selfish

[thefallofRome]

I can’t even let my breath out steady
or stop the tremors in the crook of my knee.
My voice is not future-wise, and the colors—
they run from my skin.

I am only suspect to the stuff
that falls from the showerheads
in the bathrooms of cheap motels that reside
on the sides of highways that move
much too fast.

And as I become drenched,
I wait for their blushing epiphany—
for the sweeping of the antique rug
‘neath their feet:

I am not the wine
or the slur behind their teeth. I am
not the hands of a forgiving clock
or the pleasant face behind it.
I am nothing like the creases
of a love letter, soft from being
excessively folded and murmured against.

I am not the undulating pride
in the bloodstreams of the wind
that tickles their warm ears.

The wait for the realization has been
perpetuated, though.
And now I’ve come to write
only to prove to myself that I am alive, at least.

And the breath that comes out shaking
is riddled with smoke,
lacking color, but revealing to me
that I can breathe.

[adour]

Hi thefallofRome,

I like the images very much.

I am not the wine
or the slur behind their teeth

This is my favourite. Great work...

Cheers,
SEDA.

[juliadebeauvoir]

This has very good written all over it--my suggestion is to watch the bones of the poem--such as line breaks and punctuation. It might be easier to read and less jolting.
As for the content you have some great imagery going.

am nothing like the creases
of a love letter, soft from being
excessively folded and murmured against.

Not sure of the title--it feels lonely more than selfish. The motel image gives it that empty feeling.

Cheers,
Kimberly

[spencer_broughton]

Hello,

I like it very much. Especially the flow of the first two stanzas, but I'm not sure if this section:

I am not the undulating pride
in the bloodstreams of the wind
that tickles their warm ears.


Just breaks it up a little too much and interrupts the flow. Perhaps you could work it into the previous stanza or leave it out.

[Wabznasm]

I like it, especially the negation throughout instead of the affirmation of what you are.

And as I become drenched,
I wait for their blushing epiphany—

Is a fantastic two lines with a real climax to it.


I am not the undulating pride
in the bloodstreams of the wind
that tickles their warm ears.

Maybe this is a little too long as, I agree with spencer, it does interrupt the rhythm; you have to draw in breath again. Maybe cut it up with some punctuation?

The concluding 4 lines give a completion to the poem that works - the re-entry of 'breath' helps the poem with with momentum.

The "or" preceeding "behind" makes me stumble, should it be an "nor"?

What's interesting is that I'm having to fill in the gaps of who or what is "their" which at first is disorientating but then becomes novel. Even though it's not said, there is a system to the imagery that lets me imagine something.

Good poem.

[thefallofRome]

thank you to everyone who reviewed/read. i loved the advice.

i think i might change

I am not the undulating pride
in the bloodstreams of the wind
that tickles their warm ears.

to:

I am not the undulating pride
in the bloodstreams of the wind,
tickling their warm ears.

[Diablo79]

I really enjoyed reading this poem, it fed me images all the way thru, I like the opening lines which gave a feeling of the anger being better than the kiss this time!

D