Poetry Forum

Hi Minim

Two ways forward strike me for this one.

The first would be to pare it back, e.g. take out 'somehow' in the first line, 'over the years' in the second, 'any deliberate' in the third, 'simply' in the fourth. You're addressing some serious things about the way someone lives their life; excess words dampen the power of it.

Some also works against the meaning - spending years appeasing is far from simple!

The other approach would be to go for the 'show not tell'. You've got me curious, I want to know about this person - what 'made them aware'? In what ways have they been 'fractured and distorted'? What could be the cost of being assertive?

It's difficult to write about, but keep at it.

At what point do you realise that you have lost sight

Of the who you ought to be, and that over the years

You have been fractured and distorted, not by any deliberate intent,

But by the need to appease.

And when do you decide to reassert yourself, and reclaim lost visions?

At what dreadful but necessary cost can such a thing be achieved?

Because once made aware, it is impossible to return into darkness,

You might as well be dead.

Thank you for the suggestions Globus. I took out all the words and phrases you mentioned, but it then didn't say what I wanted it to, so had to add two back in.

I understand what you mean, but 'over the years' was needed as it isn't something that happens overnight, but creeps up on your unawares. The intent was not deliberate, but accidental, so again i felt i had to put this word back in.

I am not sure if the lines scan in the same way now though, hmmm. Any other suggestions would be gratefully received.



xxx C

Hi minim,

I think it depends what you want from it really; it's your work!

I'd say that 'over the years' is a too well used; there's other ways of conveying time that could tell us more about the person in the poem. Also, intent is, by definition, deliberate and not accidental.

If it was my poem, I reckon I'd like someone to tell me to go and write half a dozen poems about this one - individual pieces that tell the story of this person based on details and experiences rather than the big themes and abstractions used here.

I see what you mean Globus. Hmmm I am going to have to think about this one.

I will get back to you

Ok, here goes.


At what point do you realise that you have lost sight

Of the who you ought to be,

And that you have been fractured and distorted,

Not intentionally,

But by a weary need to appease.

And when do you decide to reassert yourself,

To reclaim lost visions?

At what dreadful but necessary cost

Can such a thing be achieved?

Because once made aware,

It is impossible to return into darkness,

You might as well be dead.

Minim

I'm with Globus on the individual poems point. Also, though there's nothing wrong woth your poem, it tends to tell rather than show (eg. -

"need to appease." and "reassert yourself,")

You could have created pictures that infered this.

I enjoyed th "non-structured" rhyme in -

"Of the who you ought to be,

And that you have been fractured and distorted,

Not intentionally," - musical.

Nice one.

Mick.

Thanks Mick!

I think I understand what you and Globus mean about show not tell.

I have written other poems which expand on this, but I will need to review them I think in line of comments and suggestions I have been picking up from the site generally. I am a little in awe of some of the people who post here, and when I write something I don't think along the lines you all seem to. It is a little daunting, but I want to improve my writing skills, so what better way can there be.


*gets her water wings out and jumps into the deep end*