bit better.

Don't worry about negative feedback, I have hidden the razor blades. Appreciated in fact.

Cheers
Dave

Gidday, mate

I can see how this would work as a rock song, but I have to agree
with Mick, especially about the rhyming.
"Starkness/past us"
would be great in a light hearted poem, but not here (IMHO)

In general I feel the rhyme is controlling you, rather than the other
way round e.g
cancer...below/outgrows
If you were writing free(r) verse you would choose a better word
than "outgrows", I'm sure.

I would consider dropping the fifth line of each verse, and dropping in and
out of rhyme (or ignoring it altogether) as you see fit.

You obviously have some vivid impressions of Taipei to communicate, but
at the moment you are trying to do it with both hands tied behind your back.

Pommie Git

I was about to post, rhythmically it read like a song, then i read the other posts on this thread and errr I love the tempo of it, and the movement and pace. Some of the rhymes are wonderful:

The boom and the bust, the chaos and rust,


It is great and would love to hear it sung and played.


Good one!!!!

Is Taipei in New Zealand? That explains:

Lost in their colonial doom!

I did wonder

Liking your work Dave xxx

i liked the topic
and the rhyming

(Smells of food on busy streets summon hungry men to eat. )


keep it up

hey man, I love the structure and use of ryhme almost throughout, but there are one or two lines which stuck out to me as awkward;

"steam rising out of festering greets me.
The festering meets me! "
and
"Highways through metastases exacerbating its disease"
(just seems a bit much to handle on one line)
"concrete and tarmac merging into living tissue."
- I loved this
overall though I think its a great piece of work.

Thanks

It is a song I wrote and perform. The line you found difficult only works with the stress being on "rising". Works quite well but point taken. Strangely, the "Highway through metastases..." goes OK at 200 beats per minute. Being a biology teacher, I had to bring some education to the masses.

Thanks for the positives.
Dave

I think everything has been said bar concerning the first line of the second stanza....

the ''hiss'' of the streets and the tracks of their feet.....hiss is a sound, onomatapia...maybe change tracks to ''tramps'' as its also a sound and would improve consistancy.

Then again the second line in the 2nd stanza starts with ''paved over'' you cant pave over a sound.

So maybe keep tracks and change hiss.....but to what? the dust on the streets?

Stevie