Poetry Forum

Samite Smoke Snakes
From the tops of chimneys
Coiling billows
Smouldering chain

If you could step into my brain
Would the pain kill me?
Could I ever stay sane
Serpentine maddening glee

Grey smoke rises
Grey smoke curls
Tenants coughing to breathe
Occupants squinting to see

If I could see through your eyes
And hear what you hear
Then maybe I could stop-

Samite Smoke Snakes
Manic madness makes
Spitting coals from the lips
Fire thowing throat
And down falls all the ashes

Hi,

Welcome to the Forum.
Please read the rules - you cannot expect in all fairness to receive
critiques if you do not give them.
Go on, cast your bread upon the waters even if it makes your
sandwiches soggy.....

Geoff

Sorry, I missed that. Thanks!
I'm not very experienced with poetry, but I'll try...

Jaerlost

Hi and welcome. I'm afraid you've lost me here. I read the burning of Mother Nature into it, and the consequences on humans, but I'm probably way off what you had in mind. A bit too cryptic for me, but some of the guys (and girls) on here are really good at picking up on the meaning behind the words, so stick around. Incidentally, I Googled "city of water" and nothing leapt out as to your location. Are you the Man from Atlantis?

Mick

I must admit I'm not keying into this either.

mac

Nice use of words. being ineperienced i wonder if its simply because of that fact that i am not really getting much from this poem. I'm not even sure i get the meaning of the whole thing and what it is trying to depict

Sorry

Jester wrote:Jaerlost

Hi and welcome. I'm afraid you've lost me here. I read the burning of Mother Nature into it, and the consequences on humans, but I'm probably way off what you had in mind. A bit too cryptic for me, but some of the guys (and girls) on here are really good at picking up on the meaning behind the words, so stick around. Incidentally, I Googled "city of water" and nothing leapt out as to your location. Are you the Man from Atlantis?

Mick

No, heh. "minne" was a Dakota word meaning "water". Thus Minneapolis means litterally "Water City".
I honestly don't know exactly what this poem is about, perhapse a cigarette, or a burning building, or a fire-breathing worm, I like the burning of Mother Nature! I suppose it's simply about watching smoke. Or pyromania.

I've just had a flashback to Hiawatha. Minnehaha = running water?

Is that true?

Thanks Jaerlost. Think I've learned more on this site than I learned at school

wrt Minniapolis
Very interesting.

I just googled "Minnehaha":
The American Heritage dictionary says:

Another popular etymology of a similar-sounding Indian name has Minnehaha meaning “laughing waters.” It doesn't; it means “waterfalls"

Similarly - Minniconjou (Sioux tribe) - Those who Plant by the Stream

Sorry to hijack your thread Jaer, but I am interested in etymology.

Geoff

I honestly don't know exactly what this poem is about, perhapse a cigarette, or a burning building, or a fire-breathing worm, I like the burning of Mother Nature! I suppose it's simply about watching smoke. Or pyromania.

Not a criticism of your poem J. or your approach, but your comment just made me wonder if a poem should make sense (ie communicate meaning).

mac

hmm... interesting concept. personally i think no, mainly because i have no idea what the hell im writing about until th next morning ... my english literature course teaches that anything can be intepreted in anyway acording to the reader positioning. (although this theory does not seem to be aplied when making papers... strange that). Most logical poeple demand a meaning to a poem if they are writing one and if they read one they find their own. This means that a poet has to include specific refrences but with a vague purpose if they don't know what they really are talking about. Most poeple believe that poetry is used like most literature to convay meaning however the meaning is up to the reader to decide (acording to my learning), which means that the meaning that the poet is trying to put across is not apreciated and the audience creates their own meaning. so honestly, i have no idea.

I definitely like the first stanza. A nice, vivid description of smoke coming from a chimney. And I like how you begin with the image of a chimney and end with the image of somebody smoking (I think?), as if you're comparing the two. I'm not sure what it's supposed to mean, if anything, but it sounds good.

The rhythm of the first stanza seems to work well... maybe the poem would improve if you kept the same metre for every stanza? That is, a line of 4 syllables, then 6, then 4, then 4.

Not sure about the 2nd and 4th stanzas. They're maybe a bit too cryptic, as other people have said, and they seem out of place since they don't have any of the smoke imagery that's present in the rest of the poem.

Overall, I think it's pretty good, and maybe worth trying to improve?