Poetry Forum

I’d love to say I love you,
but I’m too scared to.
You’d probably just ignore me,
So I don’t think I ever will.

heheh

short and sweet, scary words with a meaning way beyond the three syllables.

maybe second line would scan better

but I think Im too scared too

it would make the rhyme sound more natural

this could maybe become something bigger

thanks for posting

benjy

At the risk of using the word cute, that is how I would describe this. You must have a secret crush!

at risk of sounding mean...

i like the idea of the poem, the want to say something, but no sure if you should...etc...

however don't you think you would get more effect if you showed not told your thoughts. perhaps explain the way in which your face is set because of what you are thinking, the taste of the words, their texture perhaps... sorry, it just seems to need something more...

great idea though...

I think benjy's advice of changing the second line is good. If I were you I would also consider deleting 'ever' from the last line.

I’d love to say I love you,
but I think I’m too scared to.
You’d probably just ignore me,
So I don’t think I will.

More important, though, is Yesterday's advice: show, don't tell.

It's a good idea, and it's short and sweet and direct, which is okay. But you could write something much better.

Or, to put it another way:

Three little words, oh what I'd give for that wonderful phrase,
To hear those three little words, that's all I'd live for the rest of my days.
And what I feel in my heart, they tell sincerely.
No other words can tell it half so clearly.
Three little words, eight little letters which simply mean I love you.

It's nicely and neatly expressed, but you need to ask yourself what makes it a poem, rather than two chopped up sentences.

I like the fact that all short words are used, except probably, which you should change. Probably. It's a clumsy mouthful in an otherwise tripping line.

Telling it like it is, though, no doubt.

Cheers

David

Welcome

Some of the advice given here is very good, but I kind of like these trite little poems. They can be found on toilet walls and carved into trees and park benches. I suspect that is what you were aiming at - a sort of throw-away. In Austrailia when my children were growing up, there were books of these sort of rhymes (even though yours doesn't rhyme) that our kids thrived on.

But don't stop here, show us some of your other writing skills.

Liked it,
Dave

I'm going to agree with Dave. Definitely appreciate trite little "diddies". The idea is there and sometimes that is all that you need.

heidi

I enjoy short and sweet (structure as opposed to content) verses.

I’d love to say I love you,
but I’m too scared to.
You’d probably just ignore me,
So I don’t think I ever will.

I'm sure the thoughts are sincere, but their presentation is too bare for me. They don't offer much of a rhythm either.

My own preference is for rhyme, so I'd 'probably' have come up with something like ...

I’d love to say I love you,
but my voice is paralysed;
Yet you’d probably ignore me
if my dream were realised.