Sound awake

[minim]

Some sleep sounder when awake,

You should have realised it was all a mistake.

Vacant and dreamlike they move through life,

Sticking their hopes with honey to the edge of a knife.

Deserters from life refusing to answer the phone,

Writing numbing letters to those dead and gone.

You can’t shake them awake, though god knows you’ve tried,

Tell them what they do, and they say that you’ve lied.

Silent screams into the vacuum of an apathetic world,

As into the void your feelings are desperately and violently hurled (unfurled).

Facing upwards, sinking backwards, jumping in head first.

Frightened of the light, terrified to look, controlling the abject thirst.

Glazed looks disconcerting from those on the make

Some do sleep sounder when awake.

[Jester]

Really good subject idea minim. Sorry but I have to say I found the rhyme a bit forced, and feel that, in most cases, rhyme must have a reasonable meter to go with it, otherwise the effect is lost. I'd try a rewrite in free verse. On the positive side, this line is a cracker -

"Silent screams into the vacuum of an apathetic world"

I'd have been patting my own back for that one - jealous

Mick.

[minim]

Really good subject idea minim. Sorry but I have to say I found the rhyme a bit forced, and feel that, in most cases, rhyme must have a reasonable meter to go with it, otherwise the effect is lost. I'd try a rewrite in free verse. On the positive side, this line is a cracker -

"Silent screams into the vacuum of an apathetic world"

I'd have been patting my own back for that one - jealous

Mick.

Thanks Mick. I think it sounds a bit forced to, I suppose it was a bit of an experiment, but not sure it worked terribly well, but I put it out there to see what comments I got. I wasnt' sure where to take it. I am happy with a few of the ideas/lines, but I think I just need to work them around a bit more and not try so hard with it.

Thank you again Mick - I will go back to the drawing board

[RobertFlorey]

Some sleep sounder when awake,

You should have realised it was all a mistake.

[I object to 'you'. If I am not awake, then I am not likely
to be persuaded by this poem. When you say, 'you' when
you mean 'one' or 'they' the message is being misdirected,
and more, it's a personal insult. That's my take on it,
anyway, and some others will react in the same way.
Also, it does not take into account the human condition.
Many people do dream, we all live in a partially delusional
world and we all live in a world which is actually a mental
synthesis, a construction, made by our brains, from sensory
data and imagination. Yet, you do say "some" not all.
Some does not match with an arbitrary "you."]

Vacant and dreamlike they move through life,
[But are they vacant? Is there nothing in their minds
or is it that they are not facing up to real problems
and solving them? Are they, in a word, delusional?"


Sticking their hopes with honey to the edge of a knife.

[Very appropos, a beautiful line. My thought is that this
would both work artistically with the first line, and would
confer all of the information you have so far just as well
as in the whole of the poem so far:

Some sleep sounder when awake,
Sticking their hopes with honey to the edge of a knife.
Of course, it doesn't rhyme. Somedifferent words at the first line
could fix that.

Some sleep sounder when awaked in life,
Sticking hopes with honey to the edge of a knife.]


Deserters from life refusing to answer the phone,

Writing numbing letters to those dead and gone.

You can’t shake them awake, though god knows you’ve tried,

Tell them what they do, and they say that you’ve lied.

Silent screams into the vacuum of an apathetic world,

As into the void your feelings are desperately and violently hurled (unfurled).

[Again there is a reversion to "you." Who is this mysterious
you who is both sleepwalker and waker-uper? Do they say,
to a person, that whomever you is has lied? Do they never
accept it on the surface and then forget it a moment later?
Do they never think you are mistaken? Who is jumping to
conclusions now? Do these other 'yous' really get violent
if one tries to inform them of something to be aware of?

If it were me, I'd try re-writing without the 'yous'. But of
course, it's not my poem, or my thoughts.]

Facing upwards, sinking backwards, jumping in head first.

Frightened of the light, terrified to look, controlling the abject thirst.

Glazed looks disconcerting from those on the make

Some do sleep sounder when awake.

[I think you really have something better here: it is the recognition
that the people of whom you speak are afraid. "Abject thirst"
I question. It depends on what the object of the thirst is.
If you are saying that they are suppressing their natural thirst
for knowledge, then why use a word which means contemptible,
wretched, miserable when the thirst for knowledge should
be something honorable and noble?]

[minim]

Hi Robert.

I actually wrote the poem in the first person

I should have realised it was all a mistake

and

I can't shake them awake, though god knows i've tried


but i read some of the information on this site about writing poetry and it said you shouldn't use the first person as it alienates the reader, so I tried to re-write using 'you' instead. Erm.... I have to say I wasn't happy with it at all, but I was experimenting anyway, so why not go the whole hog!!!

So it originally read like this:

Some sleep sounder when awake,
I should have realised it was all a mistake.
Vacant and dreamlike they move through life,
Sticking their hopes with honey to the edge of a knife.
Deserters from life refusing to answer the phone,
Writing numbing letters to those dead and gone.
I can’t shake them awake, though god knows I’ve tried,
Tell them what they do, and they say that I’ve lied.
Silent screams into the vacuum of an apathetic world,
As into the void my feelings are desperately and violently hurled (unfurled).
Facing upwards, sinking backwards, jumping in head first.
Frightened of the light, terrified to look, controlling the abject thirst.
Glazed looks disconcerting from those on the make
Some do sleep sounder when awake.

It does need some work on it I realise, but both your comments and Mick's have helped me a great deal. It was one of my poems that I really didn't want to consign to the bin, I just needed a bit of help I think.

Thanks guys xxxx mwah

[Jester]

Don't put ANYTHING in the bin, Min. Keep it in box files. I can't tell you how much I regret binning some of my old writing. You can use some of the subject matter again as your skills develop and, even if you never use any of it again, it's there as a reference to check out how your writing is improving.

Mick.

[barrie]

Good advice from Mick - I destroyed reams of stuff which I now regret doing. Bin it by all means, but keep the bin and its contents in a safe place.

Dante Gabriel Rossetti buried all his unpublished poems in his wife's grave - He later dug them up and published them - A little extreme, but - '"C'est la vie" said the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell.'

cheers

Barrie

[minim]

Thanks for the advice you two xxxx


*takes crumpled wads of paper out of the bin and tries to smooth them out*

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

Came late to this one.

I found I wanted to throw the second line out completely and then I noticed rhyming couplets driving it. I guess there are other lines in there that are unnecessary too. How important was the rhyming to the piece? I think it better in the first person as well.

I liked:

Sticking their hopes with honey to the edge of a knife

Silent screams into the vacuum of an apathetic world

This one I couldn't visualise:

Facing upwards, sinking backwards, jumping in head first

Keep it, some really nice ideas here

Cheers
Dave

[Shepherdess]

Hi Minim
I like it ( not like the others) keep writting and no don't bin anything
Karen

[minim]

Gidday

Came late to this one.

I found I wanted to throw the second line out completely and then I noticed rhyming couplets driving it. I guess there are other lines in there that are unnecessary too. How important was the rhyming to the piece? I think it better in the first person as well.

I liked:

Sticking their hopes with honey to the edge of a knife

Silent screams into the vacuum of an apathetic world

This one I couldn't visualise:

Facing upwards, sinking backwards, jumping in head first

Keep it, some really nice ideas here

Cheers
Dave

Hi Dave,

The rhyming was an accident as it wrote itself that way, it was written in frustration and from that arrrrggggghhhh feeling you get with people sometimes! The facing upwards.... bit was that chaotic point where all coherent thought is abandoned.

I am trying to rework it without the rhymes, or to adjust those lines that don't work so well.

I really appreciate all the comments on this one, thank you all so much.

[thoke]

I quite like the rhyming in this... I think changing it to free verse might actually make it worse. The internal rhyme, "shake them awake" sounds good too. But some of the later lines seem too long. Especially, "As into the void your feelings are desperately and violently hurled (unfurled)." So if I were you I'd keep the rhyming scheme, but shorten some of those lines.

I also had trouble visualising "Facing upwards, sinking backwards, jumping in head first."

But I loved the line, "Sticking their hopes with honey to the edge of a knife." I don't think I quite know what it means, but it sounds great. And, "Silent screams into the vacuum of an apathetic world," is a brilliant line too.