Page 1 of 1
How dare they?!
Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 6:11 pm
by CRM
Eyes like molten lead
My heart a sinking vessel
on the ocean of tears
My protector, my listener
Why so sudden?
Ripped away from me
Wind carries your scent to heaven
Glass shards of feeling on the floor
Stepped on and crushed
How dare they?!
Just a few words chucked together at the moment
Posted: Sat Oct 28, 2006 11:25 am
by Jester
Craig
"Ocean of tears" - 1,140 results on Google
"shards of glass" - 211,000 results
I like the remainder, but some good poems are spoiled by using cliched expressions. I'd try to rewrite this without those terms, trying to replace them with something more original.
Cheers.
Mick.
Posted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 5:52 pm
by tallhat
Hi CRM,
I aggree with jester - I almost stopped after reading "ocean of tears" - being a cliche makes it seem insincere. Getting past that I am moved by it. I have a strong sense of restraint and dignity amid greif. I like the way the passion of "How Dare they" seems real yet feels quite controlled by the poems meter and form.
On the first line I guess the eyes are yours and I get heavy, unalive, hot, etc. but I am not quite sure about molten - it would run out of your eye sockets surely.
Posted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 11:01 am
by CRM
Thanks guys.
quick re-write
My eyes molten lead
My heart shackled in chains of tears
Passing days,the only key to free me
My protector, my listener
Why so sudden?
Ripped away from me
You crash into heaven leaving me chained
Glass shards of feeling on the floor
Stepped on and crushed
How dare they?!
How dare they...
Posted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 9:06 pm
by benjywenjy
this poem is telling me your emotions rather than anturally drawing them out of the piece.
try to avoid cliches and talking about yourself overtly, although it may be therapeutic it doesn't make for the best reads. but keep working on it.
benjy
Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 2:21 am
by kozmikdave
Gidday
This is very good and the heart of it for me
Why so sudden?
Ripped away from me
You crash into heaven ...
Not too keen on the
leaving me chained (struggled with that image)
but why not leave
shards of out completely, and concentrate on
Glass... feelings on the floor
Stepped on and crushed
End line works for me.
How dare they?!
It is essentially a really good poem - I like where it is going.
Cheers
Dave