Spent Love

[Robert]

Spent Love

The question was not
where or when to kiss

not anymore

But rather who would
pay the restaurant bill

[Jester]

Dunno Robert. Do people still go for meals together when they've reached that stage in a relationship? Maybe they do. I know I've never wanted to. I enjoyed it for its simplicity - you seem to be able to condense ideas well.

Mick

[Robert]

Cheers Mick - too kind.

The answer, yes. I showed it in draft form to a woman who goes to a local charity shop. She stared at me and said: 'That's where we're at!' Oops!

[barrie]

I know a few couples who fit the bill. A lot said in five lines - A very apt title as well.

nice one

Barrie

[Shepherdess]

Well as a poem it is short and to the point

but as a comment on relationships today well GO KISS YOUR LOVE
and sod the bill

Karen

[Asphodel]

And who first said love was free? It was a very, very quick read, but brought up a possible point of conflict for some couples, which did intrigue me.

[Saul]

/

[twoleftfeet]

Robert,

I like the idea, but that's all it is at present.

IMHO you either have to build it up - e.g how is the situation resolved? - or else sharpen it up - "bill"/"bill and coo" spring to mind.

Geoff

[lemur]

Hi Robert,

I agree with twoleftfeet. I think if you're going to go for very short poems/lines, there has to be a strong poetic technique/imagery behind them.

Maybe you could try setting the scene a bit more, expanding it out and develop the story.

[Macavity]

I think it has snap, gets the reader reflecting and relating.

mac

[kozmikdave]

Surely at this point in a relationship, the woman (assuming a bog-standard hetero relationship) determines both. Of course, that assumption can no longer be made. My wife just slips me the money under the table because she always decides to eat out when I'm penniless. I'm sure she does it to me on purpose.

For what it's worth, I really liked this for its simplicity and pointedness.

Cheers
Dave

[Jaerlost]

It seems to me that a shorter poem should be very, um how do I say this, packed with meaning. I guess what I'm trying to say is that every word itself should bring an entire book's worth of thoughts to mind when it is read, and the interplay between the words should likewise have vast undertones. Maybe I'm wrong in this though.
I like it, but it seems simplistic. Maybe that was what you were going for.
I liked the second line a lot, the way it flows.

[CRM]

Robert hae you written this on the back of a recent trip to the restaurant with someone?

Short and to the point!

[Robert]

CRM. No, but I've seen it many times

I like people watching. The middle aged man with a young woman wearing designer clothes. The elderly couples who snarl at each under under whispered breaths - 'You've got food dripping down your face!'. The animated young couples who order the most expensive wine then revert back to pints of lager when sloshed.
The waiters who hover like moths eyeing up each couple with five pound note eyes. And so on...

Jaerlost. I hear what you are saying and you make me think of T.E.Hulme's poems. Maybe every word should count, if that's possible, but then maybe it's about the sum total of the words delivering a specific image.

It's made me think.

Take Care