Poetry Forum

Find Peace

Sister gone,
Brother flown
no talk, no listen
Last night, I dreamt
that you and I were
laughing like little
children. Sleeping to
the bone. Temporary
death, circling breath
thorn of crown on
that Christmas rosary
Find grace, find small
The drugs are safe
in the corner closet
down the hall
Shirt, jacket, pants
strewn over the
lonely chair
The careless control,
the racket of old
holidays, not of gold,
speaking loudly
Piercing the soul
but hope still lingers
tiptoeing here and there.

hi Hiedi,
I really liked the images of 'sleeping to the bone'

and was interested in the lines
'thorn of crown on
that Christmas rosary '
was not entirely sure of why you used teh referance.... never heard of Christ's thorn of crown being refered to as a rosary... but perhaps that is because i am not catholic...

'Find grace, find small
The drugs are safe'
do you mean find small/ drugs are safe ?

also liked
' the racket of old
holidays, not of gold,'
i liked the imagery of 'racket of old holidays, as if they are clamouring to be remembered by the objects in the cupboard. 'not of gold' is not essential i found, it added nothing to the poem...

'but hope still lingers
tiptoeing here and there.'
I liked the image of hope tiptoeing... very interesting...

great work... i enjoyed the poem, although i do think you have added many images that could be removed to make a more compact poem... but the, i do prefer shorter, more specific poems... its just my way

great work... look forward to hearing more...

Gidday Heidi

Welcome. Good first post.

I have one suggestion that would help me read it. That is to finish punctuating it. You have commas and caps but there are places where stops might be included to help the reader.

Had trouble with the thorn of crowns reference. I think it is a clever reversal of a cliche but I didn't really get it.

The rhyming was very effective for me - both end of line and internal.

I look forward to reading more of your poems.

Cheers
Dave

Hi Yesterday...

I appreciate your critique. In answer to you writing about the "thorn of crown" reference. It was just a reversal or playing with words from the phrase: "crown of thorns". The image of the rosary is a reference to my mother. She is quite the diehard/almost fanatical Catholic.

You also wrote: Find grace, find small
The drugs are safe'
do you mean find small/ drugs are safe ?


It was meant to be that way..."find grace, find small". In a way it means to find peace or grace in the small moments of life; and we are so small in the scheme of things. It is meant to be a little abstract also. The drug reference is a symbolic reference to me, concerning my father and a very close friend.

Thanks again for your critique.

heidi

Hi Dave...

Thank you for your insight. Hopefully my post to Yesterday answers your question. I'm glad that you liked the poem. As far as my punctuation is concerned I am quite loose with it. However if you have specific suggestions let me know. Thanks for your time and cheers to you!

heidi

very nice!

Sleeping to
the bone.

Shirt, jacket, pants
strewn over the
lonely chair

i totaly love the lonely chair image