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my room
Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2007 11:37 pm
by heinrich
to make my bed
is like a dream
i don't know why
it is like pumpkin pie
one time a week
is ok i think
mom said it is enough
for the floor to have stuff
i try to keep tidy
my clothes and books
mom is coming now
to take a looks
Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 8:25 am
by kozmikdave
Ah
The English in this one is much more readable than your cat poem and also shows a good sense of humour. Yep, I liked it.
Only quibble was the final "s" in "looks" - make it "look". Only once a week - your mum is very tolerant.
Cheers
Dave
Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 10:17 pm
by heinrich
books does not rhyme with look!
Posted: Tue Jan 30, 2007 7:54 am
by kozmikdave
books does not rhyme with look!
true - but "looks" makes no sense. It is an imperfect rhyme but it works because the "s" in "books" is not too dominant. Don't get too driven by rhyme.
Cheers
Dave
Posted: Tue Jan 30, 2007 10:33 am
by dedalus
mom is coming now
to take a looks
why not change to
mom is coming now
to see how it looks
same meaning, plus the grammar is OK!
Posted: Wed Feb 07, 2007 1:58 pm
by (my) boastful! murmur?
maybe swap books or looks...
...but i like...its a sweet one...
i can just imagine u scribbling it down with the sound of your mothers foot steps coming up the stairs.