Power Cut

[Ryder]

The walls crawl
A primitive cinema of shadows
Our Caravaggio faces
Upturned
Plead in silence
Read every flicker
Of your candle-lit tale

The television, superfluous,
Stale in the corner
Flat and not dividing
Outside this circle
This camp-fire embrace
Where you rise
Show yourself

Mam clatters in the kitchen
Performs in a flame
Tales of the unexpected
Part of the game
To keep things normal
Buttering bread
Spreading jam

How long will it last
This power down, this pause,
Where somewhere men
Work frantically in the dark
To restore our
Stark seperation
At the flick of a switch.

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

This works with me on two levels: the description of the candlelight and family life in the blackout; and the insight into the separation caused by gadgets such as TV.

Your description took me way back to pre-TV days (yes I'm that old.) We used to sit around and talk and play cards and listen to the radio, but it didn't demand such attention as TV.

I liked most of this. (Not sure why you chose not to punctuate it though.)

The walls crawl
A primitive cinema of shadows
Our Caravaggio faces

This camp-fire embrace
Where you rise
Show yourself


Work frantically in the dark
To restore our
Stark seperation

All good.

Mam clatters in the kitchen - not sure of "Mam" but it's probably what you call her. I've had similar criticism in one of my poems.

At the flick of a switch. - not sure this line adds anything - I'd be tempted to drop it. The idea is inherent in the poem already.

Good read
Dave

[twoleftfeet]

Hats off, David

I can't see anything to moan about except possibly
As somewhere might be better than Where somewhere
and you need a ? to finish.

At the flick of a switch works for me, despite being a cliche, although I couldn't tell you why.

You might consider "Disconnected" as an alternative title - just a suggestion.

Geoff
btw "works frantically" has to be wishful thinking on your part

[Robert]

I enjoyed reading it very much - good imagery. For me the only let down was "Our Caravaggio faces". Somehow it doesn't seem to ring true with the other words: 'mam clatters', 'buttering bread, jam' etc. Maybe something a bit more earthy.

[barrie]

Mam clatters in the kitchen - not sure of "Mam" but it's probably what you call her. I've had similar criticism in one of my poems.

Yes, I remember that - it was me. I don't think it works here either.

'Mam clatters in the kitchen
Performs in a flame
Tales of the unexpected' - Do you really need to say who's in the kitchen? Maybe -

'A clattering in the kitchen
Performance in a flame
Tales of the unexpected,'

I agree with Geoff about 'work frantically' - Also, about them working in the dark - they don't.

Suggestion -

'Where men work
for double-time
to restore....'

Why the use of caps to begin each line, and the lack of punctuation? It detracts from an otherwise good poem.

Apart from that, nice one

Barrie

[David]

Hats off, David - blimey, you're not David too, are you? There's a plethora of Dave's on this site. Clearly our parents were in touch with the Zeitgeist.

I think this is excellent. "Our Caravaggio faces", pace Robert, is a vivid image.

Call her mam, if you called her mam. That's my rule.

Good work.

David!

[Ryder]

Dave(Australian Dave)

Absolutely like your italic breakdown. A poem in itself.

Isle of Man Dave...mam...a rose by any other name.

Geoff. 'work frantically' ......in my nine year old head they did. Will change where somewhere

Barrie/Robert cheers.

David.








[/i]