Manicman

[greybald]

All is calm and peaceful,
I wait, he lingers,
I walk from room to room,
Unsettled i get out the duster,
I begin to clean with speed,
Aware he waits to come,
Ever reaching grasp of unseen powerful fingers,
My mind begins to race,
Nervous apprehension,
I stomp with speed and dust my way,
Slam without thought every door,
From kitchen to lounge to bedroom and bathroom,
In and out up and down back and forth,
Manic manifestation,
Here he comes.

[spencer_broughton]

All is calm and peaceful,
I wait, he lingers,
I walk from room to room,
Unsettled i get out the duster,
I begin to clean with speed,
Aware he waits to come,
Ever reaching grasp of unseen powerful fingers,
My mind begins to race,
Nervous apprehension,
I stomp with speed and dust my way,
Slam without thought every door,
From kitchen to lounge to bedroom and bathroom,
In and out up and down back and forth,
Manic manifestation,
Here he comes.

I like it but I think it needs a bit of structuring. Some full stops instead of constant commas etc.

Maybe something a bit like this:

All is calm and peaceful,
I wait while he lingers.

I walk from room to room,
Unsettled i get out the duster.

I begin to clean with speed,
Aware he waits to come.

Ever reaching grasp of unseen powerful fingers,
My mind begins to race;

Nervous apprehension,
I stomp with speed and dust my way,
Slam without thought every door,

From kitchen to lounge to bedroom and bathroom,
In and out up and down back and forth.
Manic manifestation,

Here he comes.

I used the longer stanzas at the end to try and build up a bit of tension. But anyway it's only a suggestion!

Good work.

[greybald]

thanks for the reply. My english isnt too good gramatically, i just enjoy writing verse... But live and learn as they say.. will take your advice on board...

cheers m'dears

[adour]

Wouldn't it be better to put a full stop after -unsettled? Like this:
"I walk from room to room,
Unsettled. I get out the duster,
I begin to clean with speed."
Cheers,
Adour.

[juliadebeauvoir]

Hi there,

Although your contribution is appreciated-- please take a minute to go over the rules for posting. The requirement is to review at least two poems for every one you post.
This is a community we are building so we expect all members to help each other out with critiques and encouragement.

Thanks and Welcome,
Kimberly

[greybald]

sorry moderator am just a bit uncertain about my comments on others poetry as most of the members seem to have a good knowledge of the mechanics and workings of poetry which i do not....

however i will do as requested

[spencer_broughton]

Nah, just go for it. Even just to praise something it's worthwhile. Some people give a really detailed break down and do know the mechanics and so on but some of us just give the odd opinion.

Not that I'm saying this so you'll review mine.....

[juliadebeauvoir]

No problem greybald,
I felt pretty intimidated too when I first joined. Everyone seemed so knowledgeable and witty! Just like spencer said, sometimes people just want to know if you thought it was worthwhile.
Please feel free to contact me or one of the mods if you have any questions. And again, we are pleased to have you here.

Cheers,
Kimberly

[heinrich]

i think the second structure work the best!

[Yesterday]

I have been here for ages... don't be worried, i have no idea how i poem works, i just like to write and read... i think i was just 13 or something then... anyhow... i have learnt much from everyone. No one will rip you poem to shreds or your opinions, unless you tell them to.