Poetry Forum

Observing the design
of your mind is
like laying in ancient ruins
Foreign and sad
full of history
not completely understood
however, knowing
it is quite easy
to fall to pieces

I like this for it's cleaness and shortness. This is a 'get right to the point' poem and very honest. I always ask "Why" when I am writing. Here are some suggestions to flesh your poem out:
How are you observing this person's state of mind?
Why is it like laying in ancient ruins?
What kind of history? Why can't you understand it?
How does it fall to peices? Can you create some archeology to tie in with 'ancient ruins'? Like a buried memory which falls to pieces when you simply touch it--much like scrolls which turn to dust upon human contact.

Another suggestion is to find another way to express 'Fall to pieces' since it is a tad cliche.
I think you have a winner here and a basis for a very interesting poem.
Cheers,
Kimberly

I'm not sure I agree with some of Kims suggestions, with the why and the how, could be because in the states they don't have (Kimberly looking at me with narrow eyes ) many ancient ruins. But will add that I like the 'mind like l'y'ing?' in ancient ruins' a very lovely and evocative analogy. Particularly as you complemented it with the crumbling inevitability of both.

Nice one.

I'm not sure delving is required for this poem, it's a questioning poem that does have a conclusion. Nuff said really.

Although I did find

"however, knowing
it is quite easy
to fall to pieces"

awkward.

Quite liked it.. simply because of the comparison of a mind to ancient ruins... it does need some more work i think, towards the end. not sure how but, do like the length of it... but thats just me

i enjoyed it a lot, and the comparison that you chose is really gorgeous, minds and ancient ruins and all...
but i think that it needs more.. meat. delve a bit deeper, perhaps? i think that then the image you're trying to present will really, really shine.

Hi HeidiHogrefe,

I guess there are some clear explanations of WHY: Observing his/her mind is like laying ancient ruins because it is foreign (not like the author's) and sad and hard to be understood completely just as it is hard for the history. What I could not match is why it is quite easy to fall to pieces.

Anyway, it is a nice little piece.
Cheers,
SEDA.

Gidday

I enjoy the imagery of this piece. Simple and effective.

I'm not so sure of the grammar of the last couple of lines but it is nearly right, and it gets the idea across pretty well.

I'm not sure why you used a capital letter for "Foreign".

Good one
Dave

Your piece is nice and likeable, state of mind being compared to ancient ruins, but .. all that is past-right? What of the present state of mind, and why not any hope for the future?
But a very nice poem to conclude.
-Arunansu

The poem did it for me due to that floating, mysterious enjambment throughout the soft voweled lines which was abruptly ended by the final, almost thud-thud-thud 'fall to pieces.

Thankyou