Poetry Forum

[email me for a copy if you want to hear something a little different.]

Just a flash of red from the night she came;
there was no intent - just an accident!
Two innocent souls on a collision highway:
I was the victor; she was the victim.

First the crunch as she surrendered to metal,
rolling beneath me - struggling for breath,
the snapping of bone and the dragging of flesh,
the inadequacy of fur on the asphalt.

And I’m sitting here feeling quite sick.
I don’t think I can stop long enough to look.
And the radio offers me such little protection.

This is no ordinary roadkill.
It has torn out a piece of my soul.
I can still feel the pain of those final few moments
when she gave up her breath and resigned from the game,
and added one more to the toll.

*****

Just a flash of red from the night she came;
there was no intent - just an accident!
Two innocent souls on a collision highway:
I was the victor; she was the victim.

First the scream as she surrendered to metal,
rolling beneath me - struggling for breath,
the snapping of bone and the stripping of flesh....
I know that I loved her and I hope she loved me too.
The passion we felt is addictive.

And I’m sitting here feeling quite sick.
I don’t think I can stop long enough to look.
And the radio offers me such little protection.

This is no ordinary roadkill.
Amputate the good part of my soul.
I can still feel the pain of those final few moments
when she gave up her life and resigned from the game,
and added one more to the toll.

Hi Dave!

This intrigues me. The slight changes to the second part throw a different complexion on the first, which at first seems straight forward.

At first I wondered if it were a loved pet that had been sadly run over, but the line The passion we felt is addictive. implies something else. Is the change in tense deliberate?

I will come back to this, and read it again.


xxx C

Thanks mate

I'm expecting to get caned for this one but hopefully people read it with the same reflection you are.

I was thinking of supplying an explanation as part of it (as I do when I sing it) but decided to leave it. Interested to see what other feedback it gets.

Clue: subtle changes in words - big difference in meaning.

Cheers
Dave

Dave

I read "the inadequacy of fur on the asphalt." and "and added one more to the toll." to mean that your roadkill was human. I can still remember the road safety adverts (from about 1970) on TV in Victoria that said "Declare war on 1064"; 1064 being the number of people killed on the road the previous year.

Does "stripping of flesh.... " offer us an alternative slant in the 2nd?

Liked -

"Amputate the good part of my soul.
I can still feel the pain of those final few moments"

Mick.

hey

really liked this,

'as she surrendered to metal' is a really nice line, how fragile lving creatures are

"Amputate the good part of my soul' striking image

thanks for posting

benjy

Gidday Mick

It's a bit sicker than that. Fur on the asphalt was a kangaroo that gave itself no chance. So the first half is pretty straight.

The second is human as you sort of guessed but the victim is a chance find by a serial killer - looking at it from his mind. I was driving along singing the first bit and realised that by fiddling with the words slightly I could change the scenario quite dramatically.

Thanks for giving it a go

Cheers
Dave

Hi Dave Hoping that your well?

Well this poem is sad and scary. I also found it illusive in that you don't say if the "she" is human or animal? I like that leave the reader guessing.
Nice one
Keep it up
Looking out for your next post
Karen

Hey

I really liked this poem, 'twas a bit visual; but isnt that what people want in poems?

First the crunch as she surrendered to metal,
rolling beneath me - struggling for breath,
the snapping of bone and the dragging of flesh,
the inadequacy of fur on the asphalt.

-- Waaaaayyyyyy Grody! But still deserves a 10!

I quite like this. Did you really hit a kangaroo?

Gidday

Just a flash of red from the night she came

This is pretty common in rural Australia. A mate of mine stops to see if they are warm. If so, he throws them in the back of the Landrover and takes them home to the freezer.

I was pretty lucky it didn't do any real damage. It is common for them to damage the radiator - that is why most rural vehicles have bull bars. The one I hit went straight under the car.

The usual thing is to stop and check for joeys in the pouch if it is female. In this case I didn't because it just made me feel really sick and I have felt guilty about it occasionally ever since.

It is a graphic lyric - but then again it was a graphic experience. When I was living out west, it would not have had such a big impact.

Cheers
Dave

really enjoyed reading this, it really got me thinking, i felt sorry for the victim as well as the victor.
brilliant! i love to write poems and hope that i will be able to create something as good as this

well done!

emmie

Gidday

You flatter me - I love it! But back to reality.

You will probably write much better than this piece. You are just starting and it is obvious from your poems that you enjoy it. Keep writing and don't get worried about criticism, it is usually there to help you develop better as a writer. Reviewing and responding to other writers is a great way to improve to, because it makes you try to understand new ways of expressing ideas.

About your response.... I try to write from the perspective of somebody in the story. If it's a murder (as in the second part of this poem/song) I often try to get inside their head to try to understand what has gone wrong with their wiring. It seems a more original technique than just condemning their actions outright. Your feeling sorry for the protagonist makes me feel as though my idea worked. Thanks for a really nice words.

Cheers
Dave