Poor Little Matchgirl

[*Sticks2UrFace*]

I wrote this for my folk and myth unit at univiersity. It's a first draft so tell me what you think. (p.s it's a very simple poem) Thanks.

Poor Little Matchgirl
Never time to play.
Selling little boxes of fire.
Roaming everyday.
Down streets and lanes.
Past peasants, princes, ladies and dames.
Breaking her back to feed her father,
Still standing from the love within her.

Rages, no riches to brighten her swollen eyes.
And pale skin, frozen and dry.
Her smile, her lonely disguise.
Poverty and pain concealed behind a weak grin.
Dying in her stare, flakes frosting her face.
A shivering sack of sorrow she waits.
Precious, waiting in honest beauty for her wage.
Socitey trapping her from health, in this hellish cage.

Refused to marry.
To bond, fall inlove.
Destoryed her chances for diamond and lace.
From her passionate lover, enjoying the chase,
To save her, gown her all in her grace.
Weighed down un jewels, strangled in a gemmed necklace.
Refused, to make it all on her own.
The faded crystal with only one home.
And return to her papa.
Her happiness suffers to feed him supper.
And hour longer, she sells in wintry dread.
Ghostly appearance laying still, stiff,dead.

[Wabznasm]

Hello there.
Hopefully this should help:

Firstly, I don't really understand the rhyme. Well, by understand I mean I don't really see the point in it. If it consistently rhymed then it would be justified, and of course sporadic rhyming would work too. But my problem is that the rhyming here seems too arbitrary.

For instance, in the first line you rhyme all but two lines. This act of creating a discord with two lines would work if kept in a context, but I don't really see a point to ignoring the form as the irregularity of the two words seems a little random. Plus, this isn't followed up in the next stanzas either - some of the lines rhyme, some don't. It's too random.

As for the rhymes - they're a little obvious. 'Her' with 'father'; 'wage' and 'cage'; 'dread' and 'dead', etc. I'm not against rhyming, but I just think if you rhyme you should try not to make the corresponding words too simple. Rhyming subtlely is a talent that's hard to pull off, but if you do manage it then it could really improve the poem. A good way to practice is to think of a theme/line you want to write later on in the poem and then work your ways towards that. Being aware all the time of the word you want to rhyme with helps incredibly.

The structure of the poem, being almost list-like, is jarring. I would suggest making the sentences run along seperate lines, instead of the poetry reading line by line. Then the poem would be more fluid and compliment some of your flourishes.

Anyway, poetry isn't all about form!

The sentiments, ideas, images are sometimes well picked. I particularly like the continuation of her face being 'frozen' (' Dying in her stare, flakes frosting her face. '); that's a nice touch.

Still though, in the context of the module you were writing for it works. The mood of the folk story is there and that is what I imagine your intention was.

Hopefully one or two of those things may help, and if not, thanks for the read.
Keep it up -
Dave

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Sticky,

At first I thought you were writing this like a Nursery rhyme e.g
I had a little nut tree but of course the third line had the wrong meter.

I agree with Dave about the sporadic rhyming, and the same goes for the
meter, for me.

Perhaps you could try changing some of the lines to internal rhyme e.g.
Destroyed her chances for diamond and lace.
Enjoying the chase from her passionate lover ?

Try to pare it down a little, and avoid repeating words e.g waits/waiting.

Keep posting
Geoff

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

I thought you might like to read one I wrote recently about a match girl. There was some resonance in the storyline. Spooky that we both came up with similar tales. Must be something about match girls, eh?

viewtopic.php?t=4453

My problem with yours was the loss of rhythm. I didn't really notice the loss of rhyme much until it was pointed out. It's probably all been said really. I wish you had kept up the nursery rhyme feel all the way though. That would have made it really black. Mmmm!

Cheers
Dave

[bobby bruce]

I like simple poetry, and keeping things as direct as possible, because in my view it can make the words more effective, which is a key goal always. Through poetry, you have told an enthralling story in a matter of a few dozen words which I give you much credit for.

I agree with some other posts, especially the point made by Wabznasm about it 'jarring' slightly.However, I don't think it's so much about the list-like nature that makes it suffer in this way, but the already mentioned chaotic rhyming. Also, I think the punctuation could be made a little more reader friendly, to improve the flow.

I enjoyed reading this poem very much, although I felt I had to read it a good five or six times to get a good understanding.

Worth it though.

Thanks,

Bobby

[Minstrel]

Certainly a stayer this subject (little match girl). Who wrote the original story? Certainly has stuck, for one reason or another. Perhaps because constantly revived, which is not a critisism, testimony to the sentiment I'd say.

In any case Stickstoyourface you certainly empathised. Some of your descriptions quite disturbing in sentimental kind of way. Yet, tis an old story and stuck within that era.

So, in my humble opinion, is an excercise in descriptive writing/ poetry and no more. Taken in this context I think it's very good and your descriptions of her cold face excellent.

I wouldn't take it to pieces even if I could. Will say you have some good lines in there, very good lines.

Keep posting.

[*Sticks2UrFace*]

Thanks to everyone for their comments.

Hell yeah the rhyming scheme sucks and the rhythm is distorted.
It was a quick poem I wrote in class, for our fairytale and mythology unit. It's great being able to explore the use of myths and magic. The Little Matchgirl I found very interesting because the story itself is such a blank canvas for more specific writings to be made.

I was surprised to get so many good comments, thank you. I would love to keep going back to this piece and intend to redraft this very soon. So I do hope you come back and have a look when i repost this. Thanks again.