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somthing in my head
Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 6:54 pm
by starlight
There's something in my head,
I want to go to bed.
Mind is full of hate,
Just cant wait!
Never left alone,
Just want to go home.
Theres somthing in my head,
I want to go to bed.
Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 11:52 pm
by kozmikdave
Gidday
An interesting idea that I quite liked.
The lines that jolted me, though, were
"Making me shake,
Swimming in the lake. "
Even if you swapped them around they would sound a little more natural, but they seemed to be in there for the rhyme - hey it's early and I am probably missing something really important.
Not a lot to do to it to make it work for me.
Cheers
Dave
Posted: Sun Feb 04, 2007 10:40 am
by Yesterday
i agree with dave, retry the poem, great idea, not so wonderfully set out...
have fun...
Re: somthing in my head
Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 10:51 am
by adour
Hi Starlight,
I agree with the others.
It seems to me that these words are like diary entries.
Anyway,
I like the idea.
Cheers,
SEDA.
Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 1:18 pm
by twoleftfeet
Starlight,
You can do (and have done) much better than this.
It reminds me of that pub song
Show me the way to go home
I hope a good kip really did you the power of good
Geoff
Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 2:05 pm
by greybald
Being a fan of short poetry i quite like this.
The short shapness of the lines i think suit the content...
Posted: Tue Feb 06, 2007 1:50 pm
by (my) boastful! murmur?
that makes me smile. its good, i tataly understand it. keep it up
Posted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 9:31 pm
by Ryder
The poems you post here always seem to have a vein of darkness starlight. Not a bad thing I suppose, for a potential poet.
As Geoff says, not one your best. You get your message across well. Wanting to escape everything and everyone and where better than bed and sleep! Back to the womb some might say....and in the foetal position!
For instance
'Mind is full of hate,
just can't wait!'
Whilst getting the point across isn't very creative. A bit song lyricy really.
Anyroad, a good one for cleaning the poetic tubes out.
Keep posting (but don't forget to comment on other peoples work)
David